Changes – big small, and in between

All sorts of changes… and today on Easter, one of the most significant.

easter1

My Mom said to me many times when I was a teen, that I would do more changing in my 20s than I ever would in my teens. She was absolutely right.

forrest-gump-320x180

I guess she didn’t want to overwhelm me, because she never mentioned the volume of changes to take place in your 30s.

You grow up sure.  You have strong opinions.  And slowly… they evolve.

I’d like to say the values I was taught as a youth are still at my core, but my expression of those values has changed over time.

And, while all that was taking place – I managed to meet the love of my life.

Sometime after we married we purchased a true “handyman special,” which we are still polishing up 13 years later.

Then there was this beautiful little girl – rocking our worlds from the very beginning.  NICU, colic unceasing, OT,PT, Speech, hospitalizations, chronic viruses, tests, doctors, surgeries – and eventually Cowden’s Syndrome.

She grew into a beautiful young lady – despite the odds stacked against her.  Her very existence changed my long standing beliefs on modern medicine, and strengthened my faith in God every step of the way.

My family unit is so strong.  We are incredibly blessed to hold each other’s hands through the twists and turns and changes life has in store.

Today was a big one.

On this, Easter Sunday, the Celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord, my family stood in front of the Moravian church and professed our intention to become members of their community.

moravian star

My history, my heritage, my core, was developed as a Lutheran.  My heart is now Moravian.

easter family

And their motto, “In essentials unity, In non-essentials liberty, In all things LOVE,” speaks to my soul.

We make decisions every day – guided by the power of the Holy Spirit, with faith that we are moving in the direction intended for us.

The fact we now attend worship as a family of THREE, leads me to be sure we are on the right path.

my prayers

My 30s have sure been a trip.  I have only a few more months left and I wonder what else is in store.  But heck, then there are the 40s to look forward to.  One day my mom will get a few minutes to sit still, and I’ll  grab a bottle of wine and ask her all about them.

Ramblings and Random Thoughts

thankful for the difficult

I am not who I was before.

Before there was Felix.

Before there was Meghan.

Before there was Cowden’s Syndrome.

Before there was breast cancer.

I am just not who I was before.

But every change has been part of a process, a transformation that is still taking place.

Perhaps the biggest change has been in my attitude towards others.

I try to surround myself with positive people.

Knowing full well that we all have our moments.

I deliberately seek out tolerant people.

Tolerant of changes.  Tolerant of others.

Life is short.

Judgement brings anger, hatred, contempt.

I have no time.

let go of the toxic

So one by one I have worked to let them go – the toxic ones.

And I cling tightly to the others.

But such transformations affect your whole self – your core.

When I was much younger I had ideas.  I was sure I was right – all the time.

Not so much anymore.

Now, I am sure that I make mistakes.

I am sure that everyone I truly love does the best they can with what they have where they are.

I am sure that everyone hurts.

I am sure that everyone struggles.

I look with a softer heart.

I see things from the other point of view.

Once I might have said that I found others beliefs to be “wrong” or “immoral.”

Now, I respect that others have beliefs and feelings that deserve to be respected – just like mine.

Maybe its the Cowden’s.

Maybe its the stress, or the fatigue.

Maybe its just me – growing up.

I tend to stay out of politics, and I don’t really comment on religions other than my own.

But I know I was raised to love my neighbor.

I know I was raised not to judge.

Really in the end – I just think if we all loved each other as sisters and brothers…

… well maybe more things would make sense.

I am not who I was before-

I am a work in progress.

I am surviving.

I am beating cowdens one day at a time.

I am embracing lessons learned.

I am wiser and more tolerant than I ever hoped to be.

Forgive my whining…

… but no one else seems to want to listen.

I am tired.  Not just the physical tired, but the mental and emotional tired too.

My body is exhausted.  Tomorrow I head back to work.  Two major surgeries in 3 months.  I think my incisions might be healed, but I am just so wiped out.

This recovery from my hysterectomy has been nothing short of obnoxious.  The bleeding seems to have subsided, and the pain is gone.  The restrictions are still in place, but the hardest part has been feeling so damn alone.

Days go by, the phone doesn’t ring.  Not a text message to check in.  Not expecting fanfare here, but a little love from my friends and family would be nice.  Now there are a few.  There are always a few… but even with them, I am lonely.

That loneliness hasn’t helped me feel better.  No.  Not one bit.  Combine that with the fact that my dear husband, who truly tries his best, is in school 2 nights a week, and has worked more overtime in the last 2 weeks than he has since December.  He can’t say no.  Not in this economy.  And he so rarely gets called.  Timing sucks.

So it has been me, and my girl.  She is awesome.  Yesterday when we realized Daddy definitely wouldn’t be home, and we were dangerously low on food, she came to the grocery store with me.  She didn’t let me lift a thing.  She packed the cart, packed the bags, and carried them right into the house.  She is awesome.  But, she is tired too.  She is always willing to take care of me.  But she is 8.  A friend would make for a much better weekend.

So, today I took her with me to a meeting at my church.  Remember a few weeks ago when I said, “I don’t have a problem with God…it’s His fan club…?”  Well that is getting more true by the day.  I can actually say I was disgusted by my minister, and a large portion of my church.  The church where I have grown up for the last 38 years.  Things are tenuous between the pastor and myself, I would say largely due to his LACK of support, but he did not even greet my daughter or myself at the meeting.  She is so astute.  I am trying to channel her energy away from anger, but she feels the hurt in me.

I know there is a plan here.  One larger than me, larger than any of us.  I do believe strongly in God and His guiding hand.  I have been blessed with several miracles, and witnessed others.  I know He is here, but I do not often understand His  plan. 

So, in the midst of all the chaos, the drama, and the confusion, I seek solace in music.  I remind myself that these people who are so painfully absent – don’t mean to be hurtful.  Those full of drama are lacking the bigger picture.  I never lose touch with the reality that I am not the only life struggling.  There are so many others, so much worse off.  But for now, for right this minute, it doesn’t change the fact that I am sad, scared, and lonely.  No one really wants to hear it, because they can’t fix it.  But its true.

I have always believed everyone does the best they can with what they have where they are.  So, even amidst my sadness, I do not have anger.  People have their reasons. 

Tomorrow I will go back to work.  I will smile brightly as if I was without a care in the world.  Even if my bones ache from exhaustion, and my heart aches to share this pain with those I love, I will smile.  I will get through the days, one at a time.  And I will always have a song in my heart to help me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skQQRhhZZQg

“He Said”
(feat. Chris August)

So your life feels like it don’t make sense
And you think to yourself, ‘I’m a good person’
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?You may be knocked down now
but don’t forget what He said, He saidI won’t give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won’t let you break
and No-o-o-o-o, I’ll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o
Don’t you forget what He saidWho you are ain’t what your going through
So don’t let it get the best of you
Cause God knows everything you need,
so you ain’t gotta worryYou may be knocked down now
but just believe what He said, He said

I won’t give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won’t let you break
and No-o-o-o-o, I’ll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o
Don’t you forget what He said

Don’t fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it’s down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

I won’t give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won’t let you break…

I won’t give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won’t let you break
and No-o-o-o-o, I’ll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o
Don’t you forget what He said

I don’t have a problem with God, it’s His fan club I can’t stand…

I believe strongly in God.  I am grateful that I am a religious person, because I think my faith is largely what will carry me through this journey.  God has been good to me and I have been blessed beyond measure.  The miracle of my breast cancer being removed is in and of itself only the most recent proof of His handiwork.

I have been raised Lutheran, and have grown up in one church my whole life.  When we were married at first my husband came with me, but his attendance has waxed and waned dependent upon the pastor of the moment.  Understandable.  But my daughter was baptized at my church and for her first years I faithfully brought her each week to church and Sunday School.

Ironically enough our full time pastor who our family was very close to, left while I was pregnant withmy daughter.  We went through several attempts before finding a fulltime minister in January of 2011.  Ecstatic at first – to have a funny, friendly familiar face each week.  Slowly I realized that I was not going to find the support I neeeded in him. 

He made himself available for my daughter’s surgery – even accompanied us to the hospital for one.  But, when I spoke of my upcoming mastectomy in late February, there was not a stitch of support.  As a matter of fact weeks after my surgery  – almost 2 weeks – I finally got a phone call from him.   I was hurt by his apparent lack of concern.  I went to him a week later to express  my thoughts, to say I felt my needs were being ignored.  An hour we spoke. I thought the conversation made a difference.   And still 6 weeks passed with no phone call.

To say I am hurt hardly begins to express my thoughts.  This pastor has had his struggles, disagreements with some members of my family, and it became apparent he was going to carry those feelings through to me.

For 38 years I have been an active part of this church, and now when I need it most I do not want to walk through the doors.  I will find a place to worship.  There will always be a place to worship a God who is so good to me.  But I am hurt. To watch what should be a look of concern be such a cold and callous stare my way is unsettling to me.  This man is supposed to be teaching me God’s way. 

As I said before, “I don’t have a problem with God, (but today) it’s His fan club I can’t stand…”