I’m not one for Valentine’s Day. Never was. It didn’t matter to me if I was dating or single, it just never made sense. The “Hallmark Holiday” seemed determined to bleed money out of people who shouldn’t have to work so hard to prove themselves one day a year.
If you love someone, prove it every day. It’s not about the big things. It’s about the things that matter.
Picking up someone else’s mess, doing someone’s laundry, a random hug, an “I love you” that’s real and spontaneous, treating each other respectfully all the time… and so on…
My husband and I decided years ago to exchange only cards on Valentine’s Day. I already know how much he loves me. We do what we can to get a little something for our girl, well, just because. And we, we try to get organized and celebrate our anniversary. The day we stood before God and our families and friends and pledged our “for better or for worse,” and “in sickness and in health.” Because those vows – they matter so much.
Tomorrow I will head to Manhattan for three of my annual appointments, carefully timed to cost me exactly one day off of work. I will see the oncologist, the breast surgeon, and the endocrine surgeon, with some blood work thrown in for good measure, and the results of a sonogram from Saturday checking on that bumpy spleen of mine.
I will return in time to have parent conferences at my daughter’s school.
Not a “romantic” day by any means.
I will wear a red shirt that says “Strong” and I will make it work with a smile.
Because, I will be thinking of this heart.
Last year in January, my Grandfather fell. It was after a trip to the grocery store. We later found there was stroke activity, and that January day began a slippery slope that ended with his passing on March 3rd. If you know me personally at all, you know my grandparents were larger than life to me. That’s it. They were 70 years married, and even though Alzheimer’s had largely robbed Grandma of much of her memory, my Pop loved her with his whole heart.
Last year, coincidentally, my grandparents spent Valentine’s Day in the nursing home at the same time. And, although I’m not totally sure either was aware of the date at the time, we were.
A few days after Pop passed, my uncle sent the picture above. He was cleaning out the linen closet and tucked in between some things was this heart. By every rational account it must have been purchased by Pop, for his love, on that day in January when he made his last shopping trip alone.
My Pop was a man that planned ahead. He was a man who always thought of his wife, and lived every day loving her with his whole heart. And my Grandma, well, she’s pretty special herself, and she’s always been quite fond of chocolate.
Nothing flashy, nothing fancy. But he saw the hearts early, and thought of her. That’s how he rolled. Always kissing her hello and goodbye, clipping roses from their rosebush, and doing what he could, even when there was nothing more he could do.
My newsfeed, and my heart have been full lately, of people struggling and suffering. The prayer list is long. There is pain and sadness and worry. But within, there is also love, and gratitude and compassion.
Life is about balance.
I’d rather spread out the love to last all year. I’ve got plenty to share.
For it is with love alone that we hold each other up.
Love for those around us, and those who’ve gone before, motivates us.
Grandma is still “here” but many of you understand when I say I miss my grandparents. The love though, the love and the example they set is imprinted forever in my soul.
It is with Love and Gratitude that we find the strength to remain
After last night’s late night strep diagnosis, there was no way I could send her to Bible School this morning.
But, I had an appointment with the breast surgeon – a routine follow-up that I knew would take 5 minutes.
(That is why I had scheduled it July 16th when I was ALREADY IN the city- but last-minute doctor vacations are just one of the many inconveniences of life these days.)
I knew it would take 5 minutes – after I drove through an hour and a half of traffic, parked the car, walked a half mile, and waited to be called.
Truth be told it was lest than 5 minutes. A three-minute groping of my silicone implants and surrounding lymph nodes. The proclamation was made that everything looks “great” and I should return in 6 months. I actually was probably dressed and on my way before 5 minutes were up.
But, I HAD to go. It would have been too easy to cancel. It would have been too easy to blow it off. And what if? What if that one renegade cell… Nope, I HAD to go.
And, Meghan had to come with me. She trekked like a trooper to the main hospital to get another copy of the CD of the MRI of her hand for the orthopedist appointment at 2:30. Then, we traveled on the journey to the Clinical Cancer Center. I had to push her in the push chair today. The strep was knocking the wind out of her this morning and the hips and knees were bothering her.
It was also bothering her that people were staring at her. So it was a great opportunity to give her LOTS of really LOUD pep talks. I hope a few people overheard. Some people are really dumb. Others mean well – but for goodness sakes, don’t just stare at the child. Say “hello,” “good morning,” ANYTHING… UGH! But anyway…
And after the 5 minute appointment there was another hour in travel time back home.
Just in time to let the dogs out and run to pick up some chicken breast cold cuts for her to eat before physical therapy.
As she inhaled the chips and chicken I spoke with the therapist. I am always just so impressed by how smart she is, and how much she actually cares about Meghan. She took the time to READ about Cowden’s and to try to understand WHY and HOW the small fatty masses on her palm are affecting her. If only there were more…
Right after therapy it was off to the orthopedist looking for a few answers about the hand and the wrist.
That’s where things unraveled.
Ok. I understand it’s a rare disease. I do.
I get that with an occurrence rate of 1 in 200,000 you may not have touched on it in medical school.
But, you insisted on the paperwork completed online a full 10 days before the appointment. You could have read it, or had someone flag it.
And, I made the appointment with the doctor who had been prepped already.
Bait and switch?
The orthopedist today was amazingly young. I guess the big 4-0 is approaching fast, because I could scarcely believe he was out of medical school. Everyone seems to be looking younger and younger.
No need to remind me of what that implies. I get it.
We have seen LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of doctors. MOST would rather make something up than admit they didn’t know something, which is a problem in and of itself. Not this guy.
He examined her hand. Validated the pain. Looked at the MRI report. Declared there to be “nothing orthopedic” about her problem. And then he said,
“I don’t know ANYTHING about Cowden’s Syndrome, so you’ll have to tell me what it is and what it does.”
I almost asked him to repeat himself, but that would have just been to buy me time for my response. So, as I was gathering my bags and looking to exit as fast as I possibly could, I gave him a brief lesson on Cowden’s Syndrome.
Cowden syndrome is a disorder characterized by multiple noncancerous, tumor-like growths called hamartomas and an increased risk of developing certain cancers.
Almost everyone with Cowden syndrome develops hamartomas. These growths are most commonly found on the skin and mucous membranes (such as the lining of the mouth and nose), but they can also occur in the intestine and other parts of the body. The growth of hamartomas on the skin and mucous membranes typically becomes apparent by a person’s late twenties.
Cowden syndrome is associated with an increased risk of developing several types of cancer, particularly cancers of the breast, a gland in the lower neck called the thyroid, and the lining of the uterus (the endometrium). Other cancers that have been identified in people with Cowden syndrome include colorectal cancer, kidney cancer, and a form of skin cancer called melanoma. Compared with the general population, people with Cowden syndrome develop these cancers at younger ages, often beginning in their thirties or forties. Other diseases of the breast, thyroid, and endometrium are also common in Cowden syndrome. Additional signs and symptoms can include an enlarged head (macrocephaly) and a rare, noncancerous brain tumor called Lhermitte-Duclos disease. A small percentage of affected individuals have delayed development or intellectual disability.
The features of Cowden syndrome overlap with those of another disorder called Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome. People with Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome also develop hamartomas and other noncancerous tumors. Both conditions can be caused by mutations in the PTEN gene. Some people with Cowden syndrome have had relatives diagnosed with Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome, and other individuals have had the characteristic features of both conditions. Based on these similarities, researchers have proposed that Cowden syndrome and Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome represent a spectrum of overlapping features known as PTEN hamartoma tumor syndrome instead of two distinct conditions.
Some people have some of the characteristic features of Cowden syndrome, particularly the cancers associated with this condition, but do not meet the strict criteria for a diagnosis of Cowden syndrome. These individuals are often described as having Cowden-like syndrome.
Sorry if I got you too excited with the title. It’s really nothing too thrilling. It’s just – there’s more. There is always more.
I held the phone all day in hopes I would get the promised call from the rheumatologist today. Really I should know better. At this point I just want to know if I can raise this child’s medication. But, we will add that to the list of conversations for tomorrow.
Tomorrow – happening in just a few minutes. My how time does fly. And my fellow insomniacs, all with minds and hearts as full as mine will appreciate the fact that we laughed today. We actually had a case of the giggles.
It started when I called about the car. The poor, fairly new car at the “Car Doctor” continues to get worse news as the days go on.
Today’s report was that they are “at a standstill.”
But they have to wait for authorization before they can ORDER any more parts.
AND, they are waiting for a “Field Mechanic” to come take a look.
How this happens to a car that 7 days ago the entire shop was swearing to me was just fine is amazing,
At least they are on the same page as I am now.
Meghan and I HATE the rental. It smells, It shakes. It’s dusty.
But we laughed at the fact that the mechanics can’t seem to fix the car any better than the doctors can fix her.
Funny what can make us laugh.
We know each other really well Meghan and I. We are very “in tune” so to speak. I guess it’s a product of being together so often in so many precarious situations.
So as we walked up to swim practice again tonight she complained of pain in her neck. That was weird.
I touched it – checking for lymph nodes. Nothing obvious.
She swam the first 50 yards and looked weak. The coach motioned for me to come to the deck.
She told me Meghan said her throat was scratchy and dry and she was having trouble breathing.
Meghan told me she was GOING TO finish practice and she was FINE because she LIKES practice.
I stepped back from that level of determination. The coach agreed to let her swim if I was close by and we both watched.
She swam until 6:05 after taking 1st place in her 50 free heat during the mock race at practice (and knocking off about 8 seconds from her time a few months ago) the coach told her to go.
Only ten minutes left in practice anyway, reluctantly she agreed.
And I can swear to you as we walked up the steps to exit the pool that is where the speeding train plowed right through her.
That was it. She was talking and then all of a sudden she was telling me she was swallowing nails. She was pale.
It happens that fast. This isn’t so much the Cowden’s but the weak immune system. The IgG subclass deficiencies, the missing mannose binding lectin. From winning her heat, to flat on her butt. That fast.
So we drove home and she showered. We talked about the pros and cons of urgi care at dinner. We had the conversation more for something to talk about. We all knew she had to go.
So we even have a “regular” doctor at the urgi care, who knows enough history not to badger us with silly questions. He dove right in for the strep test. He dug into her throat and patiently watched for that second line to appear. And finally – close to the 5 minute time frame, he walked over and said to me “here it is.” Faint as anything, but it was there.
“Smart Mom, by tomorrow she would have been a mess.”
I know. I know, It’s that fast and that hard. If I wait – it gets ugly.
That’s the scoop on Strep Throat – from a family that has seen a lot of it. We thought we were rid of it when the tonsils left.
We forgot that Cowden’s patients can regrow their tonsils. So the tonsil tags forming again in the back of her throat are little disease mongers.
The first dose of antibiotic went in around 10. The second one will be tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow she was supposed to be at Bible School. Tomorrow she will accompany me in the rental to Manhattan again for my follow-up with the breast surgeon.
I hope its quick.
She has PT at 1, and the orthopedist at 2:30.
No rest for the weary. Have to check on that hand.
This is the letter I send in my Christmas cards… shared for my “on line” friends.
“So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own.” Matthew 6:34
It is hard to imagine another year has passed, and here we are again – eagerly anticipating Christmas and the birth of the baby Jesus. This year the Christmas season is peppered with even more emotion, as we watch our friends and neighbors rebuild from the effects of “Super storm Sandy.” Those of us whose homes were unaffected live in a state of uneasy gratitude, as we do what we can to “Pay it Forward,” to those who have lost so much.
Life in the Ortega house continues to be one of adventure. We are blessed. Meghan excels in school, and loves to swim and dance. Medication allows her to move her body without pain. We are grateful each day for each other, as it is that bond that allows us to weather the storms of life. And there have been some this year! Some time in early spring, Felix joked that I should start on my Christmas letter. He wasn’t kidding.
We began the year, Meghan and I, addressing all the preliminary appointments connected to our new diagnosis of “Cowden’s Syndrome.”
We needed to be set up with oncologists, endocrinologists, the geneticist, and for me, a beast surgeon, an endocrine surgeon, and a GYN oncologist. We can’t use the same doctors, because she needs pediatrics, and in most cases we can not even use the same facilities because our insurance carriers differ. We have been scanned repeatedly – each MRI separate. Sonograms of every body part you can imagine. All of this to learn that this testing will take place in 6 month cycles pretty much indefinitely.
There is so much overlap as to how everything came together this year that it is even hard to summarize. I feel like sparsely a week went by without an appointment – many of them in NYC. I laugh now at the days I swore I would NEVER drive in the city. I don’t use the word “NEVER” much anymore.
In February, Meghan endured her 4th surgery for the arteriovenous malformation (AVM) in her knee. The recovery this time included crutches, and the realization that there was blood leaking behind her kneecap. We were sent to Boston Children’s Hospital where she had a consultation in April with “the doctor who will do the next surgery.” Again, not if, but when. So we wait. She will be scanned again in February to determine the status of the very stubborn AVM. Cowden’s Syndrome complicates any vascular anomalies.
In March I underwent a “prophylactic” bilateral mastectomy. After consultation with several doctors, it was determined that the 85% risk of breast cancer that Cowden’s carries with it, coupled with my personal and family history, made the surgery a necessary next step. Both the surgeon and the plastic surgeon were on site as I opted for immediate reconstruction. The surgery turned out not to be so prophylactic, as my pathology showed I already had cancer in the left breast. The best thing that came out of the surgery was having my mom hanging out in my house for a week – just chatting and giving me a much needed hand. Thankful to God, and for my surgeon, and my husband, for pushing me to get it done – we caught it in plenty of time, and no treatment was needed.
Continuing with all the initial appointments and scans, a suspicious polyp was found in my uterus a few weeks later. A trip to the GYN oncologist led to a conversation that left me with little other option than a complete hysterectomy. So, about 10 weeks after my breast surgery, I headed back to NYU for a complete hysterectomy.
A month later we took Meghan for her thyroid scan to Sloan Kettering. We were told that one of her many thyroid nodules was close to a centimeter and starting to dominate the area. So, our initial “return in a year,” changed to – “we will rescan her in 6 months.” December 27th we go.
Subsequent scans of my interior, (I keep telling them to leave well enough alone – but they believe in taking the used car to the mechanic,) have revealed 4 hamartomas on my spleen, and a small cyst on my kidney. Those are benign, and common in Cowden’s Syndrome, but need to be watched because the potential for other complications exists. I will also be rescanned the last week in December – but after losing so many organs this year, I warned them that I am rather attached to my spleen!
In the midst of our medical “stuff,” life continued around us. In June our hearts were broken by the loss of Ken’s dad, or GGPa, as he was known to Meghan. A man of such compassion, and love – a gentleman, and a GENTLE man – will be truly missed. Our hearts will never be quite the same.
Just to keep things interesting, as “Super storm Sandy” raged around us in October, Grandma Edith, Mom’s mom took a fall down the basement steps. No one is quite sure exactly what happened, but it is evident that the angels held her that day. She suffered a serious head wound, and severe bruising, but broke nothing! She spent days in ICU, and returned home the end of that week. With the help of a high quality staff of physical and occupational therapists, as well as the never-ending love and care she receives from Pop and my Mom, she is getting physically stronger every day. I admire my grandparents. As they approach their 67th wedding anniversary, they stand together as examples of marriage as God intended it. They are role models to us all.
Their marriage reminds me that God gave me a great gift when he sent me Felix. I can say that we share such love through God’s grace – that I can not imagine my life without him. He is my soul mate – and my sanity!
I guess I leave you with – to be continued. No words of wisdom this year. We are trying our best to take it one day at a time. The tree is up. We have our hearts and our heads focused on what matters. We certainly have had plenty of lessons!
We would love to hear all the things that are new in your home!
Warm Christmas Blessings,
Lori, Felix, Meghan, Allie & Lucky Ortega
“Sometimes your blessings come through raindrops, sometimes your healing comes through tears….Sometimes trials of this life; the rain the snow the darkest nights, are your mercies in disguise.” –Laura Story
The cards were in the mail Sunday night. I was getting it together.
Monday I was leaving work, ready to make one stop at a friend’d house before getting Meghan.
I stopped at the stop sign. I looked to my left down the one way street I have traveled so many times before.
I was clear… and I drove.
3/4 of the way through the intersection…
I didn’t see the SUV until it was in my rear driver side door. I spun like an unwanted ride on the teacups and ended up on the grass and curb facing the wrong way.
His car ended up a block away. There had been no braking. No horn. The impact shut his car down.
As I managed my way out of the passenger seat I was clearly stunned – full of so many thoughts.
The trip in the ambulance with an “angel” from Meghan’s school who happened to live in the neighborhood was surreal.
I have laughed and cried a lot over the last 24 hours. I am grateful that I am walking and moving. I am tolerating the muscle spasms and bruising.
As I spoke to the claims adjuster today and they explained that the claim would be backlogged due to the hurricane… I understood. What I didn’t understand is how the guy speeding through the school zone is right, and I am wrong… but I may never understand that.
The thought that gave me peace tonight… in a year that has been so tumultuous, was that maybe – since it was dismissal time so close to my school… maybe I had to take the hit so someone’s kid didn’t have to. Maybe… just maybe.
So I think of my little love.. and I am so happy she is safe. And maybe that thought is where I will draw my peace.
“Sometimes your blessings come through raindrops…”
Now, if you’ll excuse me – I need to head out for a sonogram of my spleen… seems they need to make sure those hamartomas weren’t impacted by the crash….
A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook page today. She is the kind of person who every day finds something to be grateful for. I love that about her. Those are the people worth surrounding yourself with!
Today was the kind of day that could have gone either way. Three doctors appointments back to back in Manhattan. Meghan and Felix home together. I was a bit bitter about wasting a day.
But I got a spot in my favorite lot, and got in a nice walk. Then I met a new dermatologist who studied me very closely. She KNEW what Cowden’s Syndrome was! And, as she took my medical history about the breast cancer, and the hysterectomy, she said “you look awfully good for the year you’ve had!” I had to smile. She understood the rarity of Cowden’s well enough to call the resident in to look at my gums, and what I have come to learn are “classic” Cowden’s marks on my palms and feet. The resident is studying melanoma specifically, so she let her “double check” and ask me all sorts of questions. What a treat to not feel like a freak and be in a room with people trying to learn. Even more of a treat to hear that all is well, and I don’t have to come back for 6 months.
I made it to doctor number 2 – the endocrinologist with time to spare. So, she took me early. An exam, some conversation about the past few months, (through NYUs new system where all the doctors are linked,) some talk about a bone density test in the next few month, a script for blood, and an invitation to return in 6 months. Wooohoo! 2 for 2!
Early for doctor number 3, the breast surgeon, I had to endure a bit of a wait. She however, is THRILLED with my healing, and said I don’t need to see her for a year! (We will do 6 months just so I stagger her with the plastic surgeon, one every February, and one every August – but still! :-)) She asked about my new oncologist, also an NYU doctor, who had contacted her to discuss my case.
Am I starting to feel like there is a competent team of doctors out there?
So, I made exactly the same appointment, same three doctors, February 19th. How nice to come into the city once and park once, and get three done at once. Maybe… just maybe… we can start to get our lives back, little by little.
I was home by 2. Enough time to spend the rest of the day with my family. Who cares that the black car doesn’t start. We will take care of that another day…
When I saw that picture tonight I had to smile. I could have had a really crappy day – but I didn’t.