I am dating myself I am sure, but the year I was to sit for the Chemistry Regents Exam in NYC, someone swiped the answers.  The morning of the test they were published in the NY Post.  I remember sitting in my high school cafeteria waiting to take the exam, only to find out it had been cancelled.  You know thinking back on that story, I guess I understand now why I have never won the lottery.  That was probably one of the “luckiest” thing to happen in my life.  I never did have to take that exam.

Except now, 25 years later, I sit poring over a piece of paper full of words I don’t understand.  I am brought back to the periodic table, and left to wonder if maybe I should have paid a bit more attention in class.

Toxic metals

I have actively picked apart each of these levels since being handed the report on Thursday.  I have read the descriptions of where this toxicity could have originated from.  I have made the few moves I could understand, and the old aluminum cookware hit the recycle bag, and the new stainless steel – to supplement the few pieces we did have – arrives this week.  The old cookie sheets are gone. Parchment paper replaces aluminum foil for cooking.  But what about the other ones?  What about the ones I can’t understand?  Or worse, what about the ones like “gadolinium” that I CAN understand, but I just can’t fix?????

This printout is old now.  The new urine sample was picked up Friday morning, and hopefully someone in a lab somewhere is generating lower numbers and shorter bars.  But, I won’t know that for  a few weeks.  So I am left alone with my worries, and my thoughts, and my sick kid.

invisible illness 4 dumptruck

I suspect if Meghan could tell the world how she feels, this might be the sentiment.  She is constantly conflicted with feeling like crap, and being pushed to keep on.  She not only plays in pain – she smiles and laughs through it.  And no one who sees her outside of this house would typically have any idea of the agony she endures each day.  She works hard to  hide it all.  She has told me, in her very own words, that “no one would like me if I told them how I really felt all the time.”  I would like to tell her she’s wrong, but she’s not.

happiness is

And she is the bravest kid I know.

The sore throat started Friday, hours after the chelation, and exactly the same as last time.  On Friday she pushed herself through gym class because she just wanted to be “normal.”  By Friday afternoon she was shot – too wiped out to swim.  She could barely swallow.  By Saturday morning her nuscles ached along with her throat.  No swimming Saturday either.

We barely left the house all weekend, except for a quick strep test Sunday that was negative.

The friends she wanted to invite over – postponed.

This was no coincidence.  This was twice in a row she was knocked on her *ss after chelation.  This was her immune system saying,” WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?”  To the toxic storm unleashed by the chelating agents.  We have kept her well hydrated in hopes much could be excreted… but we will have to wait and see.

waiting (1)

Early to bed Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and again tonight.

SHE HATES going to bed early – but has gone willingly.

She went home from school early today.  No fever, but a clammy sweat.  She just needs rest, and water, and rest.

The headache is ruthless.  Even as some of the cold like symptoms start to subside, the headache does not want to quit.  A week now.  It leaves such a pit in my stomach I don’t want her out of my sight.  I hate headaches.  I especially hate wondering if the renegade toxins likely causing them are doing any other damage.

The doctor who last month said there was no way her symptoms were connected to the chelation recanted through an email today.  He is now keeping tabs, giving me tips to keep her comfortable, keeping my resolve strong that this is necessary, and working on downward adjusting her dose for next time.  More trips, more treatments… hopefully less misery.

I just can’t shake the image of  a snow globe, and as we try to get the metals out we stir it all up.  Some escapes, but the rest causes misery as it finds  hiding spots again.

snow globe

An in between it all life presses on.  Laundry gets done.  Bills get paid.  Lessons get planned.  Cars get exchanged.  Files are kept.  Clothes for the growing girl, are ordered.  Floors get vacuumed, and washed, and vacuumed again.  Groceries are purchased.  Lists are made, and lost and remade.  Tabs are kept on family and friends, and their health, and their struggles.

These are the every day tasks that keep me sane.  On autopilot.

Dinners are missed.  Meetings go unattended,   Places I want to go – but, I just can’t right now.

You see I am having a battle with the Periodic Table of Elements, and I need to study.  I am the front line.

So, I take my IONIX, and my t+chai, and I am thankful for energy and stamina to endure.

Maybe missing that regents wasn’t so “lucky” after all.  So as I study some these next few weeks – please know we haven’t forgotten you.  Our prayer list is long.  We don’t want you to leave us out, or not to call.  Don’t feel badly about overburdening us.  We NEED to be in your lives.  We WANT to be in your lives.

We are in touch enough to know that “Everybody has SOMETHING!”

from "Mommies of Miracles"
from “Mommies of Miracles”


3 thoughts on “I STILL HATE CHEMISTRY!

  1. My son went to pre k with your daughter. I read your posts and admire your strength, courage and honesty. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers. Keep fighting!

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