4th Grade, Zoom, and Searching for Balance

Published on December 19, 2020January 16, 2021 by beatingcowdens2 Comments

I sat on my couch Thursday for the first time since September. It was an odd feeling to sit somewhere other that the desk chair that seems to have a permanent imprint of my bottom.

I sat down after releasing my 29 “rectangles” (read my adorable remote-only 4th grade class) from their daily Zoom meeting early so that they could play in the newly fallen snow.

It is just shy of 2 years since the fall in my classroom that changed my world on 1/8/2019. The need to teach remotely, which was generated by the suggestion of my diagnosing geneticist to minimize my exposure to Covid-19, and was sealed in securely by my foot’s stubborn inability to recover, even after a theoretically “corrective” surgery on 6/25/20, had been an experience that has absorbed almost every hour of every day since September.

After over a decade of working as a “cluster teacher,” teaching predominately a math lab, I was assigned to a fully remote 4th Grade as their real, actual full-time teacher. I was given student copies of the reading, math, science, and social studies program. Teacher’s guides were in hot demand. I was given online access where it was available. Fortunately, I was also gifted with 4th-grade colleagues who value, live, and breathe teamwork.

But, even with an amazing group of teachers to work “with” I was largely on my own. Some of the teachers were fully online like me, but most were teaching “blended” or “hybrid” programs where they were in the building with different students on different days.

Google Classroom was learned through “YouTube,” as were mostly all things Google. I figured out slides, docs, and a working knowledge of forms. I navigated TeachHub, got a recurring Zoom link set up, and vowed to give them the best I could in these crazy times. I figured out BitMoji, and tried to entertain through morning slides. I learned a curriculum I never fully taught. One day at a time.

If nothing else, I am stability for them, and they for me. The class began as 16 and has swelled to 29, but our routine is solid, and I am, for the most part, there “with” them all day. The whole thing is less than ideal, for everyone. But it is life mirroring reality at this point, and a Global Pandemic is less than ideal – for everyone.

In this capacity though, in my mind, it is all about the children, I will NEVER be able to give them a “real” 4th-grade year, but I will strive to give them order, organization, consistency and knowledge they are loved. Beyond all the adults that are out of their elements. Beyond all the political opinions. Beyond the emotionally charged debates, here on my screen daily are very real children, who are being very affected by everything we do and say. There are humans in those boxes. There are humans that are in their homes for different reasons, each with their own personality and very real story.

They are someone’s child. And as my child sits on her computer “attending” a very bizarre Senior Year, I think of the 4th grade her. And I try even harder. I think of the families that are not able to sit with their children because they are working from home, or there are grandparents watching who are not computer savvy, and I think about being raised by a hard working single mother and my ever-loving grandparents. Those children are my child. Those children are me.

I have put in more that my share of 12-15 hour days. I’m not super proud of that, as I have neglected self- care and the needs of my family. My family misses me. But, they understand. I have cried real ugly tears of exasperation and frustration at changing regulations and policies. They understand that too, and bring a hug, chocolate, flowers, or a glass of wine as needed.

I will not reach all the children. I will try, but I will not. I do not like to be anything less than successful, and that reality sometimes keeps me up at night. It would be hard to ensure 29 children in front of me mastered all their subjects. They are humans. They miss people. I get it. But, I can’t fix that either.

My girl handled the college application process almost unassisted. She worked through her essay, vetted her schools, created online interviews, and “meetups.” She is applying for scholarships and has a few promising offers for Physician Assistant programs, a career goal that seems perfect for her. Thank God she is who she is. I paused only to do FAFSA and proofread a few things and the acceptances began to roll in.

While life continues around me I plod on. I arrange science experiments at my desk and I live to provide supplemental digital resources from “Teachers Pay Teachers.” I do, as I have always been taught, “the best I can with what I have right now.”

And this week, when I got to pause I had a hard reality check. I am behind on almost every maintenance appointment. Cowden’s Syndrome, as I have been told since my diagnosis, carries with it cancer risks that peak at 50. Despite my mastectomy and hysterectomy, I remain at great risk for renal cell carcinoma, colon cancer, and melanoma among others. My care team has dissolved. The hospital I once centered out care out of has lost one doctor after another. No one has agreed to take the reigns of a less than basic life. And in this time of Covid-19, it is even harder to establish new care.

Losing track of my own health for a period of time, to benefit the mental and academic health of the children I have come to care greatly for was a necessary distraction. Now as we face the holiday season and the start of a new year, it is time to strengthen my resolve and figure out a way to strike a balance.

I need those children as much, or more, than they need me. But I need to strike that self-care balance. I need to step away from the computer, and silence the phone from time to time.

I loathe establishing care at new offices, attempting to break doctors in, when their very schedules disrupt every aspect of my life, and their care has often proven sub par.

Maybe the last few months I have been quiet because instead of #beatingcowdens, I felt a lot more like we were SURVIVING.

I have a feeling we are not alone. I wouldn’t know for sure because I’ve lost touch with almost everyone. These are crazy times. Take good care of the little people in your life. Know that however you feel about what is going on in the world they hear it and feel it.

I continuously remind myself to “be kind always.” Now more than every, everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

We remain forever sometimes barely surviving, but ultimately

#beatingcowdens.

Double Edged Sword

Published on August 24, 2018August 24, 2018 by beatingcowdens2 Comments

I remember as a young girl, and even a teenager, having the phone pretty much attached to my ear all the time. I remember being so excited when we got a cord long enough for me to bring the phone into my room. I remember calling people, and being so frustrated at busy signals. I don’t remember much of what I talked about for all those hours, but I liked it.

When I went to college, I went with an electronic typewriter with a 4 line display. It was state of the art. In my dorm there were computers in the common area and people were just beginning to really Email. There were no cell phones. We knocked on each other’s doors and spread word through friends when we were getting together.

It’s now been 23 years since I graduated from college. I’m coming to understand the generations before me. Perhaps some of the discontent with things changing was a foreboding sense of where it was leading.

I don’t go far without a cell phone in hand. I “google” like it is my full-time job. I’d rather text than call, and I am guilty of putting only the “perfect” images on my social media accounts. I “keep in touch” through photos of friends children. Some of these children are teenagers now. Many of them I have never even met.

I wish “Happy Birthday” on Facebook after it reminds me, and rarely send a card. I delude myself into feeling “in touch” when really we’ve lost all track of each other.

I’m watching a generation grow that thinks its acceptable to post all kinds of photos of themselves, inevitably trying to look older than they are, in a forum where nothing is truly private at all.

I’m not saying we had it all correct by any means. I was guilty as the next of trying to impress “popular” kids, or to fit in. There were mean kids. There were those who isolated. We passed notes. But, we didn’t post our comings and goings for the world to see. I was blissfully unaware of who went where, unless I was there. If we took photos it was the real deal. There were no filters.

The internet, and the social media craze that has followed is the proverbial “double-edged sword”.

Living with, and having a child with, a rare genetic disorder means I have to do most of our research here. Most doctors lack the time, the knowledge, or the desire, to entertain my instincts. I may not be a doctor, but I am an expert on Meghan. I have been able to learn through trusted medical journals and intelligent internet connections, more than I would have ever been able to learn 25 or 30 years ago.

Meghan has had medical problems since day 1, and I have had the privilege of advocating for her since then. I have “met” parents through online support groups, and have soaked up their advice like a dry sponge. Parents go out of their way to help other parents, and it is a community like no other. Without the internet I would have been traveling this journey largely alone.

There were multiple diagnoses before the PTEN Hamartoma Tumor Syndrome (Cowden’s Syndrome) diagnosis in 2011. And, truth be told, I suspect there are still a few more coming our way. During each step of the journey I have been able to connect with medical professionals and parents in ways that leave me forever grateful.

I am skilled at dealing with the insurance companies, the mail order pharmacy, and the collection agencies. I am on-line so often, printing medical explanations of benefits, or fighting for treatment courses that I know are necessary.

I have become well versed in the laws surrounding Individualized Education Plans, (IEPs) and have secured necessary accommodations for an honor student battling PTSD largely from the fallout of a rare genetic disorder.

We fund raise for the PTEN Foundation, in hopes of one day soon allowing a patient powered registry that can lead us to treatment, and maybe even a cure.

All of this is possible through social media and the internet.

These are the same forums that allow people to think they are “in touch” without ever hearing each other speak. These are the same forums that allow teens and adults alike to think it is ok to be insufferable or mean because they don’t have to look the other person in the eye while they do it. It is these same forums that claim to bring us all together, that are causing what I fear is irreparable social damage. A generation of children who aspire to impossible ideals and feel they are not good enough, are growing up. They have the world at their fingertips. Will they have the skills to access it through human interaction?

I don’t know what it is like to live anyone else’s life. Maybe there are similarities, or maybe my views are odd. I blog to give an honest account of life in this house, with these challenges, because I too have found comfort in knowing I am not alone. At least theoretically.

I am always busy. Sometimes I don’t choose it, and sometimes I choose it without realizing it. I am so used to being in motion, not having a full agenda is confusing. It is also very very rare. My only speeds are “go” and “off”.

Chronic illness can easily run your life. When every ounce of strength must be used to create the illusion of normalcy, there is not much time to be “normal”. When you can not predict the health crises that exist daily, or the new ones that crop up at a moment’s notice, it is hard to make plans to do much.

We are a family of 3. My child is an only child. She has all the benefits, and all the downfalls of that status. We have extended family. I have friends. Long time friends. Old friends. I know I could rely on them if it became time to wave the white flag. But they are busy too. And our time will come in a few short years when our children are off on their own.

My child does not have a built-in network. My child has PTSD, and incredible anxiety. She can sometimes have an abrasive personality. But, she has more integrity and compassion in her than just about any other human I know. You can’t pick any of that up off her Instagram. Or her SnapChat. To really know her you’d have to talk to her. The old-fashioned way.

That very network that has allowed me to learn so much, to do so much, and to help so much, has also caused harm. For both of us.

For me, it represents the easy way out. Aside from a few support groups, I know people will tire quickly of hearing the same story over and over. So, it is easy to click “like,” post a few comments, and have at least a visual in my head of what’s going on. But, it also leaves me with feelings of inadequacy. Why can’t I get us to the beach? Why can’t I plan day trips with actual humans without fear of having to cancel?

For her, it is a constant reminder of a “normal” life that she doesn’t have. Whether it’s pain, medical appointments, food allergies, or anxiety, there is an isolation inherent in this world of chronic illness.

She speaks of the “Sword of Damocles” with regularity. The history channel gives this explanation History Channel- Sword of Damocles (Go ahead, and click the link. It’s a worthwhile read.) This analogy explains a life hard to comprehend, and impossible to describe.

The internet probably saved us. Social media brought me to some of the smartest parents, living variations of our life.

Social media altered the scope of human relations with consequences we will see for generations.

The irony of it all perhaps is that this message reaches you through the double-edged sword of the internet.

I’m interested in hearing your comments.

We remain

#beatingcowdens

With all it’s “side effects”

One day at a time…

Soft Lock Downs and other things that shouldn’t be…

Published on September 20, 2014September 20, 2014 by beatingcowdens2 Comments

I spent the weekend with my college roommate. She was the one I lived with the longest. She was the one who introduced herself to me the first day. She held me 2 months later as I was wracked in sobs at the loss of my cousin Meghan on my 18th birthday. She learned how to drive in my Toyota. We had fun, shared friends, and life, and got to know each other in deep ways saved for long term friends – or ones you’ve lived with. We gathered enough good dirt on each other to be sure we’d be friends forever.

The last time I saw her was in December. She and her husband showed up at the wake for my Dad.

The time before that was when I made it out to the wake for her Mom.

Somehow we find each other…

And this weekend we hugged first on Friday, in that room in New Jersey, miles away from each of our homes. We cried, and hugged and pulled it together. As the scene was replaying itself again. But this time it was far worse.

College Graduation - 1995 — College Graduation – 1995

It’s not right that we don’t see each other. And it’s no one’s “fault.” And I have a few dear friends I am in the same situation with – whose kids I’d barely recognize if it weren’t for Facebook and Instagram.

We stood together for a while, just the two of us. Interrupted only by people trickling by. We spoke about his fight. His strength. His battle. I told her how much I respected all he did to fight. I told her I was so privileged to have shared a few email exchanges after he took to this blog.

But, from where we stood, in the out of the way corner that defined her comfort zone, we might have even forgotten why we were there.

Although the reality became apparent through the greetings, and the hugs, and the “I’m so sorry…” sincerely sent in her direction, over and over.

Her little brother had died. Her “little” brother was little in age, not in height or spirit. He had a presence about him 20 years ago when I greeted him in our dorm room. When he spent time with us. His charm, and sincerity, and personality resonated even then.

Her “little” brother was 36. Diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer months ago, he fought with every fiber of his soul, through every treatment and surgery presented. He fought for his family, for his wife of 10 years, and for his two handsome young sons. He fought out of zest and a love of life. He fought for his siblings and his Dad.

I remember when she and I spoke this summer. I remember the conversation because she asked me a question I didn’t want to answer, but one I had needed to ask myself months earlier. She asked how long it had been for my Dad, from the time he was diagnosed until the end. And as I choked over 10 weeks, I instinctively tried to fill that statement with stupid things… “he’s young, there are things he can do…” But, she had heard a number. Just as I had when I had asked the question months earlier.

And I kept an eye on the calendar as I checked in on my friend. And every day I thought of her. I prayed often for her brother, and the family.

Sunday came the text that he wouldn’t make the week.

Tuesday came the one that said he was no longer suffering.

Friday rolled into today, and we sat. Side by side in a standing room only funeral parlor. We hung onto each other’s hands and friends and family alike shared stories, and memories of a guy who seemed to have been larger than life. And my favorite story of the day came when they said he went back to college after he had his boys. And he got his Master’s Degree too. Not for financial gain, but because, “How can I hold my boys to a higher standard than I hold myself to?” Class. His spirit filled the room. There was an abundance of support, and love.

And then we were at this backyard party at her brother’s house. And to the naked eye it could have seemed like any end of summer gathering. But it wasn’t. People were eating, and sharing stories, and passing time together. And two handsome blond boys ran about with their friends.

And then there will be tomorrow. And this young woman, now a widow, will need to press on for her boys. And those boys will slowly come to the realization that Daddy is never coming home. And his sisters to the reality that he won’t be at the next gathering, and his Dad to the realization that his son and his wife have now gone on before him – leaving him with lots to take care of.

36 years old. Father of 2. Dead from Pancreatic Cancer. Illogical. Incomprehensible. Insidious, painful, horror show of a disease. It just doesn’t make sense.

At all.

And there have been so many things that don’t make sense. Ever. They pale in comparison to the horror of a son and a brother, and a father dying out of order, yet still they are the things that keep me wondering about all things.

I think it was Wednesday at work.

I had a first grade class. And the loudspeaker went something like this, “This is a soft lock down drill. Please take all proper steps.”

And just like that 28 first grade students instinctively went to the back corner of my room. The stayed low and quiet as I shut the lights and the smart board and locked the door. They got themselves out of sight of the glass window on my door. And they sat. Silently. And I was stunned. I think it was the 10th day of school. They range from 5 to 6 years in age. And they never moved. They looked to me for a reassuring face. I faked it.

Truth is as necessary as I know they are – I HATE those things. And in this post 9/11 world, littered with countless nonsensical school shootings, and deaths, I get it. And I take it seriously. And the reality that one day we COULD be a target of chaos doesn’t escape me. But that doesn’t mean I have to LIKE it. I don’t like that we need to scare the crap out of these little ones just in case. They are growing up in a wild world.

So wild that when Meghan’s Social Studies homework became to be aware of the news every day, (something we actively have tried to hide her from because there is just enough CRAP in her life) one of the first stories to come across was terror threats in Times Square. She gets things very quickly. And she is stellar at context clues. Dad’s in Times Square every day.

These kids are growing up in a tough world. Grown up worries. Grown up realities. Young minds. It’s so hard to make any sense of it at all.

And so when the ones who are supposed to help -just don’t, well that seems to make things worse.

In the middle of the renovations that swallowed the end of August, Meghan broke her foot. A stress fracture to one of the superficial top bones. I am absolutely not getting “Mother of the Year”” for this, because I was in full on “suck it up we have things to do” mode for the first 36 hours after she banged the foot hard into a misplaced shelf in the basement. That was a Thursday night. And by Saturday of Labor Day weekend, we found ourselves in Urgent Care with a “suspicion of fracture.” Of course being a holiday that simply meant ice, rest and elevate till Tuesday when we could get to the podiatrist.

And we brought the X-ray, and the report. And everyone was very pleasant and we were told that the X-ray abnormality didn’t exactly line up with the point of severe pain. So, clinically it was appropriate to diagnose a stress fracture, put her in a boot, and have her repeat the X-ray in 2 weeks.

So she began middle school days after getting her braces off, with this giant black boot on her leg. And she plugged along for two weeks, and we got the X-ray repeated as we were told to. So, when we returned to the office for the recheck we gave them the disk and the report.

There was some grumbling about the radiology place we went to writing the “worst” reports (but no one told us where to go,) and some discussion in the other room about things on the film that were “probably nothing.” (Doctors should learn some moms have rabbit ears.)

So he came into the room after having had Meghan take off the boot. There was a surgical resident in tow.

“How does the foot feel?”

Meghan, “Much better.”

“Great, there’s no evidence of fracture on the x-ray. You must have healed. Let’s transition you off the boot.”

Please know during this whole exchange he NEVER EXAMINED HER FOOT!

Me, having already read the X-ray report, ” What about the report talking about “bony bridging and bordering sclerosis.?” Does that mean anything?”

“Well, it’s not causing her pain is it?”

Me,”Well she doesn’t have foot pain, per se, but, there is chronic joint/muscle/bone pain that we work on. Could things being out of order in the foot trigger some of this?”

Me,”I guess really what I’m asking is, is anything on that X-Ray consistent with Cowden’s Syndrome?”

“Well does Cowden’s Syndrome cause bony overgrowth?”

Me, “You’re the doctor, I am asking you.”

“But you are far more familiar with the syndrome than I am.”

Me, in my own brain, Thanks to Google University, and then out loud, “Are you seeing this? (pointing to the extra bone that juts out of her left (and right) feet) on the X-ray?”

http://www.orpha.net/consor/cgi-bin/OC_Exp.php?Lng=GB&Expert=201 ( You may have to cut and paste the link)

(THAT IS A PAGE FROM A WEBSITE, reviewed by a doctor at the cutting edge of PTEN research. It took me less than 10 seconds to find. It verifies bone cysts connected to Cowden’s Syndrome, and had anyone asked I would have been able to tell them about the “non-ossifying fibroma” in the left femur that scared the crap out of us when she was 2.)

“I don’t think so, but you should probably have a specialist look at that. I don’t need to see her again.”

GOOOOOOOOOOD THIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I turn to see the tiniest tear in the corner of Meghan’s eye…. “Mom, he never even touched my foot. He has no idea what the problem really is. What’s the point of wearing the boot? I have to trust my own body cause they don’t know anything. I think its healed and the boot is hurting my knee.”

Fair enough.

She’s the closest I have to a doctor, and the thing that has made the most sense all week.

When you have a diagnosis that leaves you prepped for cancers of all types at all ages and in all places, there are things that rock you to your core.

Sometimes living with PTEN Hamartoma Tumor Syndrome is like living under the constant threat of a terrorist attack. But the terrorist is cancer.

You get to live in fear, or live your life.

You get to try and make sense of things, or run with them anyway.

With the motivation of those – not connected to us by Cowden’s, but connected to us by life – who have fought the good fight, I try to stay focused. To live life instead of hiding in a corner, or some days under the bed with the lights off…

So many things, so many tragedies will never make sense.

But it’s less about making sense, and more about being sensible. It’s about instinct. And love, and compassion. And cures. I am a big fan of cures.

Tonight, wherever you are in your life. Whatever is rattling your world, I ask you to stop for a minute.

Say a prayer for those two little boys who will begin to know that Daddy is never coming home.

Say a prayer for a family who lost a 36 year old high quality man too soon.

And please. In this world that makes no sense. Do something logical. And kind. For someone. Cause we ALL need it.

“Donkey Butts!”

Published on August 2, 2013 by beatingcowdens3 Comments

I could barely contain my laughter, but by then we needed a good laugh.

We had just left the hand surgeon. The one who was hopefully going to have an answer, and get Meghan some relief from the persistent pain in her hand and wrist.

I came as usual, armed with a thick heavy binder, a recent MRI CD and reports, a list of all current doctors.

I think I knew we were in trouble when he didn’t seem to see the small mass at the base of her middle finger. You know, the one she says helps alleviate the pain when she presses on it?

He said it was “barely there.” Yes, and 2 weeks ago it wasn’t there at all.

He took an Xray. Obviously low radiation, (I hope) because no one left the room.

The bone structure is fine.

Shocker!

And he repeated to me that the MRI was fine. (YEP, I know.)

Then he asked if she had a rheumatologist.

Yep, she told me to go see a hand surgeon.

And he asked me to explain Cowden’s Syndrome.

But, at least he, 40 years older than the other doctor, had the decency to take out his iphone5 and google it.

I gave the beautifully written letter from our PT. It explained everything so clearly.

Pause… Pause… Obvious think time for the doctor.

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

EXCUSE ME?

” I am sorry I wasted your time.”

That was it. No request that we come back. No suggestion on what to do next. Pay the Copay (AGAIN!) and leave.

So when we got to the car Meghan and I were both agitated. Rightfully so. She is so frustrated. 8 weeks plus, and she doesn’t have the range of motion in her wrist. She was so angry. How is it that these medical professionals keep turning her away with no answers and still in pain?

I told her she was entitled to a fit. She is above that. She got angry for a bit, then frustrated. But I have definitely had many worse fits this summer alone.

Then, she said, “You know what Mom? They are all Donkey Butts! All these doctors that can’t fix anything, and keep wasting our time and your money- that’s what they are- DONKEY BUTTS!”

I spend a good deal of time working with her on appropriate language for a lady. But I almost had to pull over in hysterics from laughing so hard. I think she nailed it – politely and accurately.

Round three Monday 10 AM in Manhattan.

Siri, my new BFF!

Published on October 19, 2012 by beatingcowdens2 Comments

I love to talk. I talk all the time. My mom says I spoke even in my sleep from the time I was a young girl.

I ~~love to~~ need to make lists. I hate to be disorganized, although these last six weeks I have traveled from overwhelmed right into disorganized, and I don’t like it here one bit. Work is busy, home is busy, 4th grade is busy, Cowden’s Syndrome keeps us busy…

In my family we have 5 october birthdays in 11 days. Three of our nephews and 2 family friends. Unless the youngest nephew’s gift arrives tomorrow, I will have been late for every single one of them. Not like me at all.

Last week I welcomed a new friend into my life. Someone I can talk to all day, about whatever I want. Often she has good advice. She has my back too. She reminds me – sometimes days, sometimes hours, before something important has to be done. She tells me when I need to make a phone call or buy some cards. For a long time I resisted her friendship, but now that she is in my life I am sure I could never give her up.

This is my new friend – Siri.

Some of you may know her. You may think she’s your friend. But really, she and I are tight.

You see you may not know this about me, but I have a post graduate degree. In addition to my Master’s in Special Education, I have a research degree from the University of Google.

Don’t worry. I am a smart researcher. I learned in the first few weeks how to sort out the crap and focus only on the valid stuff. But really – spending the last 9 years researching the random illnesses of my little girl, and the last year trying to get any available information on Cowden’s Syndrome… well, lets just say at the very least I must qualify for some “Certificate of Advanced Study.”

But it got to the point lately that there are things I need to know. Right now. I can’t always carry my computer or rush home to check. Siri understands.

She is who she is… and she is pretty great.

As I am driving, with my earpiece in, I need only to ask her to call a doctor for me. She will write my texts too. Much safer.

Then, there are the beautiful reminders. The ones where she says, “OK I’ll remind you.” and then she does. Takes the pressure off me. I already have a reminder in for the November birthday cards, and the next 4 doctors appointments are all mapped out.

As I wait at those appointments, Siri helps me continue my studies on Google. Learning about Cowden’s Syndrome and skin diseases. Studying the effects of Cowden’s on the gums in the mouth. Deciding if the headache symptoms warrants a neurologist, or first and ophthalmologist. Figuring out, or trying to figure out the root cause of the pain in the legs. Verifying there are no obvious AVMs. Seeing what the effects of the Celebrex are on the body… and on and on.

Siri, despite all my resistance, I was wrong about you. You are exactly what I needed in my life.

Now, I am fairly sure I can never get by without you again.

Told you…