Our Digital Footprint

Tomorrow Felix and I will be married 13 years.  While in some ways 13 years seems like a long time – in other ways I sparsely remember that there was life before I married my best friend.

And as compatible as we are, anyone who knows us is aware that we are as different as day and night in so many ways.  One of those ways is the internet.

I facebook.  I blog.  I Email.  I communicate with people I know well, and people I have never met.  He doesn’t.  He communicates live and in person (and sometimes on the phone) with the small circle of people he loves.

In the world of digital footprints, I have to imagine that mine and Meghan’s are substantially larger than that of my husband.  And with that knowledge comes the need to sometimes remind myself of what I already know – there is no privacy on the internet.

digital footprint 3

We live in a suburb of a big city – unique in the fact that 6 degrees of separation can easily be played – and usually can serve to connect “natives” in far less than 6 tries.

That means, that every post, every writing, every thought, every sentiment that I choose to make public will be read by people who know me, people don’t, people who like me, and people who don’t.

I have begun to “clean up” and clean out my private facebook account.  Life is about balance.  My husband wonders why I want to stay connected to people I don’t see or even know.  Well, many of them hold a special place in my heart – whatever the reason. Many are very dear to me.  But, some I really wouldn’t know if I passed them on the street.  Do they care when my girl is at swim practice? Or that my anniversary is tomorrow? Or that we have a new church?  Or a new school?  The answer truly is – probably not.

So how does all this connect to Beating Cowden’s?

Well, here’s how I see it.  I started this blog to raise awareness of a Rare Disease. – one that has changed my life and that of my daughter, and my whole family.  I wanted to get the word out that this 1 in 200,000 disorder was wreaking havoc on our lives, and we are working to control it.

Then, as I became more educated, I wanted to expose people to the world of Rare Diseases.  The reality that we are among the lucky ones has been a potent lesson.

I want people to know that Rare Diseases are not always visible.  That even though we don’t “look sick,” the suffering is part of daily life.

These realities have made some people uncomfortable, and have brought some others closer to us.  Lessons learned.  Life changes.

digital footprint 2

So when I blog, I try to focus on my own experiences, but without fail they are intertwined with Meghan’s.  What can I do to protect her?  Not too much.

She wants this blog to continue.  She is proud to be part of an awareness raising effort.  So, I have given her editing privileges  and the constant reminder that once I hit “publish” I can not take it back.

I think in some ways this level of awareness will help her – when she takes more control of her own digital footprint.

“Beating Cowden’s” is about our daily struggles – sometimes with doctors, our bodies, medical tests, surgeries, and just people in general.

I have thought so much about privacy, and how it is almost a work of fiction these days. I have worried about hurting people’s feelings on my private page – but I am starting to get over it.

If you make a conscious choice to put yourself out there – there has to be a purpose.  And, you have to be willing to stand behind every word you type.

There is no privacy on the internet.

digital footprint

Beating Cowden’s will continue as a means to raise awareness of a virtually unheard of Rare Disease.

My own personal Facebook page will take a bit of an overhaul in the next few weeks.

Don’t take offense.

I am just getting our feet ready for spring!

Ramblings and Random Thoughts

thankful for the difficult

I am not who I was before.

Before there was Felix.

Before there was Meghan.

Before there was Cowden’s Syndrome.

Before there was breast cancer.

I am just not who I was before.

But every change has been part of a process, a transformation that is still taking place.

Perhaps the biggest change has been in my attitude towards others.

I try to surround myself with positive people.

Knowing full well that we all have our moments.

I deliberately seek out tolerant people.

Tolerant of changes.  Tolerant of others.

Life is short.

Judgement brings anger, hatred, contempt.

I have no time.

let go of the toxic

So one by one I have worked to let them go – the toxic ones.

And I cling tightly to the others.

But such transformations affect your whole self – your core.

When I was much younger I had ideas.  I was sure I was right – all the time.

Not so much anymore.

Now, I am sure that I make mistakes.

I am sure that everyone I truly love does the best they can with what they have where they are.

I am sure that everyone hurts.

I am sure that everyone struggles.

I look with a softer heart.

I see things from the other point of view.

Once I might have said that I found others beliefs to be “wrong” or “immoral.”

Now, I respect that others have beliefs and feelings that deserve to be respected – just like mine.

Maybe its the Cowden’s.

Maybe its the stress, or the fatigue.

Maybe its just me – growing up.

I tend to stay out of politics, and I don’t really comment on religions other than my own.

But I know I was raised to love my neighbor.

I know I was raised not to judge.

Really in the end – I just think if we all loved each other as sisters and brothers…

… well maybe more things would make sense.

I am not who I was before-

I am a work in progress.

I am surviving.

I am beating cowdens one day at a time.

I am embracing lessons learned.

I am wiser and more tolerant than I ever hoped to be.

One step at a time

Tonight, we celebrate the small victories because we are fully aware how important the little things are.

I get to keep my spleen for 6 more months. (And maybe even longer!)

celebrate

The surgeon said that the hamartomas are there.  They are large, but they are stable.  Stable is a nice word.  So, because they are stable it implies they are benign.  This is another nice word.  The game becomes seeing if they remain stable.  So, in 6 months I will have another MRI.  If they have changed – it comes out.  If they haven’t we can continue to talk about keeping it.

6_months

Makes me wonder when keeping our organs became cause for celebration.

That is definitely in the “Post Cowden’s Syndrome” world.

You know I have wondered on and off how you actually “beat” Cowden’s.  Is it by coming through with the most organs still intact and cancer free?  This is such a strange, relentless disease.  It’s research, while still in its infancy is coming.  But,  I have to wonder how much more they will know a year, or 10 years from now.  And, whether I will like any of it.

We are waiting.  And we know that we are not alone.  We are waiting for Meghan’s results, and its nail biting, agonizing waiting.  But, Felix and I talked tonight and wondered what news would make us happy.  There was no easy answer.

please wait

See, last year – January actually – when we transferred the slides from her November 2011 biopsy to Sloan Kettering, the endocrinologist whose team reviewed the slides told us the cells were precancerous.  They had scored a 3 out of 5 on some scale they use.  He told us they would turn.  We just couldn’t predict when.

So, in June when he called and said he wasn’t thrilled with this nodule (one of many) on the left side we were anxious.  But he said, having reviewed her sonogram she could wait 6 more months to be scanned again.

So, here we are 6 months later.  Tomorrow will mark an agonizing 2 weeks since we went for this sonogram.  Waiting.  Worrying.  Wondering.

what if

When they tell you its “when,” not “if,” it changes things.  No matter what they tell us there will be an anxious, uneasy feeling attached.

This is the game with Cowden’s Syndrome.  It’s almost like a time warp.  A terrible cycle of wait, test, worry, results… Wait 6 months and repeat.

time-warp

Six months seems to be all you really get.  Well, now what I have lost a few organs, I get a year on those follow ups.  But everything else is 6 months.  For both of us.

I tried to sync them up.  So that maybe the worry wouldn’t seem continuous.  But it hasn’t worked yet.

I try not to think too far ahead.  You know what Mom says about planning anyway.

I-plan-God-laughs And to think about this in constant 6 month cycles, well… forever.  It’s a little too much to manage sometimes.

So, we take it one day at a time.  Sometimes one hour.  Or, on this never ending road we call Cowden’s Syndrome – one step at a time.

neverending road

Beating Cowden’s… With a Jingle of Hope”

Friends creep into your life at the strangest times, and under the most peculiar circumstances, but sometimes the people we are happiest to know are the ones who became friends when we weren’t paying attention.

My neighbor has a heart bigger than almost anyone I know – except maybe my daughter.  She has looked out for all three (five with Allie and Lucky) in this house more times than I can count.  She loves my little girl like she is her own blood.

Today she showed up with this ornament.

ornament 2

Apparently she made them, sold them. and brought the profits over for Meghan to donate to the charity of her choice.

She fills our lives with JOY – and is definitely an angel on earth.

Random acts of kindness.  LOVE!

The New Normal

Ok. So that normal was short-lived.  Glad I enjoyed it while it lasted.

I am trying the “don’t worry” thing.  I really am.  Truth be told.  I stink at it.  It’s true.  I try and try, but in the end – epic fail.

We finished the antibiotics Tuesday from the hospital/fever/headache thing 2 weeks ago.  She was on the mend, so I thought.

I know our schedule has been busy.  Too busy for her.  Too many things to do, every day leads to exhaustion.  My body struggles with exhaustion, but hers just can’t cope.

So this morning we went for the follow-up blood work.  The one to make sure the White Blood Cells and platelets came back to normal.  The we headed to Queens to visit my in-laws.  Two dogs, Meghan, Felix and I.

I the middle of a nice visit I noticed her resting her head on the arm of the chair.  Then, she asked for food.  She told me she wasn’t feeling too good so she must be hungry.  We fed her.  Then it all started to crash and burn.

She loves her baby cousin Connor.  But, she started backing away, not wanting to get too close to him.  Then, there was the red line across the eye.  Finally, “Daddy will you rub my head?”

And from there it all went downhill.  A cold cloth and Daddy’s magic fingers did little to relieve the pain.  In about 15 minutes time we were back on the Belt Parkway heading home.

My mind was racing.  She slept for a bit in the car, and I just kept trying to figure out a way that this could make sense.  Not even just to me, but to someone – anyone.

The last time we were in for headaches the pediatrician told me to get a neurologist consult.  Well I am working on it tonight.  God and the power of the internet have me linked up with some Cowden’s patents.  The goal is to find a pediatric neurologist who is competent and already has heard of Cowden’s.

That is of course if the immune system stuff is even Cowden’s related.  Then again at this point I am going under the theory that all this is related in some way.

Settled into bed with Advil and a 102 fever at 7pm. It promises to be a long night.  I will decide on a neurologist and have a few numbers ready to call during my lunch on Monday.  Priority.

We will see the ped at 3:30 Monday, and hopefully not  before.

Worry -it’s what’s for dinner.

Maybe I should stop looking for the old normal.  It happens so infrequently anyway.  Maybe it is all about the new normal.