I am waiting.

Still.

I am tired.

I am angry.

I purposefully picked the best hospitals.

I searched out the best doctors.

My goal was to avoid useless waiting.

Instead I spend days at a time looking at my phone.

Waiting for it to ring.

I think my new case has marks from the imprints of my hands.

I don’t know what I want… but I want to get out of “the waiting place.”  I spend too much time here and its unhealthy.

Thursday they said the biopsy should be scheduled by Friday or Monday.  It’s Weds. at 7:30 PM.  No worries.  I have called.  It didn’t help.

It’s a small nodule, the one they are concerned about.  It is less than 2cm.  But, excuse me for being anxious -even 10 year survival rates of about 95% serve as little consolation when the numbers refer to your little girl.

And what about my damned spleen?  Clearly not a medical emergency, but the holidays messed with the waiting there too.  I was told 9 days after they received the CD of my sonogram that it was blank.  Really? 9 days?  No word back from them about a plan either.  I especially loved the part right before Christmas when my oncologist told me hamartomas are “almost always benign.”  Great.  See, prior to that conversation, I thought they were ALWAYS benign!  UGH!

I am trying.  And I will be fine.  I guess some days I am allowed to be tired and grumpy like the rest of the world.  As long as I remember…

Better get some loud music and another glass of wine.  I think I need to dance the wait away!