Rare. Invisible. Real.

Those are the words that come to mind every time someone asks me to describe Cowden’s Syndrome.

Most people, even most doctors, understandably, have never heard of it before.

With an occurrence of 1 in 200,000 that is not a surprise.

There is always hope...
There is always hope…

What is a surprise is on days like today, where the sun shines a bit brighter.  The traffic is a little lighter.  Daddy is home on vacation.  And, we met a doctor who had heard of Cowden’s, understands it, and is compassionate, likable, and easy to talk to.  Yep, imagine that?  A POSITIVE experience!! 🙂

We saw an NYU affiliated hand surgeon today.  I am sure God heard the chorus of prayers storming Heaven for an answer for this kid, and today He delivered.

NYU

We were early for our appointment and waited in an uncrowded waiting room, while a pleasant receptionist organized the paperwork.

We were taken promptly at our scheduled time.  We met with a friendly, competent PA.  She had the hands Xrayed.  The doctor was in the room 10 minutes later and immediately had Meghan on his side when he started to talk about two of her favorite things – Disney and swimming.

competition_pools

He examined her hand.  He easily recognized the soft tissue tumor that is typical in Cowden’s Syndrome.  He told her stories of another young boy he treats with a rare disease who grows bone instead of tissue.  He validated her.  He was confident.  He drew a picture, and explained why that tumor was causing pain.

With every word he spoke her smile grew.  The hope went back into her eyes.  She waited anxiously for him to tell her he was going to take it out.

She almost leaped up and cheered.

happy girl

August 20th in the early morning hours. my then 10 year old will prepare for her 10th surgery.

That’s how you know a kid is at her wits end.  When surgery is an exciting option.

He told her it wasn’t going to be better right away.  He asked if the PT from the letter we showed him (you know – the PT who had it right ALL ALONG! 🙂 could rehab her hand.  I told him I was quite sure she could, but I would ask. (Actually – I have no DOUBT she can do anything.  Dr. Jill NEVER gives up on Meghan!)

He said the pain may be worse for a bit after he “messes around” in there, but that gradually she will feel the pain lift and the range of motion return.  I wanted to hug him.

All it takes is someone who “Gets it.”

We all want to be validated.  As adults we often struggle to have our concerns made valid by those we love.  When you have a rare disease, where the symptoms are often invisible, you struggle to be taken seriously.  People are quick to pass judgement.

She looks fine, why can’t she walk?  She must be lazy.

She is complaining again?  Attention seeking,

So when you are just trying to have your voice heard, at the same time that you are trying to find your voice -life can feel extra challenging.

Cowden’s Syndrome is a struggle.  We are buoyed by the fact that we have each other.  I have Meghan as my inspiration, and she has me as her advocate.

I will NEVER give up.  She will continue to get the care she needs.  She will continue to see doctors who validate her.  She will continue to inform an under informed public with her “cards.”

She is my heart and soul, my sunshine.  She deserves nothing less.

sunshine

We can’t change the “Rare.”  The “Invisible” or the “Real.”  But we can open the eyes and hearts and minds of more and more people every day.  Ours is one of so many other Rare Diseases.  We are grateful.  We are blessed.   Even through our pain we have gratitude for our blessings.  And we will move forward with our mission of awareness.

Cowdens information card

 

 

Maybe it wasn’t a “Total Loss”

The Insurance Agent called Friday night.  He told me my car was a “Total Loss.”  I think I knew that after I saw this picture the first time, but it was still a little hard to hear.

I really did love my Hyundai
I really did love my Hyundai

Even though I understand the term “Total Loss” has specific connotations in the insurance world, the terminology wasn’t sitting quite right with me.  To me, a “Total Loss” means I didn’t learn anything.  It was a waste.  I took nothing from it.  That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I have taken something away from every experience I have had in my life, especially the very trying ones that seem to be pelting me like hail on a blustery day.  Sometimes what I take away is positive, and sometimes – not so much.  But I always, always learn something.

1. No matter how long you stop, and no matter how hard you look, and no matter how sure you are that it is safe to go – a speeding car may hit you anyway.

2. If there are no witnesses to an accident – there is no way to “prove” excessive speed. This is the case no mater how many times your car spun around.

3. When you ride in an ambulance its less scary when you take someone you know.   And, there are people kind enough to ride in the ambulance with you even though they hardly know you at all.  There are real live angels among us!

4. When you are in an Emergency Room of a local hospital – burn your socks after walking on the floor, and don’t look too closely at the walls.  Don’t expect the doctors to have any idea – or to really care what Cowden’s Syndrome is, and how it affects your body.

5. There are some really really nice insurance people, and some really obnoxious ones.

6. Many doctors do not accept “no fault” insurance, so finding one to check you out may be a challenge.

7. The pain is worse before it gets better.

8. The pain of being told you are more liable than the guy speeding through the school zone simply because th stop sign is on your side of the intersection may not be physical, but it hurts your pride.  Especially when you know you handled it right.  It  is hard to get over hurt pride, but you can find peace with a clean conscience.  So glad I have one.

9. It doesn’t matter much to anyone that the guy who hit you didn’t even try to stop, swerve, honk, or perform any evasive maneuver before plowing through you.  It’s all about the stop sign.

10. Whiplash, and muscle spasms are real.  Muscle relaxants are useless because they can’t be taken during the day when you have to be a full-time teacher and mom, but they help you sleep a bit at night.

11. When you stop and consider your accident scene, and you realize all the things that could have gone so much worse, you are reassured that the angels really do watch over us.  (Thanks Angel Meghan… and all the others)

12. When you have Cowden’s Syndrome, and hamartomas on your spleen, they will send you for an abdominal sonogram right away, and then – like everyone else around here- be totally unsure what to do with the results.

13. Fax any important test results to a doctor you trust.  I am grateful the spleen didn’t rupture, but for those of you on my team, cheering for it to stay – cheer louder please.  The hamartomas are growing.  I will talk to my doctor at NYU this week.

14. When you are really at your lowest point, hurt, aggravated, and discouraged – make a decision to DO something positive. After realizing a child could have been easily injured in this mess,  I have established a petition for our local councilman to reevaluate the speed limit on the street where the accident occurred, and to label it a school zone, as well as to consider multiple two-way stops and speed bumps.  I have reached out to the local “Improvement Society” who already reached out to DOT on my behalf.  I have parents in my school fully supporting me and working to gain signatures on a petition.  Their children’s lives are in danger every day.  I want some things to change to make the children safer.

15. It is more fun shopping for a new car when you are ready to buy one, but my husband is helping make our current search more pleasant.  Always marry someone with a sense of humor.

16. Wear your seat belt!  Darn it if Cowden’s Syndrome isn’t going to kill me – a car accident won’t either.  So glad I was buckled up.

17. Those silicone implants can take a good hit.  Thankfully – nothing popped!

18.  I am not going on the teacups at Disney World ever again.  I have had enough spinning for a life time!

There… not a “Total Loss” at all…

to-be-continued

The Cowden’s Syndrome Roller Coaster

Maybe if I could attach my cell phone right here…

I can not tell you for the life of me why Spiderman was on my mind today, but I was thinking I could use one of those web shooting things.  It could be modified to hold the cell phone that is constantly in my hand!  I remember when Meghan was so colicky, and I used to carry her all day in that Baby Bjorn carrier.  I LOVED having my hands free again.  I hated that she just kept crying, but at least I could move around a bit. I am starting to feel painfully tethered to my phone.  I waited forever for the vascular surgeon to call.  Now Dr. K from Boston called Saturday, and we still haven’t connected.   

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Paranoid to miss his call, I carry my phone EVERYWHERE I go. I am not kidding, that is my cell phone in the plastic bag at the beach today.

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Today was a banner day. 

It was the FIRST time we have been to the beach since before her first birthday.

  This child was so sensory sensitive that we were both deeply traumatized by the first trip.  It took us almost 8 years to work up the nerve to do it again, and boy has she come a LONG WAY!

 We only stayed a few hours. 

Long enough to get into the sand and build a castle.  Long enough to find a few shells.  Long enough to jump a few waves.  Long enough for her to say, “Mom my knee is clicking every time I step and it hurts.” 

Clutching my old scratched up cell phone like it holds the answers to all life’s problems I silently, desperately, wish it would ring. 

But then what? 

Will Dr. K have a single answer? 

Will he want us to drive 5 hours just so he can say, “I don’t know?” 

Yesterday we saw Dr. P – the geneticist at NYU who started all this about a year ago.  

It was a friendly visit, catching up on all we have done.  I had a chance to thank him for “catching” the Cowden’s Syndrome a year ago.  It was his desire to dig deeper, and to solve the puzzle, that undoubtedly changed the course of our lives, and likely already saved mine.

 He asked a lot of questions again.  He looked closely at Meghan, especially her legs.  He pointed out again the 1/2 cm discrepancy.  He pointed out the swelling in her LEFT knee, likely the result of her favoring her right knee. (The AWESOME PT Dr. Jill, already called that one!) 

He listened to my concerns about her avoidance of activities.  He said the fact that the Celebrex is working means to him she likely has arthritis due to deterioration from small amounts of blood circulating the knee joint.  Not JRA, but degenerative arthritis.  He said she can’t stay on Celebrex forever. And although I knew that I was busy shuddering at the alternatives. 

He will nose around, and see if he can get a closer orthopedist to take a look.  Then he will look for an oncologist for me.  In the mean time he said, let’s just get a screening sonogram of her kidneys, to be safe.  Just a baseline. 

3 hours later we had word that her kidneys are “beautiful” and untouched by Cowden’s. We left NYU exhausted, and relieved, but still waiting.  Always waiting, and wondering, and worrying.  What next?  Can we fix it?  Wait… nothing new please!  We haven’t fixed the last thing yet… and so on and so on. 

 Tomorrow we will go back to the pediatrician to recheck for the recurrent strep.  Then, a much anticipated play date for Meghan.

Then Friday, its to the plastic surgeon for my recheck, with another playdate for Meghan. 

All the while my cell phone will be close at hand. Last year at Disney they finally got me on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.  Good thing.  I think it’s a case of life imitating amusement park here. 

Cowden’s Syndrome is a great big roller coaster, so I better get a stronger stomach!