Jesus – beatingcowdens

I am a March-August kind of girl. I love warm weather and lots of sunlight. Long walks are my favorite. There is nothing that soothes me more than putting on a pair of sneakers, putting my music on, and just going.

I find the fall stressful. Maybe it’s years of being a teacher. There is hopeful anticipation about school in September, but the organization and logistics take forever, and the fall germs are just… a lot.

Before I have time to look up, the days are getting shorter, the leaves are falling, and it is time to pull out the sweaters.

I go through the motions dutifully, cleaning and organizing, but I lack the excited anticipation people have when they smell pumpkin spice and start to see their breath. I just don’t get it.

I think I was always this way, but in fairness, so many emotional events in the fall and winter may have given me the final shove into my aversion for those seasons and bolstered my affinity for my spring allergies.

Given all that, it might seem contrary to say that we decorate early for Christmas, but we do.

Remember, I love the light.

Our tree is up by Thanksgiving, and the lights around the house are on every possible second. I love buying and wrapping gifts. I take comfort in our advent calendar and the excitement of the impending arrival of the baby Jesus.

My faith anchors me through the tumultuous turns life tends to take. It keeps me grounded and focused on the fact that this life is merely a stopping point on a journey to forever.

I grew up in a church. I spent so much of my life there as a child, and a teen that I could navigate the building with my eyes closed. I stayed at that same church after my husband and I met, and it was there that we married and had our daughter baptized.

And as ironic as it is, it is the place I had to walk away from when our worlds got turned upside down with all things PTEN and Cowdens Syndrome. I had to walk away from the place to continue to nurture my faith.

When you grow up in a community of faith, it is hard to accept that reality. I miss weekly services, Angel Trees, and Christmas shows. And sometimes that disconnect can make the dark days extra hard. Yet, in the apparent contradiction that is often reality, my faith has continued to grow through the years.

So, this morning my new normal involved my air pods, my iPad, and my orchids.

Today I “went” to church in Buffalo and in Sarasota, and I never left my house. I sang and prayed and smiled and pondered through Western New York Church Unleashed, and Faith Lutheran Church in Sarasota, Florida. The pastors are comforting and familiar, especially Eric, my brother-in-law in Florida, and also Roger, Jeremiah, and Steve in Western New York whom I have never met. The same internet which often isolates us from each other, keeps me connected to my faith through Advent and beyond.

I took some time with my orchids. My beautiful, perfectly imperfect orchids, that I feel a strong kinship with. Somehow, despite the odds, and without any traditional interventions, they blossom and grow in the most amazing ways.

I spend too much time alone and find it easy to be lost in, and overwhelmed by my own thoughts. Cowden Syndrome is ever present in our minds and bodies, even when the medical drama is on “pause.” The anxiety and anticipation of a lifetime of justifiable worry can make so many things, just hard.

Today I was reminded to give thanks in all circumstances. I was reminded to pray without ceasing, and I was told that you can have joy in your heart, even when you are not happy.

Life is a contradiction. Emotions yield guilt way too often. But, I have learned that feeling all the feelings is the only way I will survive and thrive in this crazy life.

I do not like the winter. I will never enjoy the darkness. I love the lights of Christmas and I eagerly await the birth of the baby Jesus.

I promise to stop and smell the “orchids” while anxiously waiting for the first sneezes of spring.

Wishing you and yours peace throughout this season.

#beatingcowdens

Ella, Buddy, and Jax bring us so much joy…

I grew up taking some things for granted. And, when you are 39 it is quite easy to forget there are some things even the brightest 9 year-olds don’t know.

It has been a long week. One of doctors, and appointments. Lots of homework. Running errands to try to catch up on our lives. Felix’s grandmother, who Meghan and I barely knew, passed away this week. Emotions. Pain. The hearts hurt. The hand hasn’t healed quite yet. Physical Therapy. Lots of processing for my deep thinker.

I know Meghan knew this was “Holy Week,” if f0r no other reason, than I had told her.

She participated in the Palm Sunday Service last Sunday and understood everything in great detail.

Wednesday our church set up “stations,” where you could travel to experience Jesus‘ last days. There was fragrance, 30 pieces of silver, bread, wine, a cross to nail your sins, a stone to imagine the weight of the one in front of Jesus’ tomb. There were 13 stations in all. Each one a meaningful experience – traveled through alone or in a pair.

At each station there was a Bible passage, and a scenario. There was a way to put yourself in the situation. Meghan and I traveled most of the stations together, talking and sharing as we went. Long productive conversation that night.

We did not make service last night, but tonight, we headed into the “Good Friday” service.

I had never experienced a Tenebrae service, or a service of shadows. There was a huge cross of candles in the front, extinguished one at a time as various readings were completed.

And, knowing her so well I watched Meghan through the service become increasingly uncomfortable.

When we left and asked her about it, she told us she never knew the story of Jesus’ death. She had heard it told, but never read from the Bible. She had no idea the extent of His suffering. She was amazed that He could still love us after all the awful things that went on.

Long, long discussions. Just starting to wrap up.

My first reaction was guilt. Had I failed as a Christian mom?

Then I realized, as always, things were happening as they were supposed to.

I was learning lesson upon lesson just hearing her speak.

We are so weighed down by the earthly problems, that we sometimes forget. We sometimes lose focus.

Cowden’s Syndrome, cancer, PTEN, AVMs, viruses, surgeries, whatever the suffering,… we are children of a loving, forgiving God.

Jesus died to save us from our sins. To lighten the load. To eliminate the judgment and condemnation that sometimes weighs on our hearts – so we can concentrate on the important stuff.

And on the third day He will rise again…