It’s Complicated…

complicated

I just ended a 30 minute conversation with Meghan’s adolescent gynecologist.  The fact that she spends 30 minutes on the phone with me speaks to a rare spark of passion for her field, and a genuine desire to help.  These are things we clutch because they are uncommon, and, when they come at all, they are fleeting.

The long and the short of the pathology, which arrived earlier than planned, was that there was no malignant finding.  Yes, you read that right.  No malignant finding. (Insert Happy Dance here…)

happy dance

And the gratitude for the prayers and positive energy was lifted up.  We truly are always aware of the potential alternatives, regardless of our situation.

But, as is always the case with Meghan, I encourage you to keep reading.  Nothing is ever really simple.  And, as the years go by it seems to get progressively more complicated.

While in fact there was no malignant finding, there was not a purely benign pathology either.  She had “the best type of hyperplasia you’d want to find.”

Except when pressed, the gynecologist admitted that there is no type of hyperplasia that you’d ever want to find in a 12-year-old, and that there should be nothing but normal cells there.

Hmmm.  Hyperplasia. Medicine.net says…. “Hyperplasia: An increase in the number of normal cells in a tissue or an organ. Hyperplasia can represent a precancerous condition.”  And various other sites say the same.  The doctor agreed.  The pathology finding was not “normal,” and therefore it must be treated.

See, hyperplasia, specifically endometrial hyperplasia might be detected in women 3-4 times her age.  It might even be expected in women 5 or 6 times her age.  But, her age is 12.  And none of this is ok.

think_outside_the_box

I pushed her about thinking outside the box, and she reminded me that the entire biopsy WAS thinking outside the box.  Any other teen would have been treated for months or more on hormones.  That could have had epic consequences.

In the short-haul, she gets to heal from an invasive procedure.  In the next week more hormones will be introduced to her body in an attempt to keep the hyperplasia at bay, and most importantly to keep it from progressing.  But, hormones, although commonly used to regulate bleeding, require special care in the case of a young lady with no thyroid, a difficult time balancing the endocrine hormones, an extremely elevated risk of uterine and breast cancer, thanks to the PTEN mutation, AND TWO first degree relatives, with estrogen fed breast cancer.

For now, she keeps her uterus.  And we hold our breath.  We hope that over the next few months things will start to calm down.  And some time in the next 6 months the invasive biopsy will be repeated over again to make sure the hyperplasia is gone or behaving itself.

repetition

To Meghan this mimics the process that took place at the beginning of the end of thyroid removal.  We had about 3 years of progressive biopsies before they decided to pull the plug and take it out.  She knows, and agrees, that we will all fight longer and harder for her uterus.  For so many reasons.  But the similarities can’t be overlooked.  Nor can the distressing notion that another body part is misbehaving.

When we were diagnosed in 2011 we were told there would be screenings and monitoring.  We even figured on a few doctors every 6 months.  At one point we dreamed of getting them all into a week in August and a week in February and living a somewhat normal life the rest of the year.

Instead, in Meghan’s life alone there have been 5 surgical procedures in the last 13 months.  Digest that for a minute, because it’s hard to keep track of.

Currently we are monitoring her thyroid levels through blood every 6-8 weeks, visits twice a year, and annual ultrasound to monitor potential regrowth.

We are monitoring her knee where the AVM resides, through twice a year visits to the interventional radiologist and twice a year visits to the orthopedist.  There is an annual MRI.  And two of those procedures in the last 13 months have been for the knee.  Add in surgical follow-up visits, and Physical Therapy.

The dermatologist needs to see her twice a year.  Not because anything has been found on her, but because in addition to me passing the PTEN gene to her, apparently her father and I BOTH have Dysplastic Nevus, a “precancerous” condition where moles have a tendency to become malignant.  Couple that with the almost 10 % melanoma risk Cowden’s patients carry, and in addition to the sunscreen, there are necessary scannings.

There is the gastroenterologist, who became necessary almost two years ago when the use of Celebrex to control the knee AVM started to rot out the GI tract.

And the ENT who was added so he could monitor the larynx to avoid unnecessary endoscopy but gauge improvement from the scary state she was in in May of 2014.

Oh, and the doctor who prescribes the digestive enzymes because they work, and no one else will.

And the pediatrician who doesn’t like to go more than 3 weeks without examining Meghan, who also keeps her on Acyclovir, prophylactically for chronic HSV that recurs on her face.

And, don’t forget the hand surgeon, who we love, (who doesn’t have a hand surgeon on the team?)  who has twice in 3 years removed vascular lesions, one from each palm.  And those surgical follow ups.

vomit emoji

Nothing is neat and clean.  Nothing is contained.  Nothing ever fit into those 2 weeks we once dreamed about.  This disease has projectile vomited all over our lives.  And it’s everywhere.  And it’s messy and gross, and we just want to take a hot shower and move on.

Because we haven’t even discussed fitting in MY appointments…

And a full-time job….

And an honor student….

Who is a swimmer….

And a theater buff….

And a community activist in the making…

All after work, and school, into the city, in traffic, and expensive parking lots, in hopes of getting back local in time for practice.

Last week I told Meghan over the Christmas Vacation we would need to see her gyn, and do her knee MRI, and my abdominal sonogram.  She was less than impressed.  The general sentiment is that we don’t get vacations, we get days off from school to go to the doctor.  I can’t argue.

overscheduled

The physical, mental, and social ramifications of this under-funded, “orphan disease” are having a profound effect on the life of my girl, and her mom and dad too.

That is one of the main reasons we work so hard to raise funds and awareness.  Maybe one day…

So tonight, we are grateful.  We are on our knees in gratitude, for the prayers that were lifted on her behalf.  We are thrilled to hear the words, “It’s not malignant,” but we are painfully aware the journey of monitoring another body part has just begun.

So if we are not shouting from the rooftops, please don’t think us ungrateful.  We are not.  We are relieved.  We took our first deep breath in weeks.  But, we did ask Santa for some new body armor, polished and ready for the new challenges PTEN Hamartoma Tumor Syndrome, (Cowden’s Syndrome) are actively placing in our way.

We ask that you continue your prayers, and continue to educate yourself about genetic cancers, orphan diseases and people like us, left to be our own advocates, in a world that isn’t overly concerned with how our story shakes out.

While we are in transit, to and from a lot of places we’d rather not be, we talk a lot.  Most of it is complicated.  But some of it, is quite simply about how a 12-year-old with a vision is going to change the world.

life goes on

 

Come join us on FEBRUARY 21st as we try to draw attention to Rare and Genetic Diseases! Beating Cowden’s Fundraiser LINK – PLEASE HELP US SPREAD THE WORD!

Time with "BOB" our favorite entertainer...
Time with “BOB” our favorite entertainer…

Overwhelmed

Someone tried to steal my credit card today.  Online purchase of almost $1000.  We are pros at this.  Text alert.  Call to Chase.  Charge suspended. Crisis averted.  We are pros at being hacked.  One day I’ll figure out why.  Right now I don’t have time.  I’ll be busy calling E-Zpass, and all the other automatic charges on our only real credit card.  Whatever.  I have to laugh.  Cause if I don’t I might cry.  And that would cause a headache and be counter-productive.

I have serious attention issues.  Probably because everything I touch seems to morph into a few more things to address.  More phone calls, more emails, more papers, more appointments.

stubbronness

My life is not that bad.  Truly.  I know I’m in good company.  Chaos abounds and if you don’t appreciate some of it, you’ll regret missing it.  But, the thought that someone would want to BE me makes me laugh a bit.  Or maybe they just think I’d be too busy to notice…

Yesterday Meghan was scheduled for a biopsy at 3:30 PM.  That is a rotten time for any surgical procedure.  It involves a full day of fasting, anxiety and the like.  We arrived at 2:30 and got checked in.  Then we waited.  And at 6PM when I finally walked with her to the OR she was dizzy and light headed from nerves and a day of not eating.  Hours delayed.  Cause, why not?

reason for everything

It sucks that my 12-year-old knows what a biopsy is.  It really, super sucks that she has had so many.  It’s helpful that they’ve all been negative so far, but the notion that “luck” will run out at some point looms.  She knows all about pathology and wonders if it will be back before Christmas.  I am often struck by the notion that all of this is unfair.  But, I have always hated the people, young and old, that whine about things that are “not fair.”  The struggle not to become THAT person is real.

help

I write to bring back my focus.  I write to get the thoughts swirling around in my head back into good order.  I write because it makes it less awkward for the people who actually want to hear about our lives, but don’t know what to say.  Some days the task of organizing these thoughts is much easier than others.

We are at a point that our lives are overwhelming.  I don’t just mean busy, like in a typical, school, activities, homework, sports, etc. kind of overwhelming.  I mean they are overwhelming in the medical sense.  We are past the point where we can even really talk to most people about what’s going on.  I get to kid around a little when I talk about needing my spleen tumors scanned again, or my implant lifted, but it’s hard to share the true tears of frustration I feel that I will have to do that with a new surgeon because mine sold her practice and is now out of network.  I keep the tears I cried about that tucked away.

In fairness, what do you say when you are discussing the umpteenth medical procedure of your 12-year-old, when most adults you know have only had one or two surgeries or procedures in their lives?

How could I expect someone to even respond?

How do you explain that we have “operating room routines?”

What can you say to soothe the lonely pain of recovery.  Again?

Nothing silences a conversation faster than a discussion about the uterine biopsy of your 12-year-old daughter.

Nothing silences her cell phone faster than trying to just share a little of that enormity.

path destination

Truth is, we know.  We know we are loved.  We know we are thought of, and virtually hugged, and prayed for.  We know.

But, when so much of your life is swallowed up in medical procedures that you really can’t talk about – it gets lonely.

She’ll need another day on the couch.  To recover fully.  Her Dad will stay home tomorrow.  They will watch some TV, and talk without speaking.  They are good at it.

And Monday, she’ll head back to school, awkwardly searching for the fine line of politely ignoring the enormity of her life, and sharing just a little with those who are brave enough to ask.

Please don’t take any of this the wrong way.  We appreciate the love, and texts, and Facebook messages, and Emails.  We love all of you.  And we are sure we’ve missed some key things in your lives too.

elephant and dog sit under the rain

It’s just, well, the reality of this Cowden’s Syndrome, the enormity of the 5 surgeries in a bit over a year, the gut wrenching notion that it won’t quit – ever, the frustrating planning of two scans and a doctor’s appointment already eating up the next “vacation,” the waiting for the pathology report for the polyps that just don’t belong in the uterus of a 12-year-old, well, honestly… It’s just overwhelming.

I think that’s the word that describes my thoughts best.  Overwhelmed.

Now that I’ve got that organized, I’ll get back to the business of

BEATINGCOWDENS!

The Patient or The Person?

Right-Decision-Wrong-Decision

I am sure I am not the only one, especially the only parent, who struggles daily with wondering if I have made the best choices for my daughter.

Sometimes we argue, and bicker, and I find myself wondering if I am reaching her.  Other times I look at all her activities and wonder if she is too busy.  Still other times, I look at her and I see those tired eyes, and I wonder what I can do to make things better.

Choices.  Life is about choices.  And around 12 years old is that transitional time where more and more of the choices become hers, not mine.  I can guide, and support, but she is beginning to make more of her own choices, and handle their consequences, be they positive, or not.

She is doing a great job,  and truly despite a few hiccups, I could not be more proud.  But I will always worry.

Question-Mark-Cloud

The one area though, where the decisions are mine and her father’s to make, are the complex medical decisions.  And with Meghan there are many.  I have to wrestle with my roles, advocating for her best interests physically, mentally, and emotionally.

This has been a growing process for me, and there has been such a learning curve.  With Meghan there is always a medical decision, always a worry, always something that has to be checked out and looked at.  Many of these things have potentially serious consequences.  But, she is not a medical specimen, with a fascinating genetic disorder.  She is a child, a young lady, with hopes, dreams, goals, and emotions.  Finding the balance between who she is and what she needs is tenuous.

Sometimes I get it wrong.

This time, I got it right.

The doctors are worried.  She needs a biopsy.  But, it’s not her first biopsy, and it won’t be her last.  There is reason for concern, and we take that concern very seriously.  The biopsy was to take place on the 9th of December, the first available.  It would keep her from swimming for about 10 days.

right decision

She looked at me.  I knew in my gut what to do.

No, you’ll have to book her for the 16th.  (Even knowing the extra week of waiting would be agonizing for me.)

The doctor looked puzzled.  But…

Listen, she has her drama concert on the 10th, and her swim meet on the 12th and 13th.  She’s primed and ready to qualify for a championship meet.  One week is not going to change that biopsy.  You and I both know, it is already whatever it is.

She looked at me.  She looked at Meghan.

My eyes locked with my girl.  In those eyes she thanked me for putting her the person, before her the patient.

Thursday there was this…

Saturday, there was this…

And before the meet was over she had personal best times in 4 out of 5 events, and 2 qualifying times for Silver Championships.

We have no idea what Wednesday and the ensuing week waiting for pathology will bring.

But, there is a peace in knowing the person is always more important than the patient.

Mother-Quotes-45

I Found the Christmas Spirit, at the Grocery Store

She could have ignored the tears in my eyes. She could have beeen annoyed by my lack of focus. Undoubtedly she was tired. It was Friday night, and after 8. I would never see her again. It would have been so easy to look past my face, and my shaky mannerisms, and rush my order through.

But, she made eye contact. And, she asked me if I was ok. And, she meant it.

Although every rehearsed part of me wanted to recite the appropriate line, the one that says, “Yes, I’m fine thank you…” I just couldn’t get my mouth to form the words.

A sigle tear fell down my cheek. And then another. I was in the grocery store. A ritual every third Friday, miles from home. By sheer grace alone no one was behind me.

As the words came tumbing out she made eye contact. She showed compassion. As I rambled about the doctor who had just called me, on my cell phone, after 7 on a Friday night, and the raw fear I felt for my 12 year old, she listened. At the grocery store.

A quick summary of 12 years of ill health and yet a bright, beautiful young daughter who defies all the odds. A few words about the 4 years since diagnosis with a rare, genetic mutation that causes benign and malignant tumors. A brief sentence about the constant battle to keep the malignancies at bay. The terrifying, bone crushing fear that we might be losing.

She bagged my cart. She found my shopper’s card. She reminded me where to sign for my credit card.

And then she did something that I will never forget.

She called her manager. And at first I didn’t understand. Then, she said, “I’ll walk you to your car.” It was cold. Almost raining. She didn’t flinch.

She told me about her own experiences with missed and bumbled diagnoses. She told me she hoped my daughter would be ok. And she meant it.

Somehow I got home that night. The nightmare still continues. But, this woman….

In this busy holiday season, where we sometimes forget what really matters, she cared. At the exact moment when I needed someone to care, and I was surrounded by complete strangers, she cared.

I don’t even know her name. But, she reminded me about Christmas spirit. She reminded me that people care. She showed compassion to a stranger.

She has no idea how much she did for me.

She sent me right home to hold the one who matters most.

This kid.  My stength.  My motivation.  My hero.
This kid. My stength. My motivation. My hero.