… but no one else seems to want to listen.

I am tired.  Not just the physical tired, but the mental and emotional tired too.

My body is exhausted.  Tomorrow I head back to work.  Two major surgeries in 3 months.  I think my incisions might be healed, but I am just so wiped out.

This recovery from my hysterectomy has been nothing short of obnoxious.  The bleeding seems to have subsided, and the pain is gone.  The restrictions are still in place, but the hardest part has been feeling so damn alone.

Days go by, the phone doesn’t ring.  Not a text message to check in.  Not expecting fanfare here, but a little love from my friends and family would be nice.  Now there are a few.  There are always a few… but even with them, I am lonely.

That loneliness hasn’t helped me feel better.  No.  Not one bit.  Combine that with the fact that my dear husband, who truly tries his best, is in school 2 nights a week, and has worked more overtime in the last 2 weeks than he has since December.  He can’t say no.  Not in this economy.  And he so rarely gets called.  Timing sucks.

So it has been me, and my girl.  She is awesome.  Yesterday when we realized Daddy definitely wouldn’t be home, and we were dangerously low on food, she came to the grocery store with me.  She didn’t let me lift a thing.  She packed the cart, packed the bags, and carried them right into the house.  She is awesome.  But, she is tired too.  She is always willing to take care of me.  But she is 8.  A friend would make for a much better weekend.

So, today I took her with me to a meeting at my church.  Remember a few weeks ago when I said, “I don’t have a problem with God…it’s His fan club…?”  Well that is getting more true by the day.  I can actually say I was disgusted by my minister, and a large portion of my church.  The church where I have grown up for the last 38 years.  Things are tenuous between the pastor and myself, I would say largely due to his LACK of support, but he did not even greet my daughter or myself at the meeting.  She is so astute.  I am trying to channel her energy away from anger, but she feels the hurt in me.

I know there is a plan here.  One larger than me, larger than any of us.  I do believe strongly in God and His guiding hand.  I have been blessed with several miracles, and witnessed others.  I know He is here, but I do not often understand His  plan. 

So, in the midst of all the chaos, the drama, and the confusion, I seek solace in music.  I remind myself that these people who are so painfully absent – don’t mean to be hurtful.  Those full of drama are lacking the bigger picture.  I never lose touch with the reality that I am not the only life struggling.  There are so many others, so much worse off.  But for now, for right this minute, it doesn’t change the fact that I am sad, scared, and lonely.  No one really wants to hear it, because they can’t fix it.  But its true.

I have always believed everyone does the best they can with what they have where they are.  So, even amidst my sadness, I do not have anger.  People have their reasons. 

Tomorrow I will go back to work.  I will smile brightly as if I was without a care in the world.  Even if my bones ache from exhaustion, and my heart aches to share this pain with those I love, I will smile.  I will get through the days, one at a time.  And I will always have a song in my heart to help me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skQQRhhZZQg

“He Said”
(feat. Chris August)