It’s Complicated…

complicated

I just ended a 30 minute conversation with Meghan’s adolescent gynecologist.  The fact that she spends 30 minutes on the phone with me speaks to a rare spark of passion for her field, and a genuine desire to help.  These are things we clutch because they are uncommon, and, when they come at all, they are fleeting.

The long and the short of the pathology, which arrived earlier than planned, was that there was no malignant finding.  Yes, you read that right.  No malignant finding. (Insert Happy Dance here…)

happy dance

And the gratitude for the prayers and positive energy was lifted up.  We truly are always aware of the potential alternatives, regardless of our situation.

But, as is always the case with Meghan, I encourage you to keep reading.  Nothing is ever really simple.  And, as the years go by it seems to get progressively more complicated.

While in fact there was no malignant finding, there was not a purely benign pathology either.  She had “the best type of hyperplasia you’d want to find.”

Except when pressed, the gynecologist admitted that there is no type of hyperplasia that you’d ever want to find in a 12-year-old, and that there should be nothing but normal cells there.

Hmmm.  Hyperplasia. Medicine.net says…. “Hyperplasia: An increase in the number of normal cells in a tissue or an organ. Hyperplasia can represent a precancerous condition.”  And various other sites say the same.  The doctor agreed.  The pathology finding was not “normal,” and therefore it must be treated.

See, hyperplasia, specifically endometrial hyperplasia might be detected in women 3-4 times her age.  It might even be expected in women 5 or 6 times her age.  But, her age is 12.  And none of this is ok.

think_outside_the_box

I pushed her about thinking outside the box, and she reminded me that the entire biopsy WAS thinking outside the box.  Any other teen would have been treated for months or more on hormones.  That could have had epic consequences.

In the short-haul, she gets to heal from an invasive procedure.  In the next week more hormones will be introduced to her body in an attempt to keep the hyperplasia at bay, and most importantly to keep it from progressing.  But, hormones, although commonly used to regulate bleeding, require special care in the case of a young lady with no thyroid, a difficult time balancing the endocrine hormones, an extremely elevated risk of uterine and breast cancer, thanks to the PTEN mutation, AND TWO first degree relatives, with estrogen fed breast cancer.

For now, she keeps her uterus.  And we hold our breath.  We hope that over the next few months things will start to calm down.  And some time in the next 6 months the invasive biopsy will be repeated over again to make sure the hyperplasia is gone or behaving itself.

repetition

To Meghan this mimics the process that took place at the beginning of the end of thyroid removal.  We had about 3 years of progressive biopsies before they decided to pull the plug and take it out.  She knows, and agrees, that we will all fight longer and harder for her uterus.  For so many reasons.  But the similarities can’t be overlooked.  Nor can the distressing notion that another body part is misbehaving.

When we were diagnosed in 2011 we were told there would be screenings and monitoring.  We even figured on a few doctors every 6 months.  At one point we dreamed of getting them all into a week in August and a week in February and living a somewhat normal life the rest of the year.

Instead, in Meghan’s life alone there have been 5 surgical procedures in the last 13 months.  Digest that for a minute, because it’s hard to keep track of.

Currently we are monitoring her thyroid levels through blood every 6-8 weeks, visits twice a year, and annual ultrasound to monitor potential regrowth.

We are monitoring her knee where the AVM resides, through twice a year visits to the interventional radiologist and twice a year visits to the orthopedist.  There is an annual MRI.  And two of those procedures in the last 13 months have been for the knee.  Add in surgical follow-up visits, and Physical Therapy.

The dermatologist needs to see her twice a year.  Not because anything has been found on her, but because in addition to me passing the PTEN gene to her, apparently her father and I BOTH have Dysplastic Nevus, a “precancerous” condition where moles have a tendency to become malignant.  Couple that with the almost 10 % melanoma risk Cowden’s patients carry, and in addition to the sunscreen, there are necessary scannings.

There is the gastroenterologist, who became necessary almost two years ago when the use of Celebrex to control the knee AVM started to rot out the GI tract.

And the ENT who was added so he could monitor the larynx to avoid unnecessary endoscopy but gauge improvement from the scary state she was in in May of 2014.

Oh, and the doctor who prescribes the digestive enzymes because they work, and no one else will.

And the pediatrician who doesn’t like to go more than 3 weeks without examining Meghan, who also keeps her on Acyclovir, prophylactically for chronic HSV that recurs on her face.

And, don’t forget the hand surgeon, who we love, (who doesn’t have a hand surgeon on the team?)  who has twice in 3 years removed vascular lesions, one from each palm.  And those surgical follow ups.

vomit emoji

Nothing is neat and clean.  Nothing is contained.  Nothing ever fit into those 2 weeks we once dreamed about.  This disease has projectile vomited all over our lives.  And it’s everywhere.  And it’s messy and gross, and we just want to take a hot shower and move on.

Because we haven’t even discussed fitting in MY appointments…

And a full-time job….

And an honor student….

Who is a swimmer….

And a theater buff….

And a community activist in the making…

All after work, and school, into the city, in traffic, and expensive parking lots, in hopes of getting back local in time for practice.

Last week I told Meghan over the Christmas Vacation we would need to see her gyn, and do her knee MRI, and my abdominal sonogram.  She was less than impressed.  The general sentiment is that we don’t get vacations, we get days off from school to go to the doctor.  I can’t argue.

overscheduled

The physical, mental, and social ramifications of this under-funded, “orphan disease” are having a profound effect on the life of my girl, and her mom and dad too.

That is one of the main reasons we work so hard to raise funds and awareness.  Maybe one day…

So tonight, we are grateful.  We are on our knees in gratitude, for the prayers that were lifted on her behalf.  We are thrilled to hear the words, “It’s not malignant,” but we are painfully aware the journey of monitoring another body part has just begun.

So if we are not shouting from the rooftops, please don’t think us ungrateful.  We are not.  We are relieved.  We took our first deep breath in weeks.  But, we did ask Santa for some new body armor, polished and ready for the new challenges PTEN Hamartoma Tumor Syndrome, (Cowden’s Syndrome) are actively placing in our way.

We ask that you continue your prayers, and continue to educate yourself about genetic cancers, orphan diseases and people like us, left to be our own advocates, in a world that isn’t overly concerned with how our story shakes out.

While we are in transit, to and from a lot of places we’d rather not be, we talk a lot.  Most of it is complicated.  But some of it, is quite simply about how a 12-year-old with a vision is going to change the world.

life goes on

 

Come join us on FEBRUARY 21st as we try to draw attention to Rare and Genetic Diseases! Beating Cowden’s Fundraiser LINK – PLEASE HELP US SPREAD THE WORD!

Time with "BOB" our favorite entertainer...
Time with “BOB” our favorite entertainer…

Perspective… with a touch of fatigue and frustration

I have said so many times, and through the last year especially, that it’s all about perspective.  That is how I get by, and that is how I teach my daughter.  The key is having enough perspective in life to understand that in EVERY house, in EVERY street, in EVERY city, in EVERY country, people have “stuff.”

Now its easy to look sometimes and think that “this isn’t fair” or “they have it easy,” but in reality – we just don’t know.  We aren’t them.  So we live our lives, trying to avoid passing any judgements – and doing our best to get by.

perspective einstien

We are acutely aware, especially in these days after the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School, and “SuperStorm Sandy” that tore through our hometown, of how lucky we are,

And yet, even with all that perspective.  Sometimes it’s just hard.  Sometimes its hard to get up and get going, and press on.  Sometimes its hard to deal with the punches life keeps throwing.  Sometimes I need to stop and take a breath to avoid the chest pain of my own anxiety.  Sometimes that’s just how it is.

justkeepswimming

So, I remain torn.  Torn between the conscious knowledge that so many others are suffering in ways far worse than I could imagine, and this ever-present, sometimes bone crushing fatigue that plagues me as we just try to get by.

If you are still reading then. you will indulge me a few minutes of frustration along the “Cowden’s Syndrome” journey?  That is, after all, what brought me here to being with.

Sometimes when life gets as overwhelming as it has been I start to practice avoidance.  I duck phone calls and messages.  Not because I don’t want people.  It’s actually quite the opposite.  Its because I fear people will tire of hearing the same old thing.  And, really, no one knows what to say.  So even if I am comfortable enough to lay it out there, I feel bad for the poor soul now left without a clue as to how to reply.

several days at once

Three months ago Meghan‘s pediatrician asked me to find her a neurologist to contend with her headaches  I am thinking she more likely needs an ENT for her sinuses, but I haven’t found either one.  The week of “Sandy” her eye doctor appointment was cancelled.  Haven’t rescheduled that one either.  Tonight she lays in bed resting her fatigued hypermobile joints.  I wonder if she gets that most kids don’t have to spend the night in pain just because they danced in school a bit today.

Last December – this exact week, I was very busy getting the slides from Meghan’s November thyroid biopsy transferred to a prominent cancer hospital for a second look.  It took phone call after phone call, but finally they were received by the endocrinologist/oncologist.  Just in time for a holiday break.  We waited anxiously for confirmation that the biopsy was read correctly and was indeed benign.  We were called in for a meeting with the doctor a few days after New Years.  The news was better than we had expected.  “Precancerous cells.”  Come back in 6 months.  And so we did.  The scan in June got us the same – return in six months.  On December 27th we will head back to see if those cells are still “precancerous.”   I am fairly sure I am the only one who remembers the timing of last year’s anxiety.  That is why I find this year’s timing ironic as well.

thyroid biopsy

So, the car is totaled and gone a few weeks now.  The back is improving – often, but not always.  The sonogram revealed disconcerting growth with the spleen hamartomas.  I trudged through another MRI.  I was told to call a surgeon.  They requested the CD from the local sonogram.  I sent it Fed Ex.   It arrived last Thursday..  I called Thursday last week to confirm its arrival.  Then I called Tuesday to find out what was the progress.  I was told the oncologist and the surgeon had to view it then talk.  I think I annoyed the receptionist when I asked if it would be after Christmas.  She said no.  It would be sooner.  So, I have carried my phone like a schoolgirl with a crush.  Nope.  Tomorrow is Friday.  I can almost wager they are away, or on vacation.  I just want to know if I am planning for surgery on my spleen.  That’s all.  Am I planning for surgery?  I can wait on the specifics.

tired-of-waiting

But,maybe I can’t wait that long.  I guess that all depends on Meghan’s thyroid.  If that stays in, then I can pull this off.  One more surgery – no big deal.  But if she needs surgery too… then things get trickier.

I am NOT looking for a formal plan here.  I know how God feels about that.  Just some guidance… maybe?

I-plan-God-laughs

I was back at the hospital that did my hysterectomy tonight for my six month follow-up.  Everything looks good.  Apparently the hot flashes are  right on schedule, and hormonal migranes get me a script for medication.  I will see them  again in the summer so we can talk about adding bone density test to my list of life long follow-up stuff.   It’s all good.  I got this.

you-got-this

I think.

Yesterday was “cause day” at our school.  I wore Meghan’s necklace and her shirt.  I was able to raise a bit of awareness.  We have 300 yards of denim ribbon.  We are going to do something special for rare disease day in February.

rare disease day

We are special.  We are 1 in 200.000.  There are 2 of us.  And I am tired.

But, I haven’t lost my perspective.  We are so blessed.

Family Photo!

Family Photo

This year I am obsessed… well with quite a few things, but one of them is not (directly) medical.

This year I am focused on a high quality, everyone looks their best, everyone is smiling, family photo.

We are a family of three.  Immediate family that is.  (Not including our furry friends Allie, and Lucky.)

Our extended family includes his parents, two sisters, a brother-in-law, and three nephews.  On my side, there are my grandparents, (Mom’s parents, my step-dad’s Mom, and my father’s mom) as well as my mom and dad, my father, my two sisters, a brother-in-law and a half-brother, and two nephews. That list doesn’t begin to address aunts, uncles and cousins galore on both sides.  Yes, they are all family, but reality will never put them all in one place at the same time, and there are probably some blessings to that.  While I love them all dearly, I often say you shouldn’t mix drinks, or extended family!

We have been fortunate enough that we have been able to travel to Walt Disney World in Florida for the past 4 summers.  We will be making it a 5th this year.  We save and budget all of our “fun” money for a Disney vacation because for their extremely high pricing, we get “allergy safe” meals wherever we eat, and unlimited access for Meghan’s push chair, which she often needs when we travel more than about a half mile. It is the best week of the year for all of us.

It is usually the week of Meghan’s birthday.  It is doctor free, no needles, just be “normal” week. We take LOTS of pictures.  Usually it is of Meghan alone, or of one of us with Meghan.  They are great photos and I treasure them.  The few photos we have gotten of all of us in Disney usually have us in sweats, and sneakers – SWEATING. This year we are going to go to the photo studio, and I don’t care how much it costs.  Meghan and I have dresses picked out, and matching sandals too.  (We just need to pick out something for Daddy who after deciding “stress eating” isn’t the way to go, is down over 20 pounds!)

There are so many reasons why I am focused on this photo. It is FUN to focus on something FUN.

I have been smacked in the face with the reality of the frailty of life.  In March I was given a “second chance” as I was told the breast cancer that was “sneaking up on me,” unbeknownst to any doctor – was gone.  Gone after a “prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.” Gone before it had a chance to wreak havoc on my life.  Gone.  But I will not forget the words of my surgeon, “If you had waited until July to do the surgery you would have likely been in a fight for your life.” Instead, I will go to Disney World.

Not lost on me is the reality that 15 years ago next month my Mother finished up treatment for bilateral breast cancer.  She is strong, a survivor, still here, enriching our lives.

Not lost on me is the cancer scare AGAIN in May, as they worried about a malignancy in my uterus, before performing a hysterectomy.

I am vividly aware every moment that the thyroid specialist who monitors Meghan’s “precancerous” thyroid nodules, took back his invitation to come back in a year, and said, “we better see you in 6 months.  One nodule is starting to dominate.”

I am painfully aware every moment that after one of the strongest, and longest battles I have ever witnessed, we lost GGPa in June to cancer.

My stomach, and my heart hurt for the victims of the senseless attack in Colorado this week.  Families out to see a movie – life ended so tragically.

I love to look at pictures.  In an age when people have stopped printing them, I have shelves FULL of albums.  I love reliving memories, and smiling at al the good times. The albums remind me, that no matter how tough things seem, there ARE LOTS of good times.

Cowden’s Syndrome, PTEN mutation, cancer, NOTHING can take away the memories or the good times.  So since 2012 has been quite the year, we will take a “fancy” family photo.  One that will hang somewhere in our house and remind us that we can endure the tough times.  One that will remind us to hug each other tightly, and to kiss each other when we leave, and to never stay angry over nonsense.

One that will remind us that we are defined by our spirits, and not by the sum of our parts.

We are family, and a pretty special one at that.

Family Photo!