Scars…

There are days I forget.

I forget that it’s not just Meghan, but also me with this rare disease.

As a matter of fact, it’s actually uncommon for me to remember.

Maybe it’s survival.  Maybe it’s maternal instinct.  Maybe it’s denial.  Maybe it’s some combination.

But then there are days that it smacks me right across the face.  And it stings, no, actually it’s more like a scalding burn.

I post mostly about Meghan.  She’s my hero.  She’s my inspiration. She motivates me to be a better person, every day.  But,  if I really want this blog to be transparent, and I really want the truth about our experience living with and beating Cowden’s Syndrome to be out there, sometimes I have to allow my own inner self to be exposed. 

I feel good.  I really do.  Aside from a little lag from my thyroid, I am feeling better and stronger than I have in years.

But there are the scars.  They hide behind my clothes like a little secret.  Cause people forget.  And that’s what I want, because most of the time I forget too.

scar2

But then I look in the mirror, and I see the scars across the implants replacing the diseased breasts removed in the nick of time.  And my shirt doesn’t sit quite right.  And it’s probably my own fault, as I refused the tissue expanders necessary for a proper reconstruction.  I didn’t have the time, or the energy, or the desire, or the stamina to put myself through the frequent fills, the repeated pain, and the additional surgery necessary for the sizes to be equal.  It just wasn’t worth it to disrupt our lives longer.

I saw the plastic surgeon last week.  My two-year follow-up.  Hard to imagine.  She gently reminded me again that she could even things out whenever I was ready.  No cost thanks to the positive pathology for breast cancer, and the genetic mutation.  No monetary cost.  I’m not ready.  Yet.

I saw the breast surgeon last week too.  I see her every 6 months, so she can make sure nothing sinister is growing behind those implants.  The reality and the reminder that as fortunate as I was – I still had breast cancer.   And once you know for sure that those malignant cells had life in your body, you never look at things quite the same.  “No lumps or bumps,” she happily reported.  “See you in 6 months.”

I can’t wait.

scar 3

And there are the lymph nodes in my neck.  They were checked last week too.  Sonogram.  As long as they stay stable, we can leave them alone.  “But, if they grow…” she reminds me every time.  Six months for her too.

And my legs.  Fitting into the smallest size they have ever in my life the veins are protruding again.  The PTEN diagnosis, known for enhancing vascular issues, perhaps the explanation for the vascular problems that have caused 2 operating room visits and 5 in office procedures since I was 23.  But, it doesn’t really matter I guess.  The legs start with a familiar heaviness.  Then there is the throbbing.  The last thing I feel before bed, and the first thing I feel after the alarm gets shut down.  And the pulsing – like I can feel the blood moving the wrong way through the broken veins.  And the giant bulging, from groin to ankle, that makes it a little less fun to buy the shorts in a size 2.  I switch to “Bermuda” length and some sundresses.  I wait for the word that GHI has approved another vascular procedure.

Not to mention I saw the GYN Oncologist too.  Everything ramped up a notch with the “Cowden’s Syndrome” label.  There are no “regular” visits anymore.  Even with that benign pathology, it’s a forever commitment to the “Clinical Cancer Center” of the hospital.  Two years since the hysterectomy too.  Time marches on. You can barely see the scars from the laproscopy.  But I know they are there too.  A few inches under the implant scars.  Reminders of the year that changed my life.  Our lives.

The week finished with genetics.  Our geneticist – found by an incidental internet search at the recommendation of our physical therapist, is a gem of a man.  He greeted me with a hug and a smile, and exclaimed that I looked better than I did at my diagnosis.  Then he drew my blood.  More genetic testing.  This time not because of the Cowden’s Syndrome.  This time, it is to fulfill the wishes of my father.  Wrapping up a genetic counseling visit I completed in April, and after consent was received from GHI, the vial of blood was drawn to test for the markers for pancreatic cancer, the killer of my father, and paternal grandfather, as well as about 15 other markers I probably don’t want to know about.  We both said a silent prayer that the test yielded a whole lot of nothing.  We hugged again.  It’ll be about 6 weeks.

So this morning my shirt didn’t fit quite right.  The indentation on the right side was causing the shirt to fit lopsided.  And the vein bulging out of my right leg, especially just above the knee was a little too much for me to take.  I struggled with my tears, trying desperately to hide them from my extraordinarily observant soon- to- be -11 year-old.

This is the reality she knows we share.  Yet, I want so badly to help her maintain some of her youth.  Worry free innocence taken with the words, “You have a mutation on the PTEN gene…” and years of her own surgeries have stripped her of some of the privileges given only to the young.  There is something about 11 surgeries with no real end in sight, that can leave you a bit anxious.

scar 5

It only took a minute.  Although it seemed longer.  A hug from my husband.  My ever patient, loving soul mate, who makes me feel beautiful just by the smile in his eyes when we kiss.  And it was time to shake it off.

 

But not without first acknowledging that maybe that was quite a few appointments for a week’s time..

When we got in the car to head to the doctor, the Christian station was playing one of my favorite songs, “Fix My Eyes,” by For King & Country.

There are no coincidences.

And as we sang along, I looked in the rear-view mirror.

“Fix My Eyes”

“Hit rewind
Click delete
Stand face to face with the younger me
All of the mistakes
All of the heartbreak
Here’s what I’d do differently
I’d love like I’m not scared
Give when it’s not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on youI learned the lines and talked the talk (everybody knows that, everybody knows that)
But the road less traveled is hard to walk (everybody knows that, everybody knows)
It takes a soldier
Who knows his orders
To walk the walk I’m supposed to walkAnd love like I’m not scared
Give when it’s not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you….”

Click the image to hear the song…

We spent Friday looking for sites for a fund-raiser for “Rare Disease Day 2015.”  We met a lovely woman who was surprised we weren’t raising money for us specifically.  We explained that we were grateful.  I feel well enough to work.  We have good medical coverage. There are so many not as fortunate.
scar 1
When it gets to be too much, I know to fix my eyes on things far beyond the mirror.  I have a greater purpose right in my own house.  And WE have a greater purpose.

We are BEATINGCOWDENS… together!

Snow Boots

The winter boots are still in the closet.

It’s June 12th.

Actually Meghan’s room has a basket of winter boots that are not only off-season, but are too small for her.

It’s June 12th, and that is definitely a new record for me.

june12

In my old life clothes got changed systematically in April, and early October.  Jackets got washed, shoes got put away.

That was my old life.  I don’t remember it much.

I don’t really have a big closet.  The spring shoes are upstairs in the hallway.  All over the floor.  I’ve been getting one pair at a time as I need them, but if I don’t hurry and make the switch soon winter shoes will take over my bedroom floor.

Thankfully, Mother Nature seems confused about the season.  That is buying me some time.

Mother-Nature

In my old life, nothing was really on the floor – ever.

We went to the doctor today.  Shocking news really, I know.

We went to the doctor today in hopes of replacing the endocrinologist with someone more open-minded, and “outside the box.”

EPIC FAIL.

What we got instead was a closed box, closed-minded,”I won’t take on your kid, so stay where you are” doctor, in a really bad suit.  (And I’m not much about fashion – so you know it was a REALLY bad suit.)

I had lots of time to look at her, and the suit while I used my hand to keep my mouth from spilling out my actual thoughts and embarrassing my daughter.

I brought the 3 page synopsis of tests, hospitalizations, and medications.

I brought the 3 INCH binder full of lab tests and pathology reports.

I brought the CD of the neck sonogram.

She glanced at her most recent blood work.  She told me her TSH was too high.  She told me she needed more Synthroid.  She told me her current team was just fine.  Then she told me twice they were better suited to treat a Cowden’s Syndrome patient than she.  Feel like a leper much?

I asked all sorts of questions.  I asked about T3, and potential problems with synthetic absorption.  I reminded her that in addition to PTEN she has an MTHFR mutation which impacts her ability to process B12.  I asked if there could be anything else she has trouble processing. (Hint Hint… synthetic thyroid hormone?)

“You’re very smart,” she tells me.  “You know a lot,” she says.  Yet, she deflects my questions like a goalie with a hockey puck.

Hockey-Stick-and-Puck-Photographic-Print-C11950881

News flash.  I don’t need stroking – just answers.

But I watch my tongue.  And I watch my tone, because my daughter is watching my every move, my body language, my attitude.  She is using my response to gauge whether she needs to be uptight.

I asked what was the upper limit for synthroid.  I was told there was none.  I was told that the dose would just continue to be increased.  I was told she would likely reach .200 mcg.  I expressed concern.  I was told not to worry.  The body only absorbs a percentage of the synthetics.  Um, that would be the point of my worry.  She doesn’t have a good history of secreting junk.

I got a lesson on the pituitary and the up and down regulation of TSH.  I was told when to dose the medicine.  I reminded her I have been on thyroid replacement for 27 years.

She asked me if she had answered all my questions.  In my old life I might have politely said, “yes.”  But, this is not my old life.  I smiled, shook her hand, and said “No, actually you didn’t, but I don’t think you know the answers.”  Then we left.

In my old life things were neater, and more orderly in every aspect.  Sometimes I miss the order.  But not for long.  There is nothing orderly about this kid, except her behavior (98% of the time,) and I am learning to embrace the chaos.

She woke this morning feeling like real crap.  Exhausted from swim practice (she made it almost through) and fifth grade trip yesterday.  She hurts.  She is mellow.  She has fun with the kids, but she’s not herself.

Maybe it will just take time, but hours and weeks and months of childhood seem to be ticking away.

I pushed her today to start making dates with friends for the summer.  Her friend’s parents must think I am weird.

It’s as important, or MORE important to plan pay time as it is to plan doctor’s appointments – for so many reasons.  And since we have so many appointments, I want to start with the friend time – NOW.

We live in the middle of New York City.  One would think finding pediatric endocrinology in the mood for a challenge would be much simpler than this.  Instead I am left to return to the surgeon on Monday, so he can validate himself by telling me he doesn’t feel anything in her neck.  And then, back to see the resident of her endocrinologist in July.  (The actual doctor takes off February, July and August – so he has yet to see her since the surgery.)

Life is not ours to plan.  But, we have to try to schedule the fun stuff before the days get away.

We RSVP while holding our breath.

There is more “One day at a time…” than I have ever known.

one day at a time

Maybe there will be some time to get those snow boots away.  In the mean time, if you do stop by- don’t judge the hallway.  Or the closet.  Or the dog fur.

I took a walk yesterday, and another one today.  I listened to music.  It’s a slow process, but I am working on my emotional health.

It seems to be the only thing I can control.

I am working on those foundation stones for Meghan’s bridge.

And in the mean time, if you happen to need any snow boots – I can get them for you in a hurry.  I know exactly where they are.

snow boots2

 

 

State of Mind – Part 2

There is something about sitting in a room full of pediatric cancer patients that numbs you, amazes you, and astounds you all at the same time.

There was a time when the little superheroes, the miracles walking around us, and the significance of it all may have gotten past Meghan.

superheroes

She is older now.  More weathered at 10 than she should be.  She misses nothing.  And to a child who has heard the word “cancer” spoken to her, around her, and beside her, her entire young life, she is acutely aware of its presence in the world.

With Cowden’s Syndrome comes cancer conversations.  Is a little fancier when you describe a “PTEN mutation, as causing benign and malignant tumor growth,” but the meaning is the same.

Anyone can get cancer.  At any time.  And certainly it’s almost unlikely that any of the children we saw today have our “Cowden’s Syndrome”

However since Cowden’s Syndrome, and cancer become so closely married – it is hard to consider one without the other, and days like today are especially draining on both of us.

We left the house at 8AM, and sat in traffic before arriving at our destination, (a route Google Maps tells me is 20.5 miles)at 9:40 – 10 minutes late for our appointment.  We then sat a good deal more, until almost 10:40, with plenty (read way too much) time to observe.

The facility is clean, and neat and tries to be festive.  Children were celebrating Cinco de Mao among chemo pumps, bald heads and IVs.  I watch and try to think nothing.  Because it is fortunately IMPOSSIBLE for me to know how they feel, or what they are going through.  But, an adjacent conversation involving a thin, beautiful, bald 5th grade girl and her dress for the dance was difficult to avoid completely.

We were met with the familiar and friendly surgeon who wasted little time before examining Meghan’s neck.  He felt and thought and asked questions.  “Has she been sick, any fever, trouble eating…?

“No, no, no.”

“Well, I don’t think there is a problem.  I think it is probably OK.  But just to be sure we’ll have you come back in 2 weeks.  If it’s not gone we will scan it then.  Oh, and you should see why her salivary gland is enlarged.  It’s not just the lymph node.”

“With whom would I check that?  Because for 6 months I have been talking about incessant throat clearing and all I get are theories.  The last ENT told me to see a GI.  Have you ever heard them laugh when you bring in a 5 foot 2 100 pound 10-year-old?  I have.  Any suggestions?”

Silence.

“Ok then, we will get you set up with an appointment 2 weeks from today.”

I had come in hoping for an all clear, or perhaps a 3 month review.  2 weeks had its pros and cons, and Meghan and I weighed them, silently and independently as we headed back to the elevator.

We arrived home at 12:20.  Four and a half hours.  Insanity.

This afternoon I was stressed.  Over nonsense.  When I am anxious I have an incredible need to control nonsense.  I have been stressed a lot.  I need a new outlet.  This one is making me not so much fun to be around.

I heard myself today.  My tone, my body language.  All so negative.  Not like me, and not the person I strive to be.

I was brought back on track by my own superhero.  Only the strongest can share what’s on their mind and in their heart.  That’s why I love her so.

hawkgirl

Wise beyond her years.  Worried about things she should never even have to think about.  Yet still able to find the simple beauty in the world around her.

I took a “time out” tonight to regroup.  She nestled up with Daddy.  Warms my heart to see her in my bed.

My nighttime prayers include the many who had their own medical adventures today, and my girl.  That she may know the joys of childhood… and for me, that I will remember to enjoy watching before they pass me by.

childlike wonder

 

Rare Disease Day 2014 – Through Meghan’s Eyes

Yesterday, our local paper published an article about Meghan and Rare Disease Day.

http://www.silive.com/news/index.ssf/2014/02/post_738.html

Today, the Borough President came to our school about a 4th Grade reading program, and was so interested in Meghan’s story he took the time to talk to her.  She was so thrilled by his genuine nature, and his true interest in her.  Not too shabby of a smile for a kid just 2 weeks post op from a complete thyroidectomy!

Meghan chatting with Borough President Oddo!
Meghan chatting with Borough President Oddo!

Today,  Meghan addressed the school about what it was like to live with a Rare Disease.  She spoke eloquently and passionately.  The students were phenomenal.  She was exceptionally BRAVE.

This is her speech.

Living with Cowden’s Syndrome

Every day I have pain.  Cowden’s is a Rare Disease that never gives you a break and always keeps you on your toes. Cowden’s is a blessing and a curse. I am grateful to Cowden’s, for it has made me who I am today. Cowden’s is also a curse, to have to go through what I do. I DON’T want others to have to do what I do. NO ONE should have to endure the countless doctor’s appointments, tests, hospitalizations, and surgeries that a person with Cowden’s Syndrome has to endure. 

Today is February 28th. To many people today is just Friday, but to others, February 28th is Rare Disease Day. Rare Disease Day is to raise awareness about Rare Diseases world wide.  Rare Diseases are an issue. 50 percent of Rare Diseases affect children. 300 million of the earth’s population has a Rare Disease.  There are over 7,000 Rare Diseases and less than 400 treatments with, currently NO CURES! With Rare Diseases you need all different types of treatments.  Treatments and surgeries can be helpful, but they don’t fix the problem permanently.  Rare Diseases aren’t contagious. If someone in your family, or a friend of yours, has a Rare Disease, that doesn’t mean that you will have one.

We chose the movie BRAVE for tonight’s movie night on purpose.  When you have a Rare Disease you have to be brave.  Individuality is very important. No matter who you are, EMBRACE it and  be BRAVE.  Be an individual. Being BRAVE is about not being scared to be you. Don’t just follow other people. BE a leader, be BRAVE! You are who you are so why not recognize that and make the best of it? Explore and be BRAVE. 

 Until September of 2011 I did not know I had this Rare Disease, or ANY Rare Disease. All I knew was that my body was far from NORMAL.  All I could do was be BRAVE. Every single second of every single day all I CAN do is be BRAVE. You never know what is lurking around the corner. All you can do is prepare yourself and stand up tall against all odds. All you can do is be BRAVE. 

Once I learned that I had Cowden’s Syndrome I researched it. It means that my PTEN gene is broken. Your body is made up of all sorts of G-E-N-E-S not J-E-A-N-S like the ones you wear. PTEN is the gene in your body that keeps your body from growing tumors. With a broken PTEN gene, I learned that my body was more likely than other people’s to grow tumors, and that sometimes those tumors could be cancer.  Imagine how scared I was, and how I needed to be BRAVE. Cowden’s Syndrome has different versions of the same symptoms on each person. 1 in 200,000 people have Cowden’s Syndrome. Another thing I thought was interesting was that 80 percent of rare diseases are from genetic origin. 

 I’ve always wanted something to represent me. I knew there was the gold ribbon for Childhood Cancer, the pink ribbon for Breast Cancer, so on and so on. I NEEDED something to represent me. That is why I have this first of a kind denim ribbon necklace. It is the first of its mold and has a ONE OF A KIND inscription on the back. My mom and dad have one too.  The support I get from my family is incredibly inspiring.  I REALLY want to make more people aware, as you can see. 

 All you can do with Rare Diseases can do is be BRAVE. Look danger, sadness, disappointments, and diagnoses in the face. Be prepared. Don’t let it break you. For each and every Rare Disease, stand up to the challenges it brings, and don’t let them break you. Let it make you stronger.

 When I’m here at school I put on a mask. A mask of happiness, of making people think that I can brush everything away. No one knows that under that mask is a girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders. All I can do is be BRAVE. I cannot do what everyone else can. I struggle to fit in and find acceptance in the world. All I can rely on to make me smile and laugh are my friends. They are part of the reason that I can keep up the mask. I will never let anyone know what I think. That is who  I am and what I do. NEVER judge someone by what they look on the outside. I am a perfect example of this. 

        Be KIND, be AWARE, Rare Diseases are EVERYWHERE!

And then – as if I wasn’t proud enough…. she put this video together all by herself….

Such a proud Mom!  Spreading the word…. LOVE this kid.

Can’t wait until tomorrow for MOVIE NIGHT!

“Probably”

I like the word “probably” a lot more when it is favorable.  Although sometimes I feel like life is engulfed in ‘probably,’ ‘maybe,’ ‘most likely,’ or ‘I’m not sure.’

Today “probably” means it’s most likely migraines causing her agony.

migrane 2

 

And with some explanation that migraines can level even the strongest adults, she started to feel a bit better.

There was  a thorough exam, and a kind, intelligent neurologist.  He knew what Cowden’s Syndrome was, complimented my list of doctors, and even called the oncologist to talk about treatment options.

So my girl, whose pain had actually radiated down and into her shoulders was looking finally at an answer.

migrane

 

I understand her cautious suspicion, as things have often not gone according to plan.

However, this diagnosis actually makes sense.  And having lived through my share of migraines, it even explains the level of pain.

migrane 4

So he is 90% sure.

Those are good odds.

Except there needs to be an MRI just to be 100% sure.

And MRI, with gadolinium.  Again.

Three steps forward.  Two steps back.

But once the MRI is done, and clean, and we can all breathe again, then its onward.

The medicine started tonight.  It will be every night.  Relief is long overdue.

Fingers crossed.  Prayers gladly accepted.

migrane 3

 

STUPID CANCER show!

I am absolutely high on adrenaline right now…

In August the husband of a friend from High School asked me to be on “The Stupid Cancer Show.”

https://www.facebook.com/stupidcancer

stupidcancershow

I said yes, not quite sure exactly what would be involved, but knowing that it was a rare opportunity to speak to Cowden’s Syndrome awareness.

Tonight was the night.

What an amazing show.  I am so glad to be familiar with it now, and you should check it out!

Somehow the words came pouring out.  It’s amazing what speaking from the heart can do.  I can only hope that someone tonight knows what they didn’t know before.

I find there to be no coincidences in life.

After my segment in the “Survivor Spotlight,” the show focused on toxicity and cancer.  Well even though I just listened in to THAT part of the show, I was so in tune to what they were saying.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stupidcancershow/2013/10/22/stupid-environment

(My part of the show starts at about 11 minutes, and ends around 30 – I talk too much!  But I managed to mention my friends at Life with Cowden’s, PTEN world, and The Global Genes Project!)

Near as I can figure these days, breathing increases your cancer risk.  But, taking crappy care of your body, eating junky food, and generally being careless, puts you at a greater risk than if you are careful.

There is nothing we can do, especially those of us with genetic predispositions to cancer, to fully protect us.  But we can do what we can to help.

There is no guarantee I won’t get hit by a car, but if I stand in the middle of the street I greatly increase my chances.

People ask why we devote so much of our time, energy and budget into healthy food.

Genetics are not on our side.  But we can fill our bodies with healthy, pure, organic superfood.

These days the core of the nutrition in our home comes from Isagenix.  It does not claim to prevent, treat or cure any disease, but If you haven’t looked yet – now is a good time.

www.meghanleigh8903.isagenix.com
http://www.meghanleigh8903.isagenix.com

This company provides quality food, and they make it possible for you to afford it, because you can eat your Isagenix for free.

“You plus two, them plus two.”

you plus two

Well worth my initial investment.  Quality nutrition for my entire family.

We are certainly going to do the best we can at all times.

Our health, no guarantee.  But we are going to do the best we can to keep that “STUPID CANCER” away.

Catch-22

catch-22 is a paradoxical situation from which an individual cannot escape because of contradictory rules.[1][2] Catch-22s often result from rules, regulations, or procedures that an individual is subject to but has no control over. 

-Wikipedia

 toxicworld

You know a person could go crazy trying to keep themselves free from toxins.  These days it seems to be an all consuming, and virtually impossible task.  Sometimes I wish I knew a lot less.  Sometimes maybe ignorance is bliss.  And cheaper.  And a LOT less stressful.

But then again, I think my girl would be a whole lot worse off.  And therein lies the “Catch-22.”

Meghan has been seen by a “biomedical specialist,” (insert voodoo, witchcraft, flawed medicine – whatever makes you happy) since she was about 2.

Back in the summer of 2005 things were definitely NOT ok here.  I knew it deep down where that Mommy gut nags at you.  We had speech therapy.  We had occupational therapy.  And we had a child who had already been hospitalized twice with chronic viral infections, was not sleeping, was not playing, was not talking, and was most of the time flat out uncomfortable.  We also had a vast array of doctors who dutifully collected my Co-Pays and did absolutely nothing but tell me they “didn’t know.”

So, I read.  I researched.  I altered her diet.  I added some key supplements.  I started to see results – but not enough.

This doctor, whose office we just left a few hours ago – over 8 years since our initial meeting- got to know Meghan.  He told us he could help.  And he has.

We have worked together through dietary interventions.  Supplements.  IV treatments.  Countless blood tests.  And, when we needed it – Xrays, and guidance towards the diagnosis of “milk of calcium” of the gall bladder at age 3.5

He has been my sounding board through lots of ups and downs.  I have never, and will never take any one person’s word on what I should do for my daughter – doctor or not – but he is one of the opinions I value highly.

He had the gumption to prescribe digestive enzymes after YEARS of horrendous stool and horrific stomach aches.  “We don’t need to biopsy the pancreas. Sometimes we just need to use our heads to see what works.”  Not too often these days will you find any medical professional with that confidence or drive to do what is right.

Through the years we have visited his office at least 3 times a year for lengthy consultations.  He has suggested countless things to help aid Meghan’s immune system, her pain, her tendency towards chronic fatigue.  I have listened to many, and ignored a few.  Conversations have evolved over the years as we have each stayed up to date on current research.

The initial diagnosis of Cowden’s Syndrome seemed to bother him a great deal.  He was bothered by the ramifications of the syndrome, but also by the fact that there was no way this was “all of it.”  Meghan “doesn’t fit in a box,” he would always tell me.  Never let them try to put her in one.

And, perhaps truer words have not been spoken.  As we have navigated the world of Cowden’s Syndrome, I have been acutely aware that there is still “something else.”  But, since we are yet to put our finger on it – we continue doing the best we can.

Cowden’s Syndrome involves screening tests.  Regularly.  For cancer, and vascular malformations that can form anywhere at any time.  X-Rays and CT scans are discouraged because of radiation exposure and a fear that cells can be “tripped.”  So MRI is the test of choice.  MRI with contrast that is.  Gadolinium to be exact.

I’ll get back to why that is important in a bit.

We have spent the last 2 years especially, (but really the last 5 or so for Meghan considering the AVM in her knee was discovered LONG before the Cowden’s Syndrome diagnosis) being scanned.  In July Meghan had an MRI ordeal that involved 4,000 images, 3 hours, 2 tubes, and 3 doses of contrast dye.

We have spent the last few years dealing with a rapidly growing child whose pains seemed to be increasing exponentially.  We have gone from treating with Advil to treating with 200 mg a day of Celebrex.

We have spent the last few years trying to help her stay calm- only to watch her anxiety mount.  In September she was diagnosed with Alopecia Areata– an autoimmune condition that causes hair loss.  Fortunately for us it seems to be contained to a small area, but it is an unnerving diagnosis still the same.

We understand the role of autoimmune disease and stress, and toxins.  We understand the role that stress can play on a genetic mutation of the PTEN (tumor suppressor) gene.  We understand that there is external and internal stress.

We do what we can to control stress on the body.  We make sure she has “down time.”  We try to help her get rest.  We got her involved in swimming, a sport she loves. We make sure she eats a largely organic diet free of the foods she can not tolerate like gluten, dairy and soy.  We eliminated almost without exception preservatives and dyes.  We bought new pots and threw out the plastic plates we used to use sometimes.

We started giving her ISAGENIX, the organic superfood that is as pure as I seem to be able to find.

And even at that – there is an awareness that we can NOT control it all.  There is an awareness that by whatever mechanism that is broken, our girl does NOT detoxify properly.  We are aware of toxins in the air, in our soil, and even in our filtered water.  We are aware that her body is confused by this world we live in, by the GMOs that are even hidden in her organic diet.

GMO safety-testing

We run, like Indiana Jones, out in front of the boulder, in constant motion.  One stride ahead…

Chelation

Chelation therapy is a proven treatment for lead poisoning and poisoning from other heavy metals.

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/pharmacologicalandbiologicaltreatment/chelation-therapy

The term has been spoken over and over again by the “bio medical doctor.”  Chelation is the concept I found every single excuse to overlook and ignore.  The idea  shook me to my core.

The turning point – Alopecia Areata and the words I had heard him say to me for years, “She is primed to become an autoimmune train wreck.  Let’s try to clean her out.”

toxic

She went for her first treatment last month.  After the treatment there is an 8 hour urine test to measure the toxic metals excreted.

She went for her second treatment today and I got to look at the printout of last month’s urine analysis.  So, even as I held her, and she wailed in pain, and two veins rolled before they got a good one, my resolve was strong.

There are several metals that were high.  None of that made me happy.  But the most disconcerting of all…

The reference range for that MRI contrast dye Gadolinium I mentioned earlier is <0.4.  Her output was 190.  No I am not forgetting a decimal.

Gadolinium.  Necessary for the cancer and vascular screenings set to be part of her life forever.  Except apparently her body can’t seem to excrete it.

Toxic metals

Catch-22

Keep Swimming…

 

 

I don’t know anything about “Cowden’s Syndrome…”

After last night’s late night strep diagnosis, there was no way I could send her to Bible School this morning.

But, I had an appointment with the breast surgeon – a routine follow-up that I knew would take 5 minutes.

(That is why I had scheduled it July 16th when I was ALREADY IN the city- but last-minute doctor vacations are just one of the many inconveniences of life these days.)

I knew it would take 5 minutes – after I drove through an hour and a half of traffic, parked the car, walked a half mile, and waited to be called.

traffic

Truth be told it was lest than 5 minutes.  A three-minute groping of my silicone implants and surrounding lymph nodes.  The proclamation was made that everything looks “great” and I should return in 6 months.  I actually was probably dressed and on my way before 5 minutes were up.

fake boobs

But, I HAD to go.  It would have been too easy to cancel.  It would have been too easy to blow it off.  And what if?  What if that one renegade cell…  Nope, I HAD to go.

And, Meghan had to come with me.  She trekked like a trooper to the main hospital to get another copy of the CD of the MRI of her hand for the orthopedist appointment at 2:30. Then, we traveled on the journey to the Clinical Cancer Center.  I had to push her in the push chair today.  The strep was knocking the wind out of her this morning and the hips and knees were bothering her.

push chair

It was also bothering her that people were staring at her.  So it was a great opportunity to give her LOTS of really LOUD pep talks.  I hope a few people overheard.  Some people are really dumb.  Others mean well – but for goodness sakes, don’t just stare at the child.  Say “hello,” “good morning,”  ANYTHING… UGH!  But anyway…

And after the 5 minute appointment there was another hour in travel time back home.

time-warp

Just in time to let the dogs out and run to pick up some chicken breast cold cuts for her to eat before physical therapy.

As she inhaled the chips and chicken I spoke with the therapist.  I am always just so impressed by how smart she is, and how much she actually cares about Meghan.  She took the time to READ about Cowden’s and to try to understand WHY and HOW the small fatty masses on her palm are affecting her.  If only there were more…

Right after therapy it was off to the orthopedist looking for a few answers about the hand and the wrist.

That’s where things unraveled.

Ok.  I understand it’s a rare disease.  I do.

I get that with an occurrence rate of 1 in 200,000 you may not have touched on it in medical school.

rare-disease-day-feature

But, you insisted on the paperwork completed online a full 10 days before the appointment.  You could have read it, or had someone flag it.

And, I made the appointment with the doctor who had been prepped already.

Bait and switch?

The orthopedist today was amazingly young.  I guess the big 4-0 is approaching fast, because I could scarcely believe he was out of medical school.  Everyone seems to be looking younger and younger.

No need to remind me of what that implies.  I get it.

We have seen LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of doctors.  MOST would rather make something up than admit they didn’t know something, which is a problem in and of itself.  Not this guy.

He examined her hand.  Validated the pain.  Looked at the MRI report.  Declared there to be “nothing orthopedic” about her problem.  And then he said,

I don’t know ANYTHING about Cowden’s Syndrome, so you’ll have to tell me what it is and what it does.”

Cowden's Syndrome

I almost asked him to repeat himself, but that would have just been to buy me time for my response.  So, as I was gathering my bags and looking to exit as fast as I possibly could, I gave him a brief lesson on Cowden’s Syndrome.

This doctor was far younger than me.

This is the technology generation.

Step out of the room and hit google.com

The first link is this one http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/cowden-syndrome

What is Cowden syndrome?

Cowden syndrome is a disorder characterized by multiple noncancerous, tumor-like growths called hamartomas and an increased risk of developing certain cancers.

Almost everyone with Cowden syndrome develops hamartomas. These growths are most commonly found on the skin and mucous membranes (such as the lining of the mouth and nose), but they can also occur in the intestine and other parts of the body. The growth of hamartomas on the skin and mucous membranes typically becomes apparent by a person’s late twenties.

Cowden syndrome is associated with an increased risk of developing several types of cancer, particularly cancers of the breast, a gland in the lower neck called the thyroid, and the lining of the uterus (the endometrium). Other cancers that have been identified in people with Cowden syndrome include colorectal cancer, kidney cancer, and a form of skin cancer called melanoma. Compared with the general population, people with Cowden syndrome develop these cancers at younger ages, often beginning in their thirties or forties. Other diseases of the breast, thyroid, and endometrium are also common in Cowden syndrome. Additional signs and symptoms can include an enlarged head (macrocephaly) and a rare, noncancerous brain tumor called Lhermitte-Duclos disease. A small percentage of affected individuals have delayed development or intellectual disability.

The features of Cowden syndrome overlap with those of another disorder called Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome. People with Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome also develop hamartomas and other noncancerous tumors. Both conditions can be caused by mutations in the PTEN gene. Some people with Cowden syndrome have had relatives diagnosed with Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome, and other individuals have had the characteristic features of both conditions. Based on these similarities, researchers have proposed that Cowden syndrome and Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome represent a spectrum of overlapping features known as PTEN hamartoma tumor syndrome instead of two distinct conditions.

Some people have some of the characteristic features of Cowden syndrome, particularly the cancers associated with this condition, but do not meet the strict criteria for a diagnosis of Cowden syndrome. These individuals are often described as having Cowden-like syndrome.

Read more about Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome.

How common is Cowden syndrome?

Although the exact prevalence of Cowden syndrome is unknown, researchers estimate that it affects about 1 in 200,000 people.

********************************************************************************************************

Was that so hard?  Meet me half way people.

It’s still hard for me to believe that cost me a co-pay.

Let’s see if the hand surgeon on Thursday can offer us something better.

Or maybe the rheumatologist will actually call me back.

Taking bets?

Every day is a great adventure!

Exhausted

My Wish

What would I do?
What would I do?

I have been quiet this week.  That in and of itself is unlike me.

I am tired – well bordering on downright wiped out.

There are a few more weeks of summer to go, and aside from a well planned Disney Trip, set in place in January – there seems to be precious little to look forward to.

Meghan has a short list of “have tos” which I plan to do EVERYTHING in my power to work out for her, but really every effort I made to keep this summer better – to “streamline the doctor visits” seems to have failed miserably.

Today she began her summer homework.  While it is reasonable, it is one more thing on a list of “have-tos” for a kid that just wants to be a kid.

There is no camp for Meghan.  It is all doctors appointments – all the time.  And when it is not her appointments it seems to be mine.  She is swimming three nights a week on a new team, at least she is LOVING that – but we have barely been inside our previously overused pool.

Wishes 1

And its funny, while she and I have both had appointments of almost equal number in the last few weeks, I feel so much less stress about mine.

The geneticist  the endocrine surgeon, the gyn oncologist, the abdominal MRI, the plastic surgeon, and the oncologist.  The spleen survived its next cut – and can live for another 9 months.  The 3.5 cm roundish lymphangiomas are stable.  That’s all we ask for now.  The thyroid lymph nodes – not suspicious enough to biopsy.

The plastic surgeon, well the LOVELY woman offered me a boob job to correct the “asymmetry” caused by me shoving the reconstruction all into one day.  Not this year, but thanks.  Good to know the offer stands indefinitely.  For now, I have other things to do.

So I have only one more of my appointments lingering, a late July follow up with the breast surgeon.  I thought of blowing it off and then realized how dumb that would be – for so many reasons.  So, I will go.

But Meghan’s appointments, those are the ones that keep me up at night.  Those are the ones that strike fear and anxiety in the core of my soul.  My heart beats outside my body in this little girl.  I can not sum up in any number of words the depth of my love for her.

So to say this summer, and especially this week has been sheer hell would be the understatement of the century.

worry 2

Her appointments began the day after school ended.  The lengthy thyroid sonogram bought us another 6 months.  The pituitary function test was a train wreck, but the call this week claims the results were OK.  I want to feel more relieved.  But its hard.  I am waiting to read the report myself.  “Doubting Thomas?”  Maybe.  Realist – probably.  Something is not quite right, but at least its not SO wrong it has to be addressed today.

The geneticist began to speak of carnitine issues, and I am waiting to hear of a possible muscle biopsy.  In the interim I bought carnitine.  Lets see if we can cut that one off.

The vascular surgeon examined the wrist, painful since early June, and the knee.  He wants an orthopedist on board, but wanted me to consult with the rheumatologist about the wrist, and then scan the knee that had the 4 surgeries, because its been over a year.  The rheumatologist concurred on the MRI studies, so we went forward with the wrist first.

Saturday, as I wrote about previously was hell on earth.  I have been through a lot of MRIs with this kid, and the behavior of the two techs scared me to my core.  I was assured upon exit, that the results would be available to my doctor Monday that passed.  Well multiple calls, over the course of Monday and Tuesday led to a promise the results were being released Tuesday.  “It’s a complicated read Mrs. Ortega.”

Wednesday morning  – still nothing at the vascular surgeon’s office, only to find the CD and report left by courier at 10 am.  They will make it by 3 I was told.

A return call to the surgeon’s office at 4:15.  “They just got here, but the doctor is gone – emergencies.  He should be able to look at them tomorrow.”

Some time around 4 AM my daughter climbed into bed between my husband and I.  She had been awake long enough to finish her book, but she just couldn’t settle over the pain in her wrist.  At about 6:15 this morning she nodded off.  I tried desperately to find my peace.

God's got this

And all day today, again, I held my phone.  We skipped the pool in between the “have tos” of getting the oil burner cleaned and our annual trip to the dentist (normal stuff.)  I refused to be far from my phone.  But as minutes became hours, my hope dwindled.

A call to the office at 4:30, “Sorry, he never made it in today, but Meghan’s chart is on top of his desk.  He has office hours tomorrow.”

Six days.

Unnecessary torture.

Six days.

Wondering, worrying.

Even if the report – by some freak of nature reads “normal” I can’t even be pleased, because the pain is not normal.  It is real, and it is consistent, and it has gone on too long.

I wish for a lot of things in the world.

I wish for children and their parents not to suffer with illnesses or adversity of any kind.

I wish for relief for those in physical, mental, and emotional anguish.

I wish for peace in the hearts and minds of the caretakers of those who struggle.

But today I also wish something else.

I wish that EVERY SINGLE medical professional who performs a test – from what is perceived as insignificant, to critical recognizes the power of their words, and their actions.  I wish that EACH of them understand what it is like to be on the receiving end of cryptic messages, grossly extended tests, and precious little reassurance.  I wish that EVERY doctor who receives a call from a patient panicked about their results be PROMPT in their response.  I wish that EVERY one of them, who goes to work each day and forgets that our child, parent, sibling, loved one exists will at some point in their life be on the waiting side.

I WISH for every one of them – from the techs, to the couriers, to the office staff, to the doctors- to have the opportunity to await the results of a test from someone they love dearly.

Then MAYBE, just MAYBE they will understand our torture.

Hang on Meghan.  Summer is coming.  Hang on.

summer

 

Champions of Hope – Global Genes Project

I received this in the mail today, and thought it was an error.
I received this in the mail today, and thought it was an error.

I actually Emailed the woman on the card to tell her they had made a mistake.

She assured me they hadn’t.  She even forwarded me the nomination form that had been sent in on behalf of Meghan and I.  Touched.  Stunned.  Honored.  Flattered.

I talk to Meghan all the time about the blog, about the internet, and about forfeiting privacy in the interest of reaching others and raising awareness.  She is all in.  She is a preteen.  This is the time to address internet issues all the time.  I told her the other day she would only want things on the internet about her she would be proud if her family or a future boss saw.  She agreed.  She is proud of this, and so am I.

We are big supporters of the Global Genes Project.  We wear the denim ribbon on our necks every day.  (And we hope beyond hope that one day, they will sell them as an awareness raising fund-raiser!)

The winners have been chosen.  I wish them all the best.

I have no idea how many people across the world received this glass block that we received.  It doesn’t matter, because it won’t make it any less special.

We haven’t done much – just openly told our story.  But, apparently to some, that is all they needed.

I am so grateful for the “Rare Disease” friends I have met along the way – those with Cowden’s and other PTEN mutations, and those with diseases I myself am first learning about.  Separate we are weak.  Together we are strong.

And to the very strong lady, my friend who I have never met, who had the love in her heart to think of us, to nominate us… well, BIG HUGS to you.  You continue to make a difference every day.

2013 “Tribute To Champions of Hope” Gala

2013 RARE Tribute to Champions of  Hope Gala

 

They will celebrate in California on September 21st.  We will celebrate right here, and with them in spirit.

There are people making a difference for our “Rare” community at large.  I am eternally grateful.  One day, all this will change… (source) http://globalgenes.org/rarefacts/

RARE Facts and Statistics

Statistics and Figures on Prevalence of Rare and Genetic Diseases

Although rare and genetic diseases, and many times the symptoms, are uncommon to most doctors, rare diseases as a whole represent a large medical challenge. Combine this with the lack of financial or market incentives to treat or cure rare diseases, and you have a serious public health problem.

Here are a few statistics and facts to illustrate the breadth of the rare disease problem worldwide.

  • There are approximately 7,000 different types of rare diseases and disorders, with more being discovered each day
  • 30 million people in the United States are living with rare diseases. This equates to 1 in 10 Americans or 10% of the U.S. population
  • Similar to the United States, Europe has approximately 30 million people living with rare diseases. It is estimated that 350 million people worldwide suffer from rare diseases
  • If all of the people with rare diseases lived in one country,  it would be the world’s 3rd most populous country
  • In the United States, a condition is considered “rare” it affects fewer than 200,000 persons combined in a particular rare disease group. International definitions on rare diseases vary. For example in the UK, a disease is considered rare if it affects fewer than 50,000 citizens per disease
  • 80% of rare diseases are genetic in origin, and thus are present throughout a person’s life, even if symptoms do not immediately appear
  • Approximately 50% of the people affected by rare diseases are children
  • 30% of children with rare disease will not live to see their 5th birthday
  • Rare diseases are responsible for 35% of deaths in the first year of life
  • The prevalence distribution of rare diseases is skewed – 80% of all rare disease patients are affected by approximately 350 rare diseases
  • According to the Kakkis EveryLife Foundation, 95% of rare diseases have not one single FDA approved drug treatment
  • During the first 25 years of the Orphan Drug Act (passed in 1983), only 326 new drugs were approved by the FDA and brought to market for all rare disease patients combined
  • According to the National Institutes of Health Office of Rare Disease Research, approximately 6% of the inquiries made to the Genetic and Rare Disease Information Center (GARD) are in reference to an undiagnosed disease
  • Approximately 50% of rare diseases do not have a disease specific foundation supporting or researching their rare disease

And one day this list will be a lot shorter. http://globalgenes.org/rarelist/ (Click to see the more than 7,000 Rare Diseases)

For tonight – I will rest knowing we have helped a few people as best we can, and that we have raised awareness of a few others.  I will rest knowing that while I endure the agonizing wait for the wrist MRI there are people working so that one day these Rare Diseases will be a distant memory.

I will rest thinking of my daughter – the future geneticist.  One who WILL make a difference!

I have always wanted to be a doctor!
I have always wanted to be a doctor!