I am a March-August kind of girl. I love warm weather and lots of sunlight. Long walks are my favorite. There is nothing that soothes me more than putting on a pair of sneakers, putting my music on, and just going.
I find the fall stressful. Maybe it’s years of being a teacher. There is hopeful anticipation about school in September, but the organization and logistics take forever, and the fall germs are just… a lot.
Before I have time to look up, the days are getting shorter, the leaves are falling, and it is time to pull out the sweaters.
I go through the motions dutifully, cleaning and organizing, but I lack the excited anticipation people have when they smell pumpkin spice and start to see their breath. I just don’t get it.
I think I was always this way, but in fairness, so many emotional events in the fall and winter may have given me the final shove into my aversion for those seasons and bolstered my affinity for my spring allergies.
Given all that, it might seem contrary to say that we decorate early for Christmas, but we do.
Remember, I love the light.
Our tree is up by Thanksgiving, and the lights around the house are on every possible second. I love buying and wrapping gifts. I take comfort in our advent calendar and the excitement of the impending arrival of the baby Jesus.
My faith anchors me through the tumultuous turns life tends to take. It keeps me grounded and focused on the fact that this life is merely a stopping point on a journey to forever.
I grew up in a church. I spent so much of my life there as a child, and a teen that I could navigate the building with my eyes closed. I stayed at that same church after my husband and I met, and it was there that we married and had our daughter baptized.
And as ironic as it is, it is the place I had to walk away from when our worlds got turned upside down with all things PTEN and Cowdens Syndrome. I had to walk away from the place to continue to nurture my faith.
When you grow up in a community of faith, it is hard to accept that reality. I miss weekly services, Angel Trees, and Christmas shows. And sometimes that disconnect can make the dark days extra hard. Yet, in the apparent contradiction that is often reality, my faith has continued to grow through the years.
So, this morning my new normal involved my air pods, my iPad, and my orchids.
Today I “went” to church in Buffalo and in Sarasota, and I never left my house. I sang and prayed and smiled and pondered through Western New York Church Unleashed, and Faith Lutheran Church in Sarasota, Florida. The pastors are comforting and familiar, especially Eric, my brother-in-law in Florida, and also Roger, Jeremiah, and Steve in Western New York whom I have never met. The same internet which often isolates us from each other, keeps me connected to my faith through Advent and beyond.
I took some time with my orchids. My beautiful, perfectly imperfect orchids, that I feel a strong kinship with. Somehow, despite the odds, and without any traditional interventions, they blossom and grow in the most amazing ways.
I spend too much time alone and find it easy to be lost in, and overwhelmed by my own thoughts. Cowden Syndrome is ever present in our minds and bodies, even when the medical drama is on “pause.” The anxiety and anticipation of a lifetime of justifiable worry can make so many things, just hard.
Today I was reminded to give thanks in all circumstances. I was reminded to pray without ceasing, and I was told that you can have joy in your heart, even when you are not happy.
Life is a contradiction. Emotions yield guilt way too often. But, I have learned that feeling all the feelings is the only way I will survive and thrive in this crazy life.
I do not like the winter. I will never enjoy the darkness. I love the lights of Christmas and I eagerly await the birth of the baby Jesus.
I promise to stop and smell the “orchids” while anxiously waiting for the first sneezes of spring.
Wishing you and yours peace throughout this season.
#beatingcowdens
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