Today was rotten.
And it is Saturday. I hate it when Saturday is rotten.
And I am tired. And worried. And my heart is heavy.
I guess that makes me in the same boat as most people.
And then there was a text this afternoon.
And just like that breast cancer claimed another life. Just like that two women had no mother, and a husband lost his wife.
To the best of my knowledge she didn’t have Cowden’s or BRCA, or any other genetic cause for her cancer. But then again, neither do most people. And I was reminded again that maybe having Cowden’s makes me a little luckier.
I knew to get the beast before it got me.
She was not old enough to die. But, then again, who is?
And even when I held her hands in June and looked her square in the eye, and told her to fight with all her might – I knew. She knew too. Deep in that place where the thoughts are that you just don’t want to think, or feel, or believe. We both knew that this is how it would end.
Cancer is stupid, and mean and nasty, and ugly and awful. It’s a big bully and I really hate bullies.
I’m pretty much over this “Breast Cancer Awareness” thing.
As a matter of fact I am over the whole cancer thing altogether.
Ready for a cure.
Broken hearts. Lives crushed. Too many wakes and funerals. Too many people gone too soon.
My heart hurts. My head hurts. And I think some part of me feels guilty.
Guilty for having a “head start.” Guilty for having the support to push me through the double mastectomy.
This is the first person in my life to die of breast cancer since my diagnosis. I am sadly sure she won’t be the last.
And, like so many things that have changed since March 5, 2012 – this one hurts differently. Worse.
Cancer really just sucks.