It’s a Thin Line…

It’s a thin line between love and hate.  That’s how the story goes right?

thin_line

These days I feel I am walking a very thin line, teetering tenuously between confidence that I will end on solid stable ground, and terror that I will just fall off.

Balance has never been one of my strong suits.  But I try.  Every moment of my life I try.

tightrope3

It’s a thin line:

between paid work and “real” work

between schedules and chaos

between strong and terrified

between education and being “over informed”

between smiling and crying

between a cider drink, and a few ounces of straight rum

between prevention and over protectiveness

between not screening, and missing it

between realizing everyone has struggles, and  feeling overwhelmed by your own

between knowing it could be a whole lot worse, and wanting to crawl into a corner and give up

between a vacation, and a time to catch up

between feeling lonely and being alone

between cancer and “precancer”

between prevention and overzealous

between holding your girl as she cries in pain, and crying the night away yourself

between asking all the right questions, and asking too many questions

between BEATING COWDEN’S, and giving in…

It’s a thin line.

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I am walking it every day this month, as the schedule changes constantly, and the number of days I had nicely confined so as not to overtake our summer quickly begin to envelop July.

I am walking it, as I wait for call backs that never come on time – cell phone pressed into my fingers.

I am walking it as I wait to schedule haircuts, and dentist appointments, and things that “normal” people do.

Why do I ask so many questions?  Why do I push for answers no one really wants to give?  Why?

Because if I don’t – who will?

It’s not going away.

BalanceBoardImg

When I walk the line with Cowden’s syndrome, and vigilance on one side – ignorance and denial seem to be on the other.

I don’t plan to fall – but if I do, I know where I need to land.

8 thoughts on “It’s a Thin Line…

  1. I was thinking about you today and your impending Disney trip. We starting talking about a possible 2014 Disney trip. I never thought I would be a “Disney person” but I can’t wait to get back. A little magic is good for the soul I guess, a few days when worry can take a back seat. Hang in there.

    • Agreed – magic keeps me focused through all these long days – especially July days full of doctor after doctor with no end in sight… Can’t wait to get my arms around Mickey Mouse. I always tell people we can’t do much else all year, but that trip is worth every penny of saving! xoxo

  2. I understand completely… I send you a lot of positive and good vibes, and as you once wrote me “we’re all in this together”! I just wanted to let you know you help me a lot.
    I read your blog every time, and told my mom about it. She also felt less alone. We spoke about my childhood, about the pain, the appointments, the misunderstanding from the medical community. We spoke about my battle with Cowden’s that started 20 years ago, even thought I had a diagnosis only 3 years ago. About the battles I still face today and the future struggles. And we made some kind of peace. A fragile one, but still…. Wish you the best 🙂

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