First I was a daughter.  A sometimes mousy, sometimes mouthy daughter.  I was respectful, but hated to be stepped on.  I wrote letters to the editor when I was annoyed.  I let people know how I felt.

Then I was a teenager.  I was full of opinions and was quite sure they were all right.  I was willing to debate for hours, or sometimes stay really really quiet – stewing in my personal assurance that I was right and they weren’t.

I spent 4 years away at college.  Even though I didn’t want to – lol.  I will be forever grateful to my stepdad for his insistence that I drive, AND go away to college.  I am not sure I would have done either.  At college I learned to stand on my own two feet.  I met all sorts of people from all walks of life.

By the time I hit my 20s life had educated me some.  I still held strong convictions, but I was able to accept that it was ok for others to have their own.  I gained the belief that as long as people were respectful – we could disagree.

In my 20s I met my husband.  A match that many thought was destined to fail.  And unlikely pair we compliment each other in every way.  He was my missing piece.

In my 20s I became a teacher.  A lifelong goal realized.  I worked harder than I ever had in my life to be the best I could be.  I recognized the magic of teaching.  I became addicted to the “spark” in their eye when they “get it.”  I came to see that my presence and my attitude were as important as my lessons.  I taught/teach my students, my children – to see the best in others, and to tolerate and embrace differences respectfully.

In my 20s Mom had cancer.  And I learned what it was like to be scared.  And I learned what really really matters in life.  And she fought, and she won.  I always appreciated my family, but I learned to appreciate them even more.

In my 20s I got married.  I got my Master’s Degree.  We bought a house.  We tore it apart.  We fixed it up again.  We got buried in debt.  We worked hard to get out.

Then – just about when I was ready to turn 30 – we had Meghan.

Mom said you do more changing in your 20s than in your teens.  She was right.  But as my 30s come to a close – I think they beat my 20s hands down.

In my 30s I learned to love my heart, outside of my body.  I learned that I would never be as important as that little human we created out of love.  I learned about family all over again.

In my 30s I learned to live without sleep.  I learned to endure tears and screeching and pain as my heart ached for my baby girl.  I learned that colic can last way longer than 3 months, and I learned to bounce and rock and sing and move for hours and hours on end.

In my 30s I learned how to balance two full time jobs, as a mother and a teacher.

In my 30s I learned what it was like to be truly terrified, as your baby went into the hospital, and into surgery over and over again.

In my 30s I became really close with God.  I learned that my relationship with Him transcends walls and buildings and people.  I learned gratitude, and I learned not to be shy about my faith.

In my 30s I learned that convictions can change.  And the things I was sure I was right about 5 or 10 or 15 years ago…well, maybe I wasn’t so right after all.

In my 30s I learned that close friends share bonds that go past time and distance.  I learned that even though I miss them, they are there when the going gets tough.  I learned that EMail, facebook, and the internet, when used properly – are some of the biggest blessings in life.

In my 30s I learned that you have the power to make changes in your life when situations, circumstances or people have you angry, sad, hurt, mad, or generally annoyed.  I learned doing something is way more rewarding that complaining.

In my 30s I learned if you believe in something enough, if you believe in someone enough, well even if you stand alone, you have to stand up for them.  And I learned that if you do – they will be your friend forever and ever.

In my 30s I learned what it was like to hear the words “You have a Rare Disease.”  I learned words like “Cowden’s Syndrome.”  I learned about “tumor suppressor genes,” and “genetic mutations.”  I learned about risks and tests that could take worry to a whole new level- if I let it.

In my 30s I learned what it was like to hear the words “You HAD cancer.”

In my 30s I learned which body parts are “extra.”

In my 30s I learned – because they made me- what it was like to tell your 9 year old, “The doctors are pretty sure you will have cancer.”

From mousy to mouthy.

From school teacher to Mom.

From “victim” to advocate.

All these things make me who I am today.

So much has changed, and yet at my core, my heart – I am the same.

I feel.  Deeply and truly.  I care.  Often too much.  I laugh, and I love with my whole heart.  I know pain, and I know joy, and I have been intimate with both.  I know fear and bravery.  I know that I am not always right – but when I am… watch out.  Because little will stand in my way.

I know life is not fair.

I know God is Good.

This weekend I went to 2 wakes.  One for a woman who had lived a full life, and another for a young girl who sparsely got the chance.  There are too many wakes.  There are too many things that don’t make any sense.  Too many people gone way too soon.

I can wail and cry and wither away in my sadness.  I can let fear win – or I can stand strong.

Cowden’s Syndrome tries to win.  It can strike fear in my core with a headache, or the sighting of a lump, or the feel of a bump.  But I will not let it paralyze us.  I will not let it win.

So we have our team of doctors.  We have our visits scheduled.  We check it all.  Sometimes its tiresome.  Sometimes its discouraging.  But I would rather be out in front of the boulder – than under it.

Through it all I know Meghan is watching.  My student – learning from how I react, how I fight, how I handle adversity.  My teacher – teaching me bravery, courage, candor, tenacity, and stamina.

I do the best I can to show her that its important to stand up for what you believe in.

I think she gets it.  I know I do.

The 30s have been a ride, and I still have a few more months to go.

In my 30s I learned what it was like to total a car.  I learned the frustration and injustice that often goes along with accidents that they would like to tell me I am powerless to fix.  I also learned that even though there are in fact some things I can not fix – there are others I can and will speak up about.

If you happen to catch this before 10 PM – try channel 11 news “Help Me Howard.”  Working with the neighborhood to change a few things at my car accident site.

https://beatingcowdens.com/2013/06/04/howard-works-to-put-a-stop-sign-in-a-deadly-staten-island-intersection/

Advocacy.  Empowering.  Invigorating.  Much more fun than lying in wait.

We have to keep our energy up, standing up for what we belive in while we are “Beating Cowden’s!”