Swimsuit – beatingcowdens

TWO bathing suits to pick from!!!!!

Published on July 11, 2012 by beatingcowdens3 Comments

new suit — I never owned a 2 piece suit in my life… even though you can’t tell!

Sorry about the strange head tilt… Never owned a suit that wasn’t primarily black either!

new suit 2 — I never owned a 2 piece suit in my life… even though you can’t tell!

Sorry about the strange head tilt… Never owned a suit that wasn’t primarily black either!

CAN I HAVE A WOOHOO? THERE ARE BATHING SUITS AFTER A MASTECTOMY!

Today after a few annoying things happened (like setting up Meghan’s appointment for Friday morning with the stupid surgeon, and fighting with a credit reporting agency over an old identity theft issue) I got to try on my new bathing suits.

Now, this (almost 39 year old) body, is in no condition to model, but I was so very excited I had to share.

Since the mastectomy I have had a lot of work getting used to my new boobs. They are smaller than the old ones, and that seems to be just as difficult to adjust to as if they had become bigger. It just changes everything – the way everything fits and feels.

I have also had to get used to no underwire – in anything. That has been an understandable, but difficult transition. So, I have pretty much transformed my closet into tops that worked for me. Lots of new T shirts, a couple of dress shirts that still need a tuck at the shoulder to tighten them up by the boobs. But all in all – its going ok.

When I first put on last years bathing suits I did cry a little. I had to immediately put all but 1 (which was salvageable, but not great) up in the attic. Not only did the boobs just not work in those suits, the stress of the last few months has taken off some pounds. So they were a mess. I ordered 1 suit a few weeks ago. My husband made me take it off because he said it made my boobs look fake. (LOL… newsflash honey… ) But I understood.

Got these in the mail today and got the seal of approval on both. I have some nerve showing them here… but I want to know what you think.

So come on tell me – black, pink, or try again?

Have to have some fun, right?

“Every little thing gonna be all right…”

Published on June 14, 2012 by beatingcowdensLeave a comment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mACqcZZwG0k

Bob Marley – “Three Little Birds”

“Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (“This is my message to you-ou-ou:”)

Singin’: “Don’t worry ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
Singin’: “Don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, “This is my message to you-ou-ou:”

Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don’t worry!”
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing” – I won’t worry!
“‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”

Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right” – I won’t worry!
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing, oh no!
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

I can imagine sitting on the deck by the pool. Oh, wait – the surgeon hasn’t cleared me to swim. And, I still need a bathing suit.

The cute tankini I bought was vetoed by my husband who thinks it makes my boobs look fake. LMAO at the irony of that!

Well, at least I can imagine sitting on the deck with a strong cocktail in hand… working to convince myself that every little thing is gonna be all right.

My daughter’s much awaited appointment was today. The sonogram was at 1, and the doctor at 3:30.

The sonogram was thorough – took almost 45 minutes. The doctor reviewed the images, but could not give us a clear decision until he uploads the CD I brought with last September’s sonogram images for comparison.

For right now he said things looked good. There are MANY nodules, but most are smaller than one cm. He is content to keep watching every 6 months if he doesn’t find anything on comparison that warrants a closer look. Somewhere this has to be good news, although I am always afraid to get too relaxed, so I am waiting for the phone call.

What boggled me was how laid back he was about the puberty. He told me even though she won’t turn 9 until August and she has been developing a good 6 months, that it is not too early. He said to leave it alone. Apparently she and I are the only 2 concerned. I have been super upbeat about all the changes to her, but I can’t help it. In my belly it just feels WRONG.

Maybe I am just too used to worrying. And there are reasons for that. Its seems to be all we do. Sometimes good news gets to be harder to process because it comes so rarely. Sometimes it is almost odd to hear that things are “normal.”

So, we will wait for the phone call to confirm. Then we will table the thyroid issue till December.

Next up for my girl, MRI/MRA of her knee. June 28th.

For me, well, I need to find a dermatologist, someone to screen my kidneys, someone to follow the tumor on my spleen… oh, and I need a bathing suit. According to my dear husband, one that doesn’t make my (fake) boobs look fake.

And, a LARGE cocktail with a cute little umbrella, and some Bob Marley in the background…

Every little thing IS gonna be all right!

Bathing suits and other insecurities…

Published on June 11, 2012June 13, 2012 by beatingcowdens8 Comments

Some days I forget. I really do. Some days the thought that I had my boobs cut off and replaced with these round silicone implants doesn’t even cross my mind. Then, there are other days.

This morning I took a shower. Not a rare occurence, but maybe it was rare that I wasn’t late. That I had time to really look at things. So I looked in the mirror. First, at the small hysterectomy scars that are healing quite nicely. (While I still have ISSUES with whatever is provoking the NEVER – ENDING bleeding inside, the outside scars look great.)

Then, I looked up. Staring me right in the face were these perfectly round circles where my boobs used to be.

There is a scar across each one. No nipple on ether. There is also the most bizarre indentation under my arm on both sides. I looked at it for a while. Then I realized it was my ribs. It just looks weird. And wrong. There should be some kind of tissue there hiding my ribs. I am sure of it.

I took a few deep breaths. I reminded myself that I would have the luxury of drying my large head of curly hair – because the cancer that was hiding in the left boob was gone. For good. No treatments. No worry. Just have to get used to the new landscape.

I put on my bra. One of the new ones with the A cup. I tightened the straps. I wiggled this way and that. Still there were these huge gaps. Even the bra people don’t figure on what you are supposed to do to cover ribs where they shouldn’t be.

I did manage to get it together, and get out the door to work. I am sure no one noticed any of my insecurities as I went about my day, but they were there. Nagging me.

Since I am somewhat of a masochist, I decided today would be the day to try on the bathing suits. There were 6 in all in my drawer. Four of them literally fell off of me. One was full of “extra fabric” as my husband put it, and the other one – well that one wasn’t so bad at all. A relief I guess that when I get the OK from the hysterectomy surgeon, at least I have a suit to put on.

I went tonight to the mastectomy section of an online retailer to buy myself a real suit. I was so confused. Unsure of my own size, and which will cover enough, I settled on a (way too expensive for my taste) tankini. It should arrive in a few days. Maybe it will even fit.

Summer is coming, fast and furious. Whether I like it or not, the new body is making its debut.

Look out world – with a slightly flatter belly, and some perky new boobs – here comes the new me.

At least I don’t have to worry about my nipples sticking out at all the wrong times!

I am getting more ready – one day at a time!

Silicone sweats!

Published on May 29, 2012 by beatingcowdens1 Comment

Silicone sweats.

AND I have to find a bathing suit.

That was what I realized yesterday.

In the midst of Memorial Day celebrations, and honoring our veterans, I was somewhat consumed by the those thoughts. I have to admit.

Silicone sweats.

AND I have to find a bathing suit.

I know the mercury was at about 90 degrees in New York. We opened the pool so my daughter could swim. Usually I would be right there with her, but that is a no-no on my hysterectomy recovery list.

: My bathing beauty taking a swim in the Disney hotel pool. She LOVES to swim.

She is plenty tall enough to swim alone. So I watched her from the deck, and I sweated. It wasn’t my normal sweat either. The sweat was actually pooling through the skin around my silicone implants. I don’t think it was a hot flash. “The new girls” were the only thing hot. But boy oh boy do I need a few more bras to get through the summer!

I could check the internet for some mastectomy recovery site. I could ask if that is normal, but there really is no need. Normal or not – in this body silicone sweats. Plus, by that time I was too consumed with my other reality.

I NEED A BATHING SUIT!

Now, I haven’t gotten the all clear to swim yet, but even if it is another week or two, it will come. Then what? My old suits are now from about 15 pounds ago, and my boobs are a full size smaller than they were last May!

When I refused the tissue expanders as we were laying out my mastectomy in March, I knew I would end up with smaller boobs. I wasn’t even worried about going from a b/c cup to an a/b. It seemed to match my recent weight loss. But I never expected the impact this would have on my shirts! I have had to replace almost every top in my closet for some reason or another. I bought great bras (although with the sweat factor, clearly not enough) but they couldn’t help the shirts. My T shirts had to be sized down, and many of my “fancier” shirts had to be removed. It was a pain, but I finally got a working spring closet that I can live with – for now.

Of course a bathing suit is a whole other situation. My implants are rounder, perkier, and smaller than my other boobs. They are also a bit uneven, (courtesy of the 7 biopsies I had on the right prior to the surgery.) You can see my ribs under my arms – there isn’t any breast tissue there any more. I used to just buy my suits in Costco. Yep, Speedo right off the rack. There was no way I was putting this body into anything fancy. But now what do I do?

Mom will have some advice on this one. Her mastectomy was 15 years ago, but with no permanent implants, she has to find bathing suits to hold her prosthesis. And, she always looks well put together.

Silicone sweats, so I definitely need a bathing suit before we get too far into summer. And this hysterectomy recovery CAN’T go on forever!

I think I’ll call Mom!