First I was a daughter. A sometimes mousy, sometimes mouthy daughter. I was respectful, but hated to be stepped on. I wrote letters to the editor when I was annoyed. I let people know how I felt.
Then I was a teenager. I was full of opinions and was quite sure they were all right. I was willing to debate for hours, or sometimes stay really really quiet – stewing in my personal assurance that I was right and they weren’t.
I spent 4 years away at college. Even though I didn’t want to – lol. I will be forever grateful to my stepdad for his insistence that I drive, AND go away to college. I am not sure I would have done either. At college I learned to stand on my own two feet. I met all sorts of people from all walks of life.
By the time I hit my 20s life had educated me some. I still held strong convictions, but I was able to accept that it was ok for others to have their own. I gained the belief that as long as people were respectful – we could disagree.
In my 20s I met my husband. A match that many thought was destined to fail. And unlikely pair we compliment each other in every way. He was my missing piece.
In my 20s I became a teacher. A lifelong goal realized. I worked harder than I ever had in my life to be the best I could be. I recognized the magic of teaching. I became addicted to the “spark” in their eye when they “get it.” I came to see that my presence and my attitude were as important as my lessons. I taught/teach my students, my children – to see the best in others, and to tolerate and embrace differences respectfully.
In my 20s Mom had cancer. And I learned what it was like to be scared. And I learned what really really matters in life. And she fought, and she won. I always appreciated my family, but I learned to appreciate them even more.
In my 20s I got married. I got my Master’s Degree. We bought a house. We tore it apart. We fixed it up again. We got buried in debt. We worked hard to get out.
Then – just about when I was ready to turn 30 – we had Meghan.
Mom said you do more changing in your 20s than in your teens. She was right. But as my 30s come to a close – I think they beat my 20s hands down.
In my 30s I learned to love my heart, outside of my body. I learned that I would never be as important as that little human we created out of love. I learned about family all over again.
In my 30s I learned to live without sleep. I learned to endure tears and screeching and pain as my heart ached for my baby girl. I learned that colic can last way longer than 3 months, and I learned to bounce and rock and sing and move for hours and hours on end.
In my 30s I learned how to balance two full time jobs, as a mother and a teacher.
In my 30s I learned what it was like to be truly terrified, as your baby went into the hospital, and into surgery over and over again.
In my 30s I became really close with God. I learned that my relationship with Him transcends walls and buildings and people. I learned gratitude, and I learned not to be shy about my faith.
In my 30s I learned that convictions can change. And the things I was sure I was right about 5 or 10 or 15 years ago…well, maybe I wasn’t so right after all.
In my 30s I learned that close friends share bonds that go past time and distance. I learned that even though I miss them, they are there when the going gets tough. I learned that EMail, facebook, and the internet, when used properly – are some of the biggest blessings in life.
In my 30s I learned that you have the power to make changes in your life when situations, circumstances or people have you angry, sad, hurt, mad, or generally annoyed. I learned doing something is way more rewarding that complaining.
In my 30s I learned if you believe in something enough, if you believe in someone enough, well even if you stand alone, you have to stand up for them. And I learned that if you do – they will be your friend forever and ever.
In my 30s I learned what it was like to hear the words “You have a Rare Disease.” I learned words like “Cowden’s Syndrome.” I learned about “tumor suppressor genes,” and “genetic mutations.” I learned about risks and tests that could take worry to a whole new level- if I let it.
In my 30s I learned what it was like to hear the words “You HAD cancer.”
In my 30s I learned which body parts are “extra.”
In my 30s I learned – because they made me- what it was like to tell your 9 year old, “The doctors are pretty sure you will have cancer.”
From mousy to mouthy.
From school teacher to Mom.
From “victim” to advocate.
All these things make me who I am today.
So much has changed, and yet at my core, my heart – I am the same.
I feel. Deeply and truly. I care. Often too much. I laugh, and I love with my whole heart. I know pain, and I know joy, and I have been intimate with both. I know fear and bravery. I know that I am not always right – but when I am… watch out. Because little will stand in my way.
I know life is not fair.
I know God is Good.
This weekend I went to 2 wakes. One for a woman who had lived a full life, and another for a young girl who sparsely got the chance. There are too many wakes. There are too many things that don’t make any sense. Too many people gone way too soon.
I can wail and cry and wither away in my sadness. I can let fear win – or I can stand strong.
Cowden’s Syndrome tries to win. It can strike fear in my core with a headache, or the sighting of a lump, or the feel of a bump. But I will not let it paralyze us. I will not let it win.
So we have our team of doctors. We have our visits scheduled. We check it all. Sometimes its tiresome. Sometimes its discouraging. But I would rather be out in front of the boulder – than under it.
Through it all I know Meghan is watching. My student – learning from how I react, how I fight, how I handle adversity. My teacher – teaching me bravery, courage, candor, tenacity, and stamina.
I do the best I can to show her that its important to stand up for what you believe in.
I think she gets it. I know I do.
The 30s have been a ride, and I still have a few more months to go.
In my 30s I learned what it was like to total a car. I learned the frustration and injustice that often goes along with accidents that they would like to tell me I am powerless to fix. I also learned that even though there are in fact some things I can not fix – there are others I can and will speak up about.
If you happen to catch this before 10 PM – try channel 11 news “Help Me Howard.” Working with the neighborhood to change a few things at my car accident site.
https://beatingcowdens.com/2013/06/04/howard-works-to-put-a-stop-sign-in-a-deadly-staten-island-intersection/
Advocacy. Empowering. Invigorating. Much more fun than lying in wait.
We have to keep our energy up, standing up for what we belive in while we are “Beating Cowden’s!”
beatingcowdens 