Some days I forget. I really do. Some days the thought that I had my boobs cut off and replaced with these round silicone implants doesn’t even cross my mind. Then, there are other days.
This morning I took a shower. Not a rare occurence, but maybe it was rare that I wasn’t late. That I had time to really look at things. So I looked in the mirror. First, at the small hysterectomy scars that are healing quite nicely. (While I still have ISSUES with whatever is provoking the NEVER – ENDING bleeding inside, the outside scars look great.)
Then, I looked up. Staring me right in the face were these perfectly round circles where my boobs used to be.
There is a scar across each one. No nipple on ether. There is also the most bizarre indentation under my arm on both sides. I looked at it for a while. Then I realized it was my ribs. It just looks weird. And wrong. There should be some kind of tissue there hiding my ribs. I am sure of it.
I took a few deep breaths. I reminded myself that I would have the luxury of drying my large head of curly hair – because the cancer that was hiding in the left boob was gone. For good. No treatments. No worry. Just have to get used to the new landscape.
I put on my bra. One of the new ones with the A cup. I tightened the straps. I wiggled this way and that. Still there were these huge gaps. Even the bra people don’t figure on what you are supposed to do to cover ribs where they shouldn’t be.
I did manage to get it together, and get out the door to work. I am sure no one noticed any of my insecurities as I went about my day, but they were there. Nagging me.
Since I am somewhat of a masochist, I decided today would be the day to try on the bathing suits. There were 6 in all in my drawer. Four of them literally fell off of me. One was full of “extra fabric” as my husband put it, and the other one – well that one wasn’t so bad at all. A relief I guess that when I get the OK from the hysterectomy surgeon, at least I have a suit to put on.
I went tonight to the mastectomy section of an online retailer to buy myself a real suit. I was so confused. Unsure of my own size, and which will cover enough, I settled on a (way too expensive for my taste) tankini. It should arrive in a few days. Maybe it will even fit.
Summer is coming, fast and furious. Whether I like it or not, the new body is making its debut.
Look out world – with a slightly flatter belly, and some perky new boobs – here comes the new me.
At least I don’t have to worry about my nipples sticking out at all the wrong times!
I am getting more ready – one day at a time!
8 thoughts on “Bathing suits and other insecurities…”
Oooo what’s the tankini look like? Send a link!
Have no idea if that will work! I ordered the plain bottom though. Not much of a skirt girl. Hope it comes on a day when the mood is good! 🙂
Reblogged this on beatingcowdens and commented:
Coming into a year of blogging, with just a few more early memories.
It’s been 5 years for me and my reconstruction didn’t go well, my body rejects implants… so insecurities are still part of my summer anxieties, but I try to keep it all together and enjoy the nice weather, and remember that the old me is gone, I am somebody different, with more scars, 50 pounds heavier with my thyroidectomy and hypothyroidism …but this summer, I intend to slap Cowden’s syndrom in the face and have fun with fashion, enjoy the pool, swim in a lake and stop seeing the light clothing of summer as a pain in the as@#$! And maybe even feel little sexy, why not 😉 thank you for that post, I know it’s been a while but I discovered your blog recently! Wish it it would’ve been earlier! Xxx
You go girl! Slap Cowden’s around and give it the beating it deserves. ENJOY every day of the warm weather… I will be here trying to do the same!
and on the bright side your girls will be perky for a long time..mine not so
Perky – and replaced every 10 to 15 years. Who can beat it? 🙂