My heart aches for the kids. Everything about my mom self is so painfully aware of what they have missed. There is no age group, from Pre-K to College, that has not suffered great loss. I have no answers. I have only thoughts about children in their living rooms, staring at screens, and thoughts about children learning masked in gyms and auditoriums. I hurt for their parents that had to decide which horrible option was better, and for the kids who fear things that are too heavy to be carried on young shoulders.

I cry real tears for my senior. My class of 2021 girl who has no real way to celebrate her full scholarship to a private university. There have been 12 days of school, since March of 2020. There will be no prom. I am not sure that there will be a graduation. I find it unlikely there will be a yearbook.

Global pandemic.

I get it. I truly do. Nothing is as it should be.

But, I have to talk about something we don’t talk about enough.

We are angry. We are looking for a place to but blame. So we throw it around anywhere we can. And often. Way too often. It lands on the teachers.

I know. Before you stop to tell me. I know. I know about the teacher who logs on for 30 minutes a day. I know about the teacher who doesn’t know her student’s names. I know about the one who is in Aruba. Teaching on a beach. I know.

But the ones we don’t talk about are the other ones. The dirty little secret of the educational debacle that is this pandemic.

There are so many teachers that have gathered all their resolve and put themselves in front of a camera every day. There are teachers who sit at that camera from 8-2 with minimal breaks, and then turn the camera off only for the real work to begin.

Sometimes we need to talk about the teachers who had a change of assignment so drastic they had to relearn curriculum for things they haven’t taught in over a decade. Those are probably the senior teachers. The ones that don’t cause trouble. The ones everyone is sure can handle everything.

Those teachers probably began the year with student copies of books that their kids don’t have. So they can take pictures and post slides for the kids to follow along, while they lecture students on things that really will only sink in when they are demonstrated, touched, and played with.

Those are the teachers who didn’t know what Google Drive was. Who taught themselves through YouTube videos. Those are the teachers who then taught the kids to navigate a digital notebook. In a house where they aren’t allowed to print. And no one is home. And their grandparents want to help, but they don’t know what to do. And the language barriers preclude even a conversation with an adult in many cases.

Those are the teachers setting up science experiments at their desks. Under a subpar document camera they bought on Amazon while creating google forms, and slides of everything.

Those are the teachers who are trying to make things easier for the kids while checking on the mental health of those same kids, which their heart and their mind and their soul and their eyes tell them is failing.

Those are the teachers setting up virtual classrooms and trying to motivate kids in any which way they can. Those are the teachers who feel like they are teaching in shackles.

Those teachers. The ones trying to make it ok, they hear you.

They hear you when you talk.

They hear you when you say to stop paying the teachers. They hear you when you malign and belittle an entire profession for the sins of a few. They read the words because they are so cut off from people. Until they sometimes have to just turn off the news and the social media and isolate themselves further.

They hear you. They see you.

They don’t answer you. Because they are sitting. At their computer.

Ignoring their health. Many are where they are because of very real health issues.

They are tired.

They are neglecting their families. And doing what they can to save the children in their care from the loss of an instructional year.

They are there for HOURS. Reading the words your children type. Providing the feedback your children need. EVERYTHING takes FOREVER.

Those teachers are hurt. And they are hurting. They are in an impossible situation. They are lonely. They are alone. And they will not give up.

They would not want that for their own children.

They got into this profession to do better for the children. All of the children.

So I will leave you with a message from all these teachers. It is the same lesson we are giving the children. But, I think the grown-ups need it more.

Be kind. Always.

You know that teacher who you are really grateful to have in your world right now? Reach out to them and tell them.

Trust me. They need it.

They don’t need money. They don’t need gifts. They don’t need fame.

They need to know that their work matters. They need THAT fuel.

And, please. Stop. Think before you speak. Or type. We are all that we have.

#beatingcowdens

I sat on my couch Thursday for the first time since September. It was an odd feeling to sit somewhere other that the desk chair that seems to have a permanent imprint of my bottom.

I sat down after releasing my 29 “rectangles” (read my adorable remote-only 4th grade class) from their daily Zoom meeting early so that they could play in the newly fallen snow.

It is just shy of 2 years since the fall in my classroom that changed my world on 1/8/2019. The need to teach remotely, which was generated by the suggestion of my diagnosing geneticist to minimize my exposure to Covid-19, and was sealed in securely by my foot’s stubborn inability to recover, even after a theoretically “corrective” surgery on 6/25/20, had been an experience that has absorbed almost every hour of every day since September.

After over a decade of working as a “cluster teacher,” teaching predominately a math lab, I was assigned to a fully remote 4th Grade as their real, actual full-time teacher. I was given student copies of the reading, math, science, and social studies program. Teacher’s guides were in hot demand. I was given online access where it was available. Fortunately, I was also gifted with 4th-grade colleagues who value, live, and breathe teamwork.

But, even with an amazing group of teachers to work “with” I was largely on my own. Some of the teachers were fully online like me, but most were teaching “blended” or “hybrid” programs where they were in the building with different students on different days.

Google Classroom was learned through “YouTube,” as were mostly all things Google. I figured out slides, docs, and a working knowledge of forms. I navigated TeachHub, got a recurring Zoom link set up, and vowed to give them the best I could in these crazy times. I figured out BitMoji, and tried to entertain through morning slides. I learned a curriculum I never fully taught. One day at a time.

If nothing else, I am stability for them, and they for me. The class began as 16 and has swelled to 29, but our routine is solid, and I am, for the most part, there “with” them all day. The whole thing is less than ideal, for everyone. But it is life mirroring reality at this point, and a Global Pandemic is less than ideal – for everyone.

In this capacity though, in my mind, it is all about the children, I will NEVER be able to give them a “real” 4th-grade year, but I will strive to give them order, organization, consistency and knowledge they are loved. Beyond all the adults that are out of their elements. Beyond all the political opinions. Beyond the emotionally charged debates, here on my screen daily are very real children, who are being very affected by everything we do and say. There are humans in those boxes. There are humans that are in their homes for different reasons, each with their own personality and very real story.

They are someone’s child. And as my child sits on her computer “attending” a very bizarre Senior Year, I think of the 4th grade her. And I try even harder. I think of the families that are not able to sit with their children because they are working from home, or there are grandparents watching who are not computer savvy, and I think about being raised by a hard working single mother and my ever-loving grandparents. Those children are my child. Those children are me.

I have put in more that my share of 12-15 hour days. I’m not super proud of that, as I have neglected self- care and the needs of my family. My family misses me. But, they understand. I have cried real ugly tears of exasperation and frustration at changing regulations and policies. They understand that too, and bring a hug, chocolate, flowers, or a glass of wine as needed.

I will not reach all the children. I will try, but I will not. I do not like to be anything less than successful, and that reality sometimes keeps me up at night. It would be hard to ensure 29 children in front of me mastered all their subjects. They are humans. They miss people. I get it. But, I can’t fix that either.

My girl handled the college application process almost unassisted. She worked through her essay, vetted her schools, created online interviews, and “meetups.” She is applying for scholarships and has a few promising offers for Physician Assistant programs, a career goal that seems perfect for her. Thank God she is who she is. I paused only to do FAFSA and proofread a few things and the acceptances began to roll in.

While life continues around me I plod on. I arrange science experiments at my desk and I live to provide supplemental digital resources from “Teachers Pay Teachers.” I do, as I have always been taught, “the best I can with what I have right now.”

And this week, when I got to pause I had a hard reality check. I am behind on almost every maintenance appointment. Cowden’s Syndrome, as I have been told since my diagnosis, carries with it cancer risks that peak at 50. Despite my mastectomy and hysterectomy, I remain at great risk for renal cell carcinoma, colon cancer, and melanoma among others. My care team has dissolved. The hospital I once centered out care out of has lost one doctor after another. No one has agreed to take the reigns of a less than basic life. And in this time of Covid-19, it is even harder to establish new care.

Losing track of my own health for a period of time, to benefit the mental and academic health of the children I have come to care greatly for was a necessary distraction. Now as we face the holiday season and the start of a new year, it is time to strengthen my resolve and figure out a way to strike a balance.

I need those children as much, or more, than they need me. But I need to strike that self-care balance. I need to step away from the computer, and silence the phone from time to time.

I loathe establishing care at new offices, attempting to break doctors in, when their very schedules disrupt every aspect of my life, and their care has often proven sub par.

Maybe the last few months I have been quiet because instead of #beatingcowdens, I felt a lot more like we were SURVIVING.

I have a feeling we are not alone. I wouldn’t know for sure because I’ve lost touch with almost everyone. These are crazy times. Take good care of the little people in your life. Know that however you feel about what is going on in the world they hear it and feel it.

I continuously remind myself to “be kind always.” Now more than every, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

We remain forever sometimes barely surviving, but ultimately

#beatingcowdens.