I usually have a plan when I sit down to write. Typically there is a topic, or a concept in my mind or on my heart. But, as is clearly evident by the two months of silence on this page, I’m struggling.
Having a PTEN Mutation, and being the mom of a young lady with a PTEN Mutation of her own has been nothing short of life-changing. Things that happen in our lives change the course of our travel along the path. That statement is not even intended as a judgment, just a factual statement that most people can relate to.
Sometimes when we are talking in the car, my girl and I play the game of “what if?” It can be a dangerous game, or it can be cathartic. For us it is typically the latter. No matter how many ways we can come up with that things “would have” or “could have” happened, we are always sure that we have become who we are because of the turns our road has taken. And, on most days, we like ourselves.
Experience does dictate your reality, though.
Two or three people observing the same thing will interpret it to some extent based on the experiences that have brought them to this point in their lives. That is neither a bad thing or a good one. It simply is. And to understand each other as humans, it is something we need to recognize.
One of Meghan’s Christmas gifts was a T shirt that says “Humankind- be both”
It was chosen for her deliberately because it is something she believes and aspires to. being in a high school experience where she meets many young adults from a variety of life circumstances, she is developing an even deeper understanding of the situations in our lives that create who we are. She is happy there. She is accepted there. Life stories are understood, and often unspoken.
Where we have been, what we have seen, and what we do with those experiences are such an integral part of our lives. Many of them we can control consciously and fully, while others take a lot more work to harness. The hardest things to get control of lie deep in our own hearts and heads.
The day after Christmas we made the gut-wrenching decision to put down our Lucky girl, a lab/ border collie mix that had been a part of our family since Christmas in 2005. There was sparsely a memory Meghan had that did not include Lucky. And the absence of the clicking of her paws and her animated noises leave our house a way too quiet.
We have our beautiful April, a mutt rescued very quickly after our beloved Allie passed away in December of 2014. Lucky needed April to distract her from her own broken heart. And she did an outstanding job. April is finding herself now, as an “only” while we all navigate through a new phase of life with one dog.
If you have lost a pet you understand the gravity of the loss and how it changes the dynamic of the family. If you have not, you’ll have to trust me. Or not. It’s up to you.
Three of us, well four if you count April, are grieving Lucky’s loss. Yet, we are all doing it differently. Lucky lived here, but she was Meghan’s dog. She came in to our lives when Meghan was only 2. Experiences were different for all of us, yet the depth of the loss runs deep.
Experience and personal reality are intimately connected.
Almost two weeks ago I fell at work. Hard. It was so frustratingly avoidable. I caught my foot on a child’s chair. My brain and my feet were not communicating. There was nothing to break my fall except my shoulder as it hit the base of another chair.
I stayed on the floor for a few moments trying to recover. Looking up at the faces of 30 third graders gasping “Are you OK?” I knew it was essential that I at least look the part rather quickly. I got myself to my feet, mumbled an independent assignment for them and got to the phone to get some help.
After completing paperwork and gathering some ice, I was sent out to seek medical attention. After spending a few hours having x-rays of a foot, two knees and a shoulder, I was sent home to ice and rest. I was also told to contact my plastic surgeon.
No it was not a disfiguring fall, except part of what broke the fall was also the right breast implant. The one just under the still slightly off-color shoulder. It felt very “off” and it was impossible to ascertain whether the fall had somehow caused the implant to rupture. I needed an MRI.
I could not get any associate of my surgeon to physically see me. The fall was on a Tuesday, and my doctor ONLY sees patients on Monday. So I was left to schedule the MRI and wonder.
The looming appointment was not nearly as bothersome as the wonder.
People fall every day. Depending on age, physical fitness, the circumstances of the fall, they will all have a different reaction. If you have a PTEN Mutation, which led to a breast cancer diagnosis and a double mastectomy at the age of 38, and that double mastectomy was followed by silicone implants, which already had to be replaced in 2016, and you fall on and near one of the implants from a height of about 5 foot 7, well your reaction might very well be to worry about that implant. Mine was.
I just wanted someone to look at it. I wanted someone to tell me the visible changes were not to be worried about. But, no one would do that. So I was left alone, home healing, with full access to the internet.
While I have learned a good deal of what I know about my body and Meghan’s through skillful sorting through ‘fake’ and ‘real’ information, equally available on the internet, I now had plenty of time to investigate what had been a mention weeks earlier in one of my on-line support groups.
Breast implant associated anaplastic large cell lymphoma, or (BIA-ALCL) is something I never heard of until it was brought up in discussion by another patient with Cowden’s Syndrome. I now had all the time in the world to fully investigate and I was getting furious. While I do not put my faith fully in any source, I will link in FDA pages here. A careful eye will notice that most links when searching this condition are plastic surgeon sponsored.
For those of you interested, clicking the links above is likely to give you information you never heard before. Unless maybe your surgeon was much more forthcoming than mine.
I was relieved to learn I had the “smooth” textured implants, the ones least likely to lead to BIA-ALCL. I was disturbed to read the FDA recommendation the implants be evaluated via MRI 3 years after initial surgery and every 2 years after. No one had ever mentioned an MRI to me post mastectomy. Ever. But that shouldn’t be a surprise. A complete search of all my paperwork from the initial implant surgery and the revision failed to uncover ANY documentation of ANY potential additional cancer risk. Being diagnosed with a condition that had greatly increased my likelihood of so many cancers, I may have thought things through differently. Maybe I would not have. But regardless I would have felt as though I had made informed decisions.
Now I was just mad, hurt, and violated.
And, I was dealing with a trauma to the area surrounding this foreign object in my body, causing visible swelling, with no one to calm my angst.
By the time I got the call post-MRI that there was no rupture, I also read the report that said basically nothing other than the stability of the implant was evaluated. A wordy disclaimer.
Risk of BIA-ALCL is rare. There is no documentation as to whether our subgroup is any more affected.
It doesn’t matter anymore. I will at some point in the not so distant future move to have these objects removed. “Superfluous tissue” is what my mom called her breasts 22 years ago when they were removed. She never had implants. She’ll be 70 next month and is feisty as a firecracker.
I think I found my motivation to stay thin and spry.
Our experiences influence our reality. All this from an unfortunate fall. Even as I sit here almost 2 weeks later, the pain in my foot telling me I’m not sure there is not an un- diagnosed fracture there, I have to wonder if that fall was that unfortunate after all.
I decided finally on a primary care practice. I stopped looking for one who knew or cared to know anything about Cowden’s Syndrome. Instead I found one capable of screening me for the things any 45 year old needs to be screened for. I think I may finally be at peace with that decision. I had “well-visit” bloodwork Saturday, and I will have my visit with the staff’s FNP on Wednesday. I will talk to her about my basic asthma and allergy medications, as well as the script I usually hold for occasional migraines. I suspect all that will go well.
Then I will talk to her about the fluid in my right ear. The fluid that has been there for at least 5 months. An ear ache in early September brought me to urgent care. That repeated 3 more times, in October, November and December. Each time there was an antibiotic. Once there was a referral to a sub-par ENT who have me a steroid. Sometimes the fluid leaks out of my ear while I sleep. Sometimes I swear its finding it’s way out of my eyes.
My mother has terrible sinus problems. She has since she’s been my age. It’s probably rotten genetics not PTEN related. Mucinex keeps me away from infection and eliminates the pressure for 4 or 5 hours at a time. But this many months of Mucinex has a tendency to make the spleen angry. And I don’t want to get sidetracked talking about those splenic lymphangiomas.
I want an MRI of the sinuses. I want to know nothing sinister is going on. Then I want to see the ENT who did the surgery to save my voice 2 years ago. I’m hoping we can get that process started on Wednesday.
The calendar is foreboding. We are heading into a doctor cycle – both of us. And while I am grateful for the lull, I get familiar feelings of anxiety and dread as I lock the long afternoons in traffic into the calendar.
My daughter has the formal diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder secondary to medical trauma. There are people who like to pass judgment on that. I wish they wouldn’t.
Her service dog will come eventually. People will have a lot to say then too. I won’t notice because I will be exuding gratitude at all times.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always.
The struggle is real.
Experience dictates your reality.
The trick is to realize while everyone leads a different life, that reality is the same for all.
Humankind – be both.