Normal?

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Really?

Normal.

That’s it?

Normal MRI.

Three hours, two different magnets, three doses of contrast dye.

Six days of agonizing waiting.

The vascular surgeon called this morning.

questions

I want to be happy.

I want to be relived.

I want to be sure I believe he pored over the images on the disk and didn’t just read the report.

Unfortunately I can not be happy, or relieved, because there is pain.  Lots of pain.

When I told Meghan about the conversation she got angry.

I cried.

I don’t know how to help  her except to keep pressing and pressing for answers.

At least she knows I believe her.  I suppose that’s more than some kids in her boat have.

But still its hard.

There is no diagnosis.

There is pain.

She has work to do.

Writing is agonizing.

Swim practice certainly doesn’t help.

What do you do?

charliebrown-football

I can’t take away everything she loves.

I can’t absolve her of responsibilities – even when I know they cause pain.

I called the rheumatologist.  For a small fee I sent her the CD too.  It’s only money.

Maybe she will look harder.

I feel like I have been beaten up.

I spent the afternoon writing a letter to the corporate office about chronic inconvenient car problems.

Really I am tired of all this fighting.

Can’t we all just get along and do the right thing?

No words of wisdom today.  Today we do it Dory’s way…

keep swimming

Serenade

I am sitting in the basement on the computer trying desperately to ignore the cricket serenading me from some other corner of the room.  My family has been asleep for hours.  Silently I have struck a deal with this insect, that if he stays far from me, I won’t try to squish him. 

Not a big bug fan, and since a quick google search shows me a photo of one of his distant cousins, I have strengthened my resolve not to meet the cricket tonight.  I don’t mind bugs, when they live outside where they belong.  I just don’t like them taking residence in my house!

So, he continues to sing, as I put 4 stamps on the CD of the sonograms of my abdomen from April and last Novemeber.  I included the reports and a cover letter to the oncologist.  Off they will go tomorrow, and hopefully they will safely arrive.  See I am really and truly ready to hear the definitive word that the spleen stays.  One more week…

Week – what a week it was.  I swear I am still sore from the boxes earlier in the week.  A true sign that I lost a lot of strength post operatively.  But, I am moved in.  And, after 2 hours on a Friday afternoon after the students, and most of the teachers had left – I am largely set up.  Finally!

Meghan loved her 4th grade teacher, even if it isn’t the one she originally wanted.  This one has all the skill, kindness and compassion of the other.  It will be a great year for her – academically.

Still so many medical questions unanswered.  I am so intrigued as to how a pituitary that is over working can be too small.  I am even more intrigued that this keeps only me, and apparently the cricket, up at night.

Answers.  I need answers instead of more questions.  But I fear it just isn’t to be.  So, I will head to bed before I am forced to meet the insect that has been singing my lullaby for the last 2 hours.

Random Reflections – nothing profound today!

We tried another church today.  This time all three of us went.  A little different than what we are used to, or I should say WERE used to – but it holds some promise nonetheless.  Before we had even left we had been given a tour of the facility by the pastor, and Meghan was invited to a free music class Thursday afternoon.

Førde Church, a typical Protestant church in N...

God has a plan.  And while we did not head all the way to Norway where Wikipedia tells me this picture is from, we were away from “home.”  I am working to keep my eyes open and focused because to be quite honest some days God flat out confuses me.  So we will see.  At least we worshipped together as a family – for the first time in months!

It was gray and overcast a lot of the day.  Glad we got in a swim yesterday.  It may have been the last one.  We would close the pool tomorrow, but we need to call a man about some air bubbles in the liner.  Hoping its nothing too serious. 

We got to spend the afternoon with my grandparents and my parents.  Last minute plans are always a treat when we get to be with family.  Pop was 93 last week.  Grandma will be 92 in 2 weeks.  GGMa is not quite up there, but it is still always a reminder of how fortunate I truly am to see my grandparents interacting with my daughter.

The oncologist’s nurse called me Friday.  She wants a copy of an old abdominal sonogram on CD so they can sort out the spleen, and why it seems to suddenly be growing so many things.  I told her it was going to take me a bit of time to get it because it was 4:40 on the Friday before a holiday weekend.  She told me I could get it Tuesday.  I chuckled.

No matter how hard I try…  “I plan, God laughs.”

I explained to her that after 9 and a half weeks of summer vacation, I return to work Tuesday.  I will not physically be able to have the CD burned until Friday.  They will get it in about a week and a half.  At which point she nicely reminded me that it could be serious.  To which I replied quite simply, “No it can’t, because I don’t have time.”

She was appalled I think.  But, what I meant was, I have undergone 2 major surgeries in the last 6 months.  I have a colonoscopy scheduled for one of the days off this month, and an orthodontic visit with Meghan on the next one.  Unless you can prove to me my spleen is about to explode or damage some other remaining internal organ – HANDS OFF!

I am about done with all these doctors!

So as much as I did my best to plan to keep next week, the first days of school, free and empty of things to do – the yellow pad next to me gets more full by the minute.

I will at some point get that CD.  I will get the results of Meghan’s blood test and MRI.  I will call Meghan’s school and sort out the busing mess that is developing for the first day of school.  I will get the pool guy to show up when someone is home and tell me if I need to fix the pool before it can be closed.  I will get Meghan to swim class, the orthodontist, and that new music class, and to Physical Therapy too.

I will get back to work.  We will get back to homework, and a schedule that hopefully involves more kids and less doctors.

There will be stress, and tears, and nervous stomachs, and excitement.

And for Mommy – there will also be wine.  LOTS of wine!

Although I must admit sometimes it’s nice to reflect with a few “normal” worries mixed in!