My husband says I need to be more confident about my body.  He tells me that I am beautiful.  I am lucky I know, because he really feels that way.  He doesn’t understand my uncertainty at all.

I have always struggled with body image.  I have always exercised, and eaten fairly well.  There have been times of high weight, but my 5 foot 8 inch frame has always held it well.  The last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster though.

Anxiety medication worked to keep the heart palpiations and the panic attacks under control, but it couldn’t give me back my appetite.  I was down 30 pounds before the mastectomy. Now, 11 weeks later there are days when I forget.  I forget the breast cancer that hid from the tests, the mastectomy that was supposed to be prophylactic, and the silicone that now lives under my numb skin.  I forget – until I look.  Then I see the huge scars, and the slightly uneven implants – not a surgeon’s error, but rather the error of 7 biopsies slowly removing the skin on one side over 14 years time and my refusal to endure tissue expanders and all their extra risks.  I see…  I feel…

Now I am home recovering from the complete hysterectomy.  Another huge cancer risk removed from my list, but as I await the final pathology the reality that all my “girl” parts are gone – sometimes hits home, and it ouches a bit.  What will instant menopause be like?  I am not even 40, but I am sure I will know soon enough…  Will my thyroid go totally nuts -again?  Will I gain back every pound I lost?  What will happen to my metabolism, my body?

And what about all these screenings still to do?  There is already a harmatoma on my spleen, and a huge gallstone.  That is before we have checked the skin, the kidneys, the colon.

I have to focus.  I am not Cowden’s Syndrome.  I am only a patient who suffers from it.  I am still me.  Neurotic, loving, caring – me.  I will not let this disease define me, or my family.  If I do that, it wins.

So maybe today I will look in the mirror.  I will try to see the me that my husband sees.  I will continue to recover, again.  I will think about tomorrow when the sun will shine.  I will emerge from this  – better, stronger, more confident, and more beautiful.  If I let it happen.  I am not defined by the sum of my parts or by any disease.  I am defined by my soul….