bathing suit – beatingcowdens

Bra-less in Walt Disney World!

Published on August 19, 2012August 19, 2012 by beatingcowdens2 Comments

I just returned from 9 days in sunny, HOT Florida with my family. We had our 5th annual trip to Disney to celebrate Meghan‘s birthday August 9th. I now officially have a 9 year old!

The trip was great, and I will have loads of things to share over the next few days, so bear with me. But this is the thought I had to share first.

I spent 9 days in Florida and I didn’t wear a bra – not once.

Now I was never huge. Prior to my mastectomy I was a B cup, C if I had gained a few pounds or wanted to make myself feel better. So, when I was discussing my reconstruction options for the new boobs with the plastic surgeon, she was a little surprised when I told her I wanted immediate implants instead of tissue expanders.

She told me that just isn’t the way they do things anymore. She said she wouldn’t have enough skin to maintain my existing size. So I said, “OK, go smaller.” Now she was a pretty small woman herself, but she still spoke to me for quite a long time, wanting to be sure I understood what I was saying.

I did. You see my surgery was as much about my daughter as it was about me. I knew that tissue expanders required fills. I knew that that meant more trips to the doctor. I knew that it meant an additional surgery for the implants, and I knew several people who had suffered enormous infections with them. I also knew I had to get home to my daughter and get about the business of recovering – quickly. So, if that meant I had to go down to an A cup – so be it. It supported the weight loss all the recent stress has brought.

After the surgery I wasn’t unhappy at all with the “new” girls. Once healed I got used to them, and grew more confident. So, when I went shopping for vacation I got a little daring.

All those shelf bra tops. the yoga ones, and the skinny strap camisole tops – well I had a few, and I bought a few smaller ones. Then, I tried them on with no bra. THAT was something I never dared to do before. I jumped, I bounced. I checked. Nothing moved. And, since I lost my nipples to the surgery – nothing stuck out.

Well I spent 9 days in Florida, with minimal hot flashes, helped along by my moisture wicking tops, and no bra.

Best part of all, I am sure NO one had a clue.

After all that has gone on, if I don’t find the bright side, I will crack up. So here it is, just for you – the shots of me Bra-less in Walt Disney World!

TWO bathing suits to pick from!!!!!

Published on July 11, 2012 by beatingcowdens3 Comments

new suit — I never owned a 2 piece suit in my life… even though you can’t tell!

Sorry about the strange head tilt… Never owned a suit that wasn’t primarily black either!

new suit 2 — I never owned a 2 piece suit in my life… even though you can’t tell!

Sorry about the strange head tilt… Never owned a suit that wasn’t primarily black either!

CAN I HAVE A WOOHOO? THERE ARE BATHING SUITS AFTER A MASTECTOMY!

Today after a few annoying things happened (like setting up Meghan’s appointment for Friday morning with the stupid surgeon, and fighting with a credit reporting agency over an old identity theft issue) I got to try on my new bathing suits.

Now, this (almost 39 year old) body, is in no condition to model, but I was so very excited I had to share.

Since the mastectomy I have had a lot of work getting used to my new boobs. They are smaller than the old ones, and that seems to be just as difficult to adjust to as if they had become bigger. It just changes everything – the way everything fits and feels.

I have also had to get used to no underwire – in anything. That has been an understandable, but difficult transition. So, I have pretty much transformed my closet into tops that worked for me. Lots of new T shirts, a couple of dress shirts that still need a tuck at the shoulder to tighten them up by the boobs. But all in all – its going ok.

When I first put on last years bathing suits I did cry a little. I had to immediately put all but 1 (which was salvageable, but not great) up in the attic. Not only did the boobs just not work in those suits, the stress of the last few months has taken off some pounds. So they were a mess. I ordered 1 suit a few weeks ago. My husband made me take it off because he said it made my boobs look fake. (LOL… newsflash honey… ) But I understood.

Got these in the mail today and got the seal of approval on both. I have some nerve showing them here… but I want to know what you think.

So come on tell me – black, pink, or try again?

Have to have some fun, right?

A breath of normalcy… shhhh…

Published on July 7, 2012 by beatingcowdensLeave a comment

There are lots of things that I like about Saturdays. First, my husband is home with us, and that makes any day better. I love the routines – wash the sheets and towels and dog beds, head to the bank, general clean up, and the race to see how fast it can all get done so the day can start.

Perhaps what I love the best about Saturdays is that they are almost always free of doctors. Unless we are sick or have some kind of emergency, Saturday is a doctor – free day. That means no appointments, no waiting in offices, no waiting for phone calls that don’t come (UGH!), no dealing with billing offices and in and out of network nightmares. NO DOCTORS!

Have I mentioned I love Saturday?

And today it was even better. Beyond “normal,” we had a surprise visit from 2 nephews, all grown up now – 18 and 23 – who spent this really HOT day, swimming with us, and just hanging around to chat, play Kinect, and even Uno.

We ate a delicious and healthy dinner. Grilled chicken on the barbecue, roasted potatoes, chick pea salad, and grilled zucchini from our garden! And, it was ALL prepared by my husband (who is incidentally a MUCH better cook than I will ever be!)

It gets better – if you can imagine. Today, for the first time since last summer, I put my new fake boobs, and my post hysterectomy body into a bathing suit – AND I SWAM! 🙂 And, it was ok. The suit fit. Everything stayed where it belonged. It looks like the hysterectomy has finally healed, and shhhhhhh…… even if it was just for today –

it was really nice to have a breath of normalcy in our lives!

Bathing suits and other insecurities…

Published on June 11, 2012June 13, 2012 by beatingcowdens8 Comments

Some days I forget. I really do. Some days the thought that I had my boobs cut off and replaced with these round silicone implants doesn’t even cross my mind. Then, there are other days.

This morning I took a shower. Not a rare occurence, but maybe it was rare that I wasn’t late. That I had time to really look at things. So I looked in the mirror. First, at the small hysterectomy scars that are healing quite nicely. (While I still have ISSUES with whatever is provoking the NEVER – ENDING bleeding inside, the outside scars look great.)

Then, I looked up. Staring me right in the face were these perfectly round circles where my boobs used to be.

There is a scar across each one. No nipple on ether. There is also the most bizarre indentation under my arm on both sides. I looked at it for a while. Then I realized it was my ribs. It just looks weird. And wrong. There should be some kind of tissue there hiding my ribs. I am sure of it.

I took a few deep breaths. I reminded myself that I would have the luxury of drying my large head of curly hair – because the cancer that was hiding in the left boob was gone. For good. No treatments. No worry. Just have to get used to the new landscape.

I put on my bra. One of the new ones with the A cup. I tightened the straps. I wiggled this way and that. Still there were these huge gaps. Even the bra people don’t figure on what you are supposed to do to cover ribs where they shouldn’t be.

I did manage to get it together, and get out the door to work. I am sure no one noticed any of my insecurities as I went about my day, but they were there. Nagging me.

Since I am somewhat of a masochist, I decided today would be the day to try on the bathing suits. There were 6 in all in my drawer. Four of them literally fell off of me. One was full of “extra fabric” as my husband put it, and the other one – well that one wasn’t so bad at all. A relief I guess that when I get the OK from the hysterectomy surgeon, at least I have a suit to put on.

I went tonight to the mastectomy section of an online retailer to buy myself a real suit. I was so confused. Unsure of my own size, and which will cover enough, I settled on a (way too expensive for my taste) tankini. It should arrive in a few days. Maybe it will even fit.

Summer is coming, fast and furious. Whether I like it or not, the new body is making its debut.

Look out world – with a slightly flatter belly, and some perky new boobs – here comes the new me.

At least I don’t have to worry about my nipples sticking out at all the wrong times!

I am getting more ready – one day at a time!