Fighting My Way Out of the Cage

A few days ago I wrote about my dog Lucky – biting through the cage.  Well she got her wish, and she is a free dog now.  Free to roam around my house, lay where she wants, and drink when she wants.  She is much calmer and happier now.  It doesn’t take much to make her happy.

Why then can I not take her lead?  Why am I living in the cage of my own thoughts? 

My husband, he has the right idea.  He worries only when it is absolutely necessary.  I worry about making sure the stove is turned off.  He worries when the house catches fire.  Maybe it’s a male/ female thing.  Maybe it’s my controlling OCD.  Who knows?  What I do know is he is MUCH healthier than I am mentally.

I am still quite sane, but admittedly neurotic.  Some say it was inevitable after the year we have had.  I think it stretched back much farther.  I could say parenting a not so healthy child has done it, but if I am honest, I think I have always been this way.

I just read a Facebook friend’s post.  She talked about her brain continuing 24/7 even when she asks it not to.  That’s EXACTLY how I feel.

I am sure the Cowden’s Syndrome, the mastectomy, the breast cancer, the hysterectomy, the tumors on the spleen, the cyst on the kidney, and the constant screening tests aren’t helping.  And those are just mine – not Meghan‘s!  We average 3 doctors a week, usually at least 2 on the schedule and a pop up.  Each one seems to look, poke and prod and not offer a single answer.  Then the tests lead to more tests.  It’s a bad cycle we are in here.  So then I spend my spare time researching – thinking maybe I can find the answers they don’t know.  I end up just as clueless and thoroughly exhausted.  Sometimes you have to stop biting at the cage, realize the answers aren’t there yet, and realize you have the power to let yourself out.  I am “luckier” than my dog Lucky – no pun intended.  I have the benefit of being able to free myself.  I just never seem to get it quite right.

I am going to try that one day at a time thing again.  I am going to try to concentrate on all the many things that have gone right.  I will TRY to worry less when my daughter’s WBC is frighteningly low, while I wait for the retest.  I will worry less about West Nile Virus, and just try to treat the 8 mosquito bites on the leg of my immune compromised kid.  I swear I will try.  It’s not going to be easy though.

When you see me in a fit of worry, feel free to give me a “cyber” smack into reality.  ONE DAY AT A TIME!

TODAY – good things happened.  I got through the baseline screening colonoscopy and endoscopy.  The colonoscopy was completely CLEAN!  I do not have to go back for another 3 YEARS!  Beats the heck out of the every 6 months they were recommending for Cowden’s patients.  Also, my CLEAN scope frees up my little girl for a while.  As long as mine stay clean they won’t start screening her until she is at least 18.  Breathe.  Some minor biopsies on the endoscopy but the doctor is expecting a CLEAN pathology.

For me, for my daughter, for my husband, and for ALL of us who are fighting our way out of the cage.  We can do it – one day at a time!

4 thoughts on “Fighting My Way Out of the Cage

  1. Thsnk you. I thought I was alone in feeling trapped by cowden’s. I go thought fits of extreme happiness to the lows of depression. I try to take one day at a time, not sure if it’s working though. I have no happiness at the moment but I’m trying to find the joy, even if its so my son sees me happy. He has cowden’s too and is only 7. I’m over all the medical bullshit, I just want my old life back! I hope there is light at the end if our cowden’s tunnel.

    • The only light I am seeing right now is that we are finding out we are not alone. Even if our sufferers are spread thin, we are out there, and the internet can at least help us lean a little on each other.

      • CONGRATS for a clean scan! I have to go back in 2 years…so you have a free year to be Gatorade free. 🙂 Did you hear/find out of polyps are the same as hamartomas for us? (Maybe you don’t need to WORRY about that tho!) – DOING MY HAPPY DANCE For you!

    • I totally agree Tricia! I believe deep down…somewhere…there IS and will BE a light at the end of our Cowden’s Syndrome tunnel. Through the faith and strength it’s building in us, our children, our family (and the medical community!)

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