I believe strongly in God. I am grateful that I am a religious person, because I think my faith is largely what will carry me through this journey. God has been good to me and I have been blessed beyond measure. The miracle of my breast cancer being removed is in and of itself only the most recent proof of His handiwork.
I have been raised Lutheran, and have grown up in one church my whole life. When we were married at first my husband came with me, but his attendance has waxed and waned dependent upon the pastor of the moment. Understandable. But my daughter was baptized at my church and for her first years I faithfully brought her each week to church and Sunday School.
Ironically enough our full time pastor who our family was very close to, left while I was pregnant withmy daughter. We went through several attempts before finding a fulltime minister in January of 2011. Ecstatic at first – to have a funny, friendly familiar face each week. Slowly I realized that I was not going to find the support I neeeded in him.
He made himself available for my daughter’s surgery – even accompanied us to the hospital for one. But, when I spoke of my upcoming mastectomy in late February, there was not a stitch of support. As a matter of fact weeks after my surgery – almost 2 weeks – I finally got a phone call from him. I was hurt by his apparent lack of concern. I went to him a week later to express my thoughts, to say I felt my needs were being ignored. An hour we spoke. I thought the conversation made a difference. And still 6 weeks passed with no phone call.
To say I am hurt hardly begins to express my thoughts. This pastor has had his struggles, disagreements with some members of my family, and it became apparent he was going to carry those feelings through to me.
For 38 years I have been an active part of this church, and now when I need it most I do not want to walk through the doors. I will find a place to worship. There will always be a place to worship a God who is so good to me. But I am hurt. To watch what should be a look of concern be such a cold and callous stare my way is unsettling to me. This man is supposed to be teaching me God’s way.
As I said before, “I don’t have a problem with God, (but today) it’s His fan club I can’t stand…”