Magnetic resonance imaging – Page 4

Bravery/ Courage

Published on July 13, 2013July 13, 2013 by beatingcowdens3 Comments

Bravery – Ready to face and endure pain; showing courage

Courage – strength in the face of pain or grief

It’s not a secret how I feel about my girl. It’s not a secret at all that I hands down find her to be one of the bravest and most courageous children I have ever known. She faces adversity better than most adults I know. She presses onward with determination, not drama.

I don’t mean for a minute that there is never a hiccup on the path. That would be delusional, and even unfair for a child who has yet to pass her 10th birthday. But I mean, that despite the pebbles, rocks, and sometimes boulders tossed in her path, she keeps her head up and stays focused on what matters.

Yesterday we has testing at MSKCC in NYC. We were told to arrive by 8:30 AM for testing at 9. It was to be a 2 hour pituitary function test, followed by an ultrasound at 12:30. Then we would be home by about 2.

So we woke at the crack of dawn – a nasty habit this summer – and arrived in our designated spot by 8:20. As we were meeting the oncology nurse, a truly LOVELY and compassionate woman- a representative from the doctor’s office came bustling in to tell us the medication needed to start her test had not arrived at the hospital, and should be there by about 3. She then proceeded to tell me maybe I wanted to reschedule.

Let’s say succinctly that the conversation that followed took place out of Meghan’s earshot. The medication would arrive at 3. We would have our ultrasound at 2. And everything we left the house for bright and early WOULD be accomplished, before we headed home.

I can be a calm and rational person, at the right time. But, the right time is NOT after you confirm an appointment at 4:30 PM the night before and FAIL TO SEE IF THE NECESSARY MEDICINE IS ON SITE!

So, I saw the woman off on her tasks to fix what had been broken, and I took the cues of my girl who thought, “We are in Manhattan – Let’s see Daddy.”

We took the shuttle to 53rd street and 3rd Ave. Then we WALKED to 42nd and 7th. Just in case there was even the slightest doubt that Meghan needs her wheelchair in Disney – it has officially been confirmed. The 25 minute walk each way did more damage to her legs than I could have imagined.

But, we did get to Toys R US. Meghan has been there before, as it is one of the stores her Daddy helped light before it was open, and it is so close to his office, but a toy store of that size is a huge thrill nonetheless.

She left with a Merida doll from the movie “Brave.” Ever so fitting in so many ways. I knew Daddy would have to take the Barbie size one home with him, so we surprised her with a Polly Pocket sized one when we got back to the hospital.

Why did you like this doll, Mom?

Because YOU are the BRAVEST girl I know.

The shuttle took us back to MSKCC by 1:30. We promptly bought Tylenol for legs that could barely carry her and went to endure a 40 minute ultrasound. Then it was back up to the floor for the test. The medicine arrived – barely, just barely, but it arrived in time so that after an IV was placed, and a super painful injection given – we began the 9AM test at 3:15.

And there she sat, for 2 hours, in her chair. Reading, playing with her iPad, watching movies. Uncomfortable. Exhausted. Brave. Courageous.

It may take a week or more to have the test results, and I will pray as I always do, that they return without any evidence of a problem. But, time will tell, and the waiting game is one we are well practiced at.

So as we arrived home at about 7 last night – 12 hours after we left for the day- we consumed a giant dinner prepared by Daddy, and my poor exhausted girl took some more Tylenol and fell fast asleep.

Only to be woken this morning by the ring of the alarm clock.

An 11 AM MRI/MRA of the wrist was waiting for us at 1st Ave and 38th Street. The June 4th injury never healed, and it was finally time to get some answers. The doctors we have seen all have differing opinions. AVM? Arthritis?

When I tell you I have actually lost count of the number of MRIs my girl has had, you may find that odd, but there truly have been THAT many. We have the pattern pretty much down.

We let the (hopefully) nice nurse pick the IV spot.

Of course this time, since it was a scan of her RIGHT wrist and hand, the really solid veins in the RIGHT side were off-limits. So, after two painful sticks to the left, she ended up with the IV on the side of her wrist. And even with the discomfort she was in, she listened intently as the camera was placed in the MRI room, and absorbed her directions on positioning.

My cursory question of “How long?” Was answered with “Less than 45 minutes.” It’s almost a silly question to ask because I have no watch, no radio, and no means of telling time in the room. But, somehow it makes me feel better.

Ear plugs in place, the door closed us in, and she headed into the tube. My hands remained on her ankles, and I could hear the deep breathing. It was just her and Merida inside the tube now. Bravery at its best.

It was 11:25.

It was well past 12:30 when we were told to wait it out while they ran through the images to be sure the doctor saw them.

And then it was 12:45, and some time after 1:00 we were taken to another room. Another room with a smaller tube and a stronger magnet – for a few more pictures.

This doctor, this attending, at the hospital reviewed her images, and wanted more. This doctor I will never meet, who is not the radiologist who will read the images, who somehow got called by the tech doing the exam. This doctor wanted more pictures.

So as Meghan laid on her belly in the tiny tube with Merida by her side, she sensed things weren’t quite right. I gave her an abridged version of my inferences.

Then I chuckled at her response.

If something is wrong with my wrist, how will I do the archery we signed up for in Disney?

We will make it work Meg. No worries.

And she laid, quiet and still as could be as 5 minutes became 20 before we were done.

So that’s it? You aren’t going to tell me anything? I asked the tech.

I am not a doctor was the painful reply.

Understanding they can’t, it didn’t help the growing pit in my stomach.

Your doctor will have the results Monday afternoon or Tuesday morning.

Meghan got dressed and I held her up as she limped the 6 blocks to the parking garage, an all too familiar summer scene replaying itself. It was 1:45 PM.

Last night I asked when I was going to get a break.

I take it all back.

BEATING COWDEN’S will require stamina and strength I never imagined I could have.

I will continue at this pace forever, and as I wait for the test results I will be buoyed by the Bravery and Courage of my favorite 9-year-old.

Moving at our OWN pace

Published on July 10, 2013 by beatingcowdensLeave a comment

Two weeks ago today we left for the last day of school. Seems like an eternity, although not a restful one.

Today was the first day I woke up with nowhere to be, and nothing to do. Our first mandatory stop is swim practice at 5:30 PM. So I sit, nursing a cup of green tea, and trying to convince myself, on my health quest, that it is just as good as the caffeinated hot cocoa I have been drinking for years.

This morning I woke when my body told me it was time – somewhere around 8:15. What a blessing to open your eyes because you are ready.

I tended to the garden. I watered my tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, cucumbers, and I even picked a ripe zucchini. I watered the flowers on my deck and I marveled at the calm beauty of the neighborhood at 8:15 on a Wednesday morning.

Not my plant - but you get the idea! — Not my plant – but you get the idea!

Now, to all you teacher critics out there- I recognize ten weeks of unscheduled time is a gift. I understand its not “the norm,” and I AM grateful. But to all you who are realists, I try not to be much of a complainer, but this schedule we are keeping is far from a walk in the park.

Even as I reflect just on yesterday, and then the last week, I can easily find myself overwhelmed.

The rhuematologist confirmed that the Celebrex is necessary. On the up side she said, at least the liver seems to be handling it well. Yep, on the up side I need to worry about my almost 10 year-old’s liver? So we have about a 50/50 split, and that’s just the doctors we like – touting the pros and cons of Celebrex. Take her off. Leave her on.

I love them all, but ultimately the pain decides for us. This child is accustomed to pain so deep that the 20 laps of butterfly she swam Monday – when I expected her to be barely able to lift her arms Tuesday – caused her to need only “an extra stretch.” But the pain in her wrist right now – that can knock her to her knees. Celebrex it is.

So I read articles from the oncologist last week about “angiogenesis” http://childrenshospital.org/newsroom/Site1339/mainpageS1339P356.html

I try to absorb medical jargon about why the Celebrex helps the pain – but doesn’t cure it. And why it may even help prevent the Arteriovenous Malformations (AVM) from flourishing.

I read an article she gave me on “prophylactic thyroidectomy” and its benefits in Cowden’s Syndrome patients.

I read about “Long Chain Fatty Acid deficiency” and heard about the possible need for a muscle biopsy to assess carnitine levels.

I am an educated woman, but I sometimes wonder why I seem to spend more time in medical journals than educational ones. Did I miss my calling somewhere along the line? Probably not, but “necessity is the mother of invention.”

And yesterday as she was examined by the rheumatologist there came the confirmation that the right wrist is “thicker” than the left. A month and 3 days after what we thought was the “injury” to the wrist, it isn’t better. Not really at all. So she said, definitely get an MRI.

We are on it. 11AM Saturday. We already cancelled the birthday party we were going to.

She wants a copy of the report – ASAP. She expects they will find something. I went to make my six month appointment, and she told me to hold off until after the test results.

I look at the piles on my desk. Better since the shredding is over. I glance at the order confirmation for my new driver’s license, and can’t help but wonder where the old one ended up. I look at a beautiful collage Meghan sent to the printer last night as I was working – just to make me smile. I look at the books for the “Teacher Effectiveness Training” I will be attending tomorrow, and the flyer with the itinerary for the Disney trip. Its right alongside the Costco list, and the original copy of the Myriad genetics report that I don’t have BRCA 1 or2. Obviously I still have a little more work to do down here.

Monday I went for my MRI. The one that checks my spleen. Next Tuesday I have the appointment to find out if I can keep it. Already covered the endocrine surgeon, the gyn oncologist, the I just need the breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon, and my oncologist to have their visits. It’s easy to forget that I am even part of this Cowden’s Syndrome mess.

My focus is on the beautiful one with the curly hair, who gives the best hugs in the world. It will be a long week – again. So for today, I will try to slow it down. The sun is shining. It’s July. And we don’t have to go to work OR the doctor today!

Invisible Illness

Published on July 7, 2013July 8, 2013 by beatingcowdens6 Comments

For the last 6 nights my soon to be 10 year- old has slept in between her father and I.

Now I will pause to give you time to gasp, as wave your fingers at me.

I will give you time to self-righteously proclaim that you “know better” than to put your child in your bed, because once you start “that habit” you will never be able to break it.

Go ahead. Tell me its my own fault that I don’t sleep as comfortably as I could with my 5 foot tall 85 pound child bouncing between clinging to my husband and I.

Tell me I should just send her back to her own bed.

And then – when you are done. Come over. Please. I will even make you some coffee – but you will have to settle for fake milk. No need to keep any in a house where a child has a dairy allergy.

When you come over you can watch her for a few minutes. I will let you watch as she winces in pain, and cries out as she bounces around. And that, that is after she actually gets to sleep.

See before she gets to sleep, there is pain. Always some pain. Always. But some nights, or weeks like this one, it is worse than normal.

There are nights, and plenty of them that she sleeps in her own bed. Right through until as late as we will let her. Those are the nights the pain is at its best.

Then there are the nights she needs one of us to rub her in her bed. A knee, a calf, and ankle, an elbow, a shoulder, a wrist, or even a head is keeping her up. Sure, you could say she is exaggerating. Maybe she is acting like any kid who doesn’t want to go to sleep. But Meghan is above many things, a really rotten liar. So, when she hurts – she lets us know. And when she doesn’t it never comes up – end of story.

The worst nights are the ones like this week. The ones where she can’t even get herself comfortable in her own bed. These are the nights she cries not only for the pain, but also for the raw fatigue that keeps her awake when she would rather sleep.

This week there has been pain. Pain in the legs as she adjusts to swim practice, or plays with a friend or two at a play date. There has been pain in the wrist, the pesky wrist injured now since early June. The one that has to have a problem – we just don’t know what it is – yet. The wrist in line for an MRI/MRA has a pulse to it that is reminiscent of the AVM in her knee. But we are trying not to jump the gun.

If you ever do stop by my house in the middle of the night, to see why none of us have any semblance of a normal sleeping pattern, maybe you can bring a warm compress, or strong hands, and help as we massage cramping, painful body parts.

No one knows the Meghan of 2 AM.

Everyone sees the bright smiley face.

Everyone sees the interpersonal child who talks with everyone – who makes them laugh.

Everyone sees the reader, the friend, the kid who likes quiet, and order, and rules, and helping people in need.

The Meghan of 2, or 3 AM disappears with the morning light. She washes her face, brushes her teeth, and puts on the best smile she can to prepare to face the world.

This is the story of life with chronic, invisible illness.

No one knows about the growths on her thyroid, or the insufferable hot flashes she has.

No one knows about the effort it takes her to walk up the stairs, or to sit and play with friends.

No one knows she is slated for 2 more MRIs, a pituitary function test and a pelvic sonogram – and that’s just the next 2 weeks.

No one knows because she doesn’t “look sick.”

And she wouldn’t have it any other way.

She wears her denim ribbon necklace, the one crafted after the Global Genes Project logo – every single day. And she dreams of the day she will look across a room at another little girl wearing one too.

The denim ribbon is the symbol for rare and genetic disorders, and since identifying her own need to have a “symbol” to wear, like my pink ribbon, she saw to it that one was created to be worn around her neck. She chose to have it modeled off the Global Genes Project- an organization that spoke to her heart soon after our Cowden’s Syndrome diagnosis.

We wear them now, my husband, and Meghan, and I – united in our battle. And we hope that one day there will be more.

A denim cause ribbon, crafted after the Global Genes Project's slogan, "Hope it's in our Genes!" — A denim cause ribbon, crafted after the Global Genes Project’s slogan, “Hope it’s in our Genes!”

Next month we will travel to Disney World, as we have for the last 6 years. While we are there Meghan will use a wheelchair.

Recently, when the controversy hit about the misuse of Guest Assistance Passes at Disney, I was sick to my stomach.

You see I have a child with a virtually invisible disability. She can walk, by the grace of God. She can swim. She can function throughout a day – often with insufferable pain at night.

But what she can not do is walk for long distances. Ever. Regardless of the footwear – no matter how hard we try to prepare. She just can’t.

We took her out of soccer because of the impact. We took her out of dance for the same reason. Now she swims, and even with that sometimes the muscle pain is difficult to bear.

So it is especially tricky for us at a park that necessitates walking and standing. Sometimes she can stretch her legs. Usually she can cover about a half mile on foot. Then she needs to rest. If she pushes too hard on day 1, by day 4 we might as well be back home.

She spent her birthday one year in tears, pleading with me – in the middle of EPCOT that she would go home “RIGHT NOW IF YOU COULD MAKE THE PAIN STOP.” That was the day after we let her walk 50% of the day before.

She hates being confined. She would rather walk. She looks like she should be walking. But she can’t be. Bottom line.

So as I said earlier, those of you who want to judge me for rubbing my child’s sore and aching body so she can rest – feel free. As long as we breathe she will be able to seek comfort in the arms of her mother and father.

And when you see me pushing her around Walt Disney World, I know there are the lowlives out there who abuse the policy, but before you assume that my “normal looking” child is one of them, ask yourself if you have ever met anyone with an invisible illness.

Ask yourself how many children, when given the opportunity, would rather navigate the happiest place on earth from the confines of a chair. Sure we all need a rest some time. But she’d rather have it on a bench. And while we are at it – she would rather be having an ice cream cone like the other kids too.

Just because I teach my child to go through life with her head held high. Just because I teach her to push through pain. Just because I teach her to smile at adversity and to be kind to judgmental strangers- that doesn’t mean she doesn’t hurt. None of that invalidates the 4 surgeries for the AVM in her knee, the thyroid biopsies, the constant scans, the issues yet to be uncovered.

My child knows patience. She knows how to wait. And she does it all year at countless doctors, and invasive lab tests, with grace, and poise and dignity.

So, before you forget what invisible illness looks like- look here. We are too busy BEATING COWDEN’S to acknowledge the judgmental. We teach our daughter to love and forgive. She has too much stress in her life to harbor any anger. We learn our best qualities from her.

Overwhelmed

Published on July 4, 2013July 4, 2013 by beatingcowdens1 Comment

Yep. Totally and completely overwhelmed.

I know I am not the only one. But I think sometimes the first step is admitting it.

Maybe it was overzealous to try to synchronize mine and Meghan’s 6 month follow-up appointments to coincide with the first 2 weeks in July and the February break.

My initial attempt scheduled 12 doctors , plus one MRI and one sonogram between June 27th and July 16th, (for both of us combined.)

It has mushroomed to include a Pituitary Stimulation Test and another ultrasound, 2 more MRIs yet to be scheduled, a possible muscle biopsy – pending a conversation between 2 specialists, a full day of work for me one day next week, Physical therapy 1-2x a week as we can fit it, 3 nights a week of swim practice, and 2 dentist appointments (that I PRAY don’t need follow-up!)

So, I waffle in between resenting the loss of my summer, and being grateful that I have July to get all this done.

The entire month of June I salivated for July. I couldn’t wait for schedule free days. Now I am frantically overtaxing my shredder as I organize all the tasks I label for “summer,” during the year. The July calendar makes me nauseous. Literally.

I mean we might have gotten bored eventually, but we have barely been near the pool. I say bring on the boredom.

Most of our appointments are in Manhattan. That can be a 45 minute trip or a 2.5 hour trip – depending on… well, the humidity? day of the week? air pressure? There is ABSOLUTELY no predicting.

We could take the bus. But that often involves the need for the subway, which I won’t do with Meghan, and lots of walking, which honestly she can’t do. So, we drive, fill the car with gas, head over a bridge and through a tunnel to a carefully pre-selected parking garage.

And, since there is no predicting, there is always a meal to pack. Never want to be caught off guard with a hungry Gluten, Dairy, Soy allergic kid.

Sometimes we are on time. Sometimes we are late. Always we wait, and wait.

Meghan is the most well-behaved child. I don’t lie because there is no need. I am sure she was a gift to me – while we can at times butt heads, her personality allows her to pack a book, her iPad, or something, and sit. For hours and hours. I couldn’t pull this off if she was any other way.

But, I don’t know if I would have a choice. There is no traveling to Manhattan at 4 pm, on a school night. It just can’t be for either of us. So we do what we must.

Today, before 8AM she was in the park, running the “fun run” of a local race that has been dedicated to our “Angel Meghan” for over 20 years. She ran for a quarter-mile – 2 and a half minutes, came in a close 2nd, and has been nursing her knees ever since.

I am in the basement, shredding, and writing while I wait for my overworked shredder to cool. Trying to get a few things off the “to do” list.

My head is constantly going – processing new information learned this week. Thinking. Asking. Wondering. Worrying.

Today is a good day. Daddy is home. The ultimate distraction for her.

We had a long talk this morning, me and my girl. I tried to push her to reach out to some friends. To go and be carefree like she should be. Even if its only for a while. Everyone has something we reminded each other.

I still can’t shake my need for order. I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me my obsession with a clean house is tied to the inability to control much else in my life.

Cowden’s Syndrome – our curse, and our blessing. Sucking away hours that should be spent on the beach or in camp. Forcing a little love to grow up way too fast. Torn between my guilt that this mutation came from me, and my gratitude that she saved my life.

I lost my driver’s license today. Just the license. It fell out of my pocket. For $17.50 I ordered a new one on-line. Here’s to hoping that whoever tries to be me has a strong stomach, and a decent amount of stamina. They don’t know what they are up against.

The beach… and all her other plans – I will do my best.

Just trying to get by one day at a time.

This one is a favorite of a dear internet friend :-) — This one is a favorite of a dear internet friend 🙂

The thought for the day... — The thought for the day…

You Can’t Have a Rainbow Without a Little Rain

Published on June 28, 2013June 29, 2013 by beatingcowdens6 Comments

As a young child a can remember hearing stories of rainbows in Sunday School.

This week I needed lots of reminders that I am not alone. God keeps His promises.

Yesterday we saw Endocrinology at MSKCC in NYC. They spent an hour and ten minutes preforming a detailed sonogram of Meghan’s thyroid. She was an angel – calm and patient. I watched the whole thing, uncomfortable with how much I am able to see on an ultrasound now. The things we learn through repetition.

It was obvious to me that the many nodules – well over 10 – are still there. At least three are quite large. I watched as they were measured, and my “numbers” brain frantically tried to recall the stats from December that had led us to January’s biopsy.

We spent an hour waiting on the ninth floor, the pediatric cancer unit. And as I have said before, and I will say again, if you ever need to count your blessings, I mean truly count them, I strongly suggest you swing by there.

Meghan played on her iPad as I watched. Chemo pumps beeping. Children from 2 to 20, some seasoned veterans, some terrified newcomers, attached as the poison to kill the evil cells drips into their body. Some sleeping, some resting, some running. And their parents. Dark eyes. Worry. Terror. Fake smiles. Bitten up coffee cups. “Count your many blessings count them one by one…”

“Mom, I am not scared of thyroid cancer. I am only scared if they don’t catch it early enough.” I knew what she meant. She went back to playing.

In the doctor’s office there was a moment for us to be relieved, kind of. The nodules are slightly larger, but are growing slowly. They are still in that same “precancerous” state, but we are not in imminent danger. No biopsy right now. We get at least another 6 months out of the thyroid.

Then there were the other conversations. The ones about hormone levels that won’t regulate on lab work. The MRI that showed a pituitary “diminutive in size.” The inconsistencies of these tests with her current development. The statement from the endocrinologist that this lab test (having already been repeated 4 times,) “defies human physiology.”

Yeah, and…

So he drew the labs again. This time at “his” lab. And a thyroid panel, and a few other things.

He’ll call me Monday. Then I will find out more about “human physiology.”

At swim practice last night I met a mom. She has an only child too, just about Meghan’s age. And she is BRCA positive. So, after a day of doctors, somehow we were placed in each other’s path last night. And, I had conversations with a virtual stranger that I probably haven’t had with some of my closest friends. There are no coincidences. Of this I am sure.

And this morning – barely able to move from stress and fatigue, salivating for a day of “vacation,” we dragged ourselves out of bed again.

I packed the bags – always bringing lunch and a few snacks, and we headed out – a little later than I wanted. As I crossed the bridge I had the sinking feeling that I didn’t have my wallet. Back across the bridge. Back home. Back out. An accident on the FDR assured me that I couldn’t use the $14 parking coupon I had printed. Into the $42 lot we went. We made it into the office at 10:03.

The vascular surgeon is uptown. He has been inside of Meghan’s knee 4 times, so he knows her well. This time we had less overall pain to report. But, of course he never felt the pain was connected to the AVM anyway. So I recounted tales from her PT evaluator, and her swim instructor about how difficult it is for her to run without limping, or to push off to start a race from the block I had his attention. The legs have different girth. The left is undoubtedly stronger then the right, having been spared the AVM. Do you take her for PT he asked? Um… constantly.

Fortunately we love Dr. Jill!

We took her out of soccer and dance and put her in swimming. There isn’t much else we can do.

Oh, and could you look at her wrist? The one she hurt at the school carnival almost 4 weeks ago. She was victorious at her quest to climb the rock wall. Stubborn, competitive child. But has paid the price since.

For a few days I told her to suck it up. I admit it. But it kept going. Knowing Meghan as I do, she will keep me abreast of every pain – but the SECOND it stops, its like it never happened. This one wasn’t quitting. Dr. Jill helped us. We tried a brace. Then another one. Then no brace. No better.

So as I watched the doctor manipulate her wrist I couldn’t help but remember my frustration the day after the carnival, when all of her friends walked around unscathed, and she suffered terribly with pain all over. I remember thinking how cruel it was that she had to make a conscious decision to suffer in agony the next day – if she wanted to keep up with her friends.

He examined it for what seemed like forever. Then he asked me who my orthopedist was. I laughed out loud. The one subspecialty we have NOT found – is pediatric orthopedics. So he asked if she had a rheumatologist. I said we were headed there July 9th. He said try to move it up, and call him after I saw her. She needs and MRI of that wrist.

“I don’t think it’s vascular…” And after that we will get one of the knee – just to be safe.

There went two more days off the summer calendar.

40 blocks away was the geneticist. He is the one we credit with saving my life. And I credit the angels with placing him in our path two years ago.

We spoke at length. He has more questions. More research. He has a theory. He will call me. He will send me the articles. The conversation lasted an hour. He is brilliant.

She hugged him and told him she wants to be a geneticist. We have a friend for life.

The people training on the new teacher evaluation system in NYC frequently declare “This is going to create more questions than answers.” I don’t know why I find the system to be perplexing. I should be used to it by now.

It rained tonight. Thundershowers. They have been happening a lot lately. Maybe I need a lot of reminding. The rainbows are there. The promise remains. Nothing happens by accident. God’s timing is perfect.

History – Where it all began

Published on May 1, 2013 by beatingcowdensLeave a comment

Yep. That’s what it is. It’s history. The story of our lives for the past year. It started in a small blog I shared only with a few friends. It blossomed into a WordPress blog with 50 followers, and a Facebook group with over 225.

I am humbled really – that anyone is even interested in our story.

I am grateful and excited for what we are doing to raise awareness of rare diseases like our Cowden’s Syndrome.

I wrote my very first blog post on May 9th of 2012.

Very few of you were with me then – but this is where it all began.

For the next two weeks I plan to “replay” some of my favorite/most informative blogs from the early days.

Hope my nostalgia doesn’t drive anyone away!

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW FOR A TRIP BACK TO MAY OF 2012!

https://beatingcowdens.com/2012/05/09/

Maybe…

Published on April 10, 2013 by beatingcowdens2 Comments

And that is what we took.

Stuck in a corner – a stifling corner, with anxiety, and all of its evil friends – we decided to break free.

And I can not think of a better thing we could have done.

Today was Meghan’s 3rd full day at her new school, and while she misses her friends – she is adjusting beautifully to the welcoming students and professionals that have greeted her.

She received an outstanding foundation at her old school – teachers who worked alongside her right up until we made the move last week. She received a foundation from them that will allow her to soar here.

I am eternally grateful.

But there is a time for moving on.

Sometimes it happens neatly at the end of 5th grade. And sometimes it happens before that. This was her time.

Which shouldn’t surprise anyone because nothing really seems to be wrapped up in a neat little organized package – not in life, and certainly not in Cowden’s Syndrome.

She changed schools, but the Syndrome stays. And sometimes that’s a hard reality to swallow.

See she is so excited to meet new children, and to run and play and socialize – we hoped that maybe the release of tension would eliminate the pain. It took a few days for the pain to catch up. But, it moved too. It lives with her – no matter what school. Although I am convinced it is less than it was.

Stress is evil. Tension is its nasty twin. The conbination wreaked havoc on her already struggling body.

Now, there is much less stress and tension, but there is still pain. A knot in the hip that doesn’t want to quit is pestering her still. And while I am grateful that the tolerance is higher, I am not sure if the pain is any less.

Any time an injury lingers, or a pain persists for more than 2 weeks – even if it is intermittent – we have to ask ourselves if it is time to go for imaging.

Xrays are not good for Cowden’s Syndrome. Radiation can send our sensitive cells into a tailspin. And the alternative – MRIs, are taxing – on everyone. But how long do you wait for a pain to go away when you have a syndrome that provokes tumor growth? How do you know what is the right time?

We scheduled the summer appointments. I was hoping to wait until then for all the check ups and tests.

Somehow, I suspect we will have to see someone a bit sooner.

But, I am stalling. Maybe the happiness will cure it.

Maybe swim season – her first ever competitive sport she ADORES – will straighten it out.

Maybe.. just maybe… we won’t have to add one more confused doctor to the list of clueless professionals who don’t know how to help us anyway.

Maybe… her blood results from Dr. Elice will come in this week, and maybe there will be an answer or two.

Maybe…

Maybe I will just go fill up my wine glass again.

Happy Birthday to my boobs!

Published on March 4, 2013March 4, 2013 by beatingcowdens12 Comments

Remember where you were a year ago?

I do.

A year ago this evening I was pacing the floors. Making sure Meghan was packed for school. Triple checking my hospital bag. Planning my last meal by midnight, and pacing the floors – quite sure I wouldn’t sleep.

I was right.

I hadn’t arrived at that moment in my life by accident. It was the result of years of breast biopsies for suspicious masses. MRIs, sonograms, mammograms – and a mother who was a bilateral breast cancer survivor. Not to mention my diagnosis of Cowden’s Syndrome that had been confirmed only months before I met the warm, caring, and decisive surgeon that was about to remove part of my body. Don’t wait till the summer – she somehow convinced me. March 5th. Get it done.

One year ago, on the morning of March 5th 2012, after vomiting repeatedly from terror, my husband and I left and headed to NYU hospital for my “prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.”

We checked in by 6 AM. I can remember every detail of the morning. It is imprinted in my subconsciousness. It may fade over time – but for now…

My brother in law called my cell phone by six. We prayed together. Then, I just focused on breathing.

Checking in takes forever. Everyone stopping in. Lots of waiting. I paced that small room so many times I swear my footprints are probably still there.

And my husband – my pillar of strength – just waited with me. When I wanted him to pay attention – he stopped and held my hand. When I wanted him to ignore me, he dutifully read comics on his iphone. I would not have wanted to be him.

I had to explain to the resident filling out the paper that I was not having “tissue expanders” put in. Well this was not an easy concept for him. Apparently that is just what everyone does. The expanders are placed during the mastectomy, and then “filled” until the tissue expands to the size you would like, and then the silicone is placed.

Well I had already had a long talk with my plastic surgeon. I had no desire to have giant boobs. Nope. I was sure.

She can keep her award... — She can keep her award…

At 38 years old, and the mother of a nervous 8 year old, all I wanted was to leave the hospital and not have to return for another surgery. (The sweet irony of that wasn’t realized until I returned 10 weeks later for my hysterectomy… but anyway)

I had convinced the plastic surgeon to use whatever silicone implant she could – and put them right in. After a lengthy discussion, she agreed. It was more important for me to get right home to Meghan.

This resident was having a hard time wrapping his head around this, but finally we got the papers right. They were to put in whatever one of these fit best – preferably a matched pair.

Finally it was time to head to the operating room.

I have had lots and lots of surgeries, but the thought that I was engaging in such a major procedure “prophylactic-ally” was literally making me weak at the knees. Fortunately I managed to hook up with an absolutely awesome surgeon/plastic surgeon team. Two women who are talented, compassionate, and understanding. They gave me the peace of mind I needed right before the anesthesia. The last words I recall before I woke up – “You’re doing the right thing.”

They expected a “clean easy procedure.” After all I had had an MRI just a month prior to confirm I was cancer free.

Recovery from anesthesia isn’t my forte, although I have improved with experience. I got to visit with my sister, and enjoy my husband.

The peace I felt after this surgery can not be understated. I was so relieved. The storm had been calmed. It was done.

I left the hospital about 28 hours later on March 6th. I couldn’t wait to see my girl. The drains were still in place and they would stay for another week, but the hardest of the hard work was done.

So, on March 5th – my boobs are officially a year old. At least that’s the day I adopted them.

And what a year it has been.

A week after my “prophylactic” mastectomy, I held in my hands a pathology report that clearly stated I had DCIS – early stage Breast Cancer. Among the other “precancerous” conditions embedded in that report was the reality that I no longer had to be concerned with the “what if?” It was done. I was OK. By the Grace of God alone – the cancer was out before it was ever a problem. And, whenever I doubt, or get angry or frustrated by our Cowden’s Syndrome journey, I am reminded of that moment. Without Meghan, and without her diagnosis. I would have never proceeded with such an aggressive surgery. God gave me my little girl, and spared my life. We will use that gift as often as we can.

The weeks of recovery went smoothly, with lots of help from mom.

And then it seemed – no sooner was I back at work, that I was being told by another surgeon that I NEEDED a complete hysterectomy – now. So, in May we went back. This time at least everything was benign.

This is the year that included 2 surgeries for Mom and a thyroid biopsy for Meghan. It included a car accident that I am still healing from. (And the very first thing I checked after I realized I had been in an accident was that my silicone was intact!)

It included Grandma’s fall, and ongoing recovery.

It included circumstances that caused me to step away from my church, and blessings that led me to a new one.

This year I laughed deep laughs, and I cried gut wrenching tears. I got re-acquainted with old friends, and I met new friends in support groups online.

This year I learned there are some benefits to small silicone boobs… (with no nipples!) I got to go bra-less for the first time in YEARS!

This year we vowed to make a difference,

This year we gave out over 2,000 denim ribbons, and taught a whole lot of people about Cowden’s Syndrome and Rare Diseases, and the Global Genes Project.

This year was only the beginning of the rest of our lives.

One year without my old boobs. One year with the new and improved CANCER FREE version. One year of countless blessings. One year of boobs that will never sag!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BOOBS!

Don’t talk about my boobs unless you’ve walked in my shoes

Published on January 27, 2013January 27, 2013 by beatingcowdens19 Comments

“Breast cancer becomes very emotional for people, and they view a breast differently than an arm or a required body part that you use every day,” said Sarah T. Hawley, an associate professor of internal medicine at the University of Michigan. “Women feel like it’s a body part over which they totally have a choice, and they say, ‘I want to put this behind me — I don’t want to worry about it anymore.’ ”

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/21/facing-cancer-a-stark-choice/

The quote above is the last paragraph from a New York Times article published January 21st. I first read about it here in this blog

Preventative mastectomies under fire

And I must agree with “The Pink Underbelly” as my blood is boiling a bit.

I underwent a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy on March 5, 2012. I had been diagnosed with Cowden’s Syndrome, alongside my 8 year old daughter, just months before. I was presented, in January of 2012 with an article putting my lifetime breast cancer risk somewhere around 85%. Cowden’s Syndrome, as you all know – but I doubt the author of this article knew, is a rare genetic disorder with a 1 in 200,000 occurrence. It is a mutation on the PTEN (Tumor Suppressor) gene and causes benign and malignant tumors all over the body – with the hot spots being the breasts, uterus, and thyroid.

I made an informed decision to undergo that mastectomy. It was not a decision reached lightly. My mom is a BILATERAL breast cancer survivor, and even though she does not carry my genetic mutation, I will always believe that her decision for a complete mastectomy is the reason she is with us today – the reason she ever got to meet her grandchildren.

That doesn’t even get me started on the fact that my “prophylactic” mastectomy revealed DCIS – stage 1, a centimeter of cancer in the left breast. Yes, it was contained. No, it hadn’t spread. Yes, I was fortunate, and NO, it WAS NOT the breast that had seen 7 biopsies in the 12 years prior. This one had never been touched. And, the MRI weeks earlier did not pick up the DCIS. So, my informed decision. My smart surgeon. My gifted plastic surgeon. My husband’s support. The support of my boss. The sick days donated from a friend. My raw nerve. My desire to be there for my little girl for years and years to come. The Grace of God. All these things saved my life.

So, I get a little twisted when people infer, and imply that these are decisions made lightly. That women are just randomly having their breasts cut off. This was not a trip to Hawaii. This was not a walk in the park. This was major league, life altering, body changing surgery. There is not a woman I know, who makes this decision without intense scrutiny and research. And, thanks to this blog, and my online support group. I have “met” many of them.

This article says

“We are confronting almost an epidemic of prophylactic mastectomy,” said Dr. Isabelle Bedrosian, a surgical oncologist at M. D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. “I think the medical community has taken notice. We don’t have data that say oncologically this is a necessity, so why are women making this choice?”

EPIDEMIC- affecting or tending to affect a disproportionately large number of individuals within a population, community, or region at the same time <typhoid was epidemic>

Really?

and WHY?

Why not ask us?

Why not ask those of us that have lost mothers and grandmothers and sisters to genetic mutations?

Why not ask those of us who have had countless mamorgrams, MRIs and biopsies, with “suspicious” pathology?

Why not ask us, who have done the research, or read the research on diseases you haven’t even heard of?

Why not ask those of us who, facing our imminent cancer risks, have made a choice to LIVE?

So the article says:

“You’re not going to find other organs that people cut out of their bodies because they’re worried about disease,” said the medical historian Dr. Barron H. Lerner, author of “The Breast Cancer Wars” (2001). “Because breast cancer is a disease that is so emotionally charged and gets so much attention, I think at times women feel almost obligated to be as proactive as possible — that’s the culture of breast cancer.”

Damned right Barron. Proactive. We have kids to raise. Spouses to celebrate life with. Memories to make. Tears to dry. Hands to hold. Lives to live.

Emotionally charged? You bet.

Come by.

We’ll have some coffee.

Then I will tell you about my prophylactic hysterectomy. Reccomended by a top surgeon at NYU. Ten weeks after my mastectomy. Not an easy choice. Certainly not one made on emotion.

Logic. Try logic. And gratitude that the tools exist, and the surgeons exist that are willing to save our lives.

Don’t talk about my boobs until you have walked in my shoes!

One step at a time

Published on January 9, 2013 by beatingcowdens14 Comments

Tonight, we celebrate the small victories because we are fully aware how important the little things are.

I get to keep my spleen for 6 more months. (And maybe even longer!)

The surgeon said that the hamartomas are there. They are large, but they are stable. Stable is a nice word. So, because they are stable it implies they are benign. This is another nice word. The game becomes seeing if they remain stable. So, in 6 months I will have another MRI. If they have changed – it comes out. If they haven’t we can continue to talk about keeping it.

Makes me wonder when keeping our organs became cause for celebration.

That is definitely in the “Post Cowden’s Syndrome” world.

You know I have wondered on and off how you actually “beat” Cowden’s. Is it by coming through with the most organs still intact and cancer free? This is such a strange, relentless disease. It’s research, while still in its infancy is coming. But, I have to wonder how much more they will know a year, or 10 years from now. And, whether I will like any of it.

We are waiting. And we know that we are not alone. We are waiting for Meghan’s results, and its nail biting, agonizing waiting. But, Felix and I talked tonight and wondered what news would make us happy. There was no easy answer.

See, last year – January actually – when we transferred the slides from her November 2011 biopsy to Sloan Kettering, the endocrinologist whose team reviewed the slides told us the cells were precancerous. They had scored a 3 out of 5 on some scale they use. He told us they would turn. We just couldn’t predict when.

So, in June when he called and said he wasn’t thrilled with this nodule (one of many) on the left side we were anxious. But he said, having reviewed her sonogram she could wait 6 more months to be scanned again.

So, here we are 6 months later. Tomorrow will mark an agonizing 2 weeks since we went for this sonogram. Waiting. Worrying. Wondering.

When they tell you its “when,” not “if,” it changes things. No matter what they tell us there will be an anxious, uneasy feeling attached.

This is the game with Cowden’s Syndrome. It’s almost like a time warp. A terrible cycle of wait, test, worry, results… Wait 6 months and repeat.

Six months seems to be all you really get. Well, now what I have lost a few organs, I get a year on those follow ups. But everything else is 6 months. For both of us.

I tried to sync them up. So that maybe the worry wouldn’t seem continuous. But it hasn’t worked yet.

I try not to think too far ahead. You know what Mom says about planning anyway.

And to think about this in constant 6 month cycles, well… forever. It’s a little too much to manage sometimes.