recovery – Page 5 – beatingcowdens

Bathing suits and other insecurities…

Published on June 11, 2012June 13, 2012 by beatingcowdens8 Comments

Some days I forget. I really do. Some days the thought that I had my boobs cut off and replaced with these round silicone implants doesn’t even cross my mind. Then, there are other days.

This morning I took a shower. Not a rare occurence, but maybe it was rare that I wasn’t late. That I had time to really look at things. So I looked in the mirror. First, at the small hysterectomy scars that are healing quite nicely. (While I still have ISSUES with whatever is provoking the NEVER – ENDING bleeding inside, the outside scars look great.)

Then, I looked up. Staring me right in the face were these perfectly round circles where my boobs used to be.

There is a scar across each one. No nipple on ether. There is also the most bizarre indentation under my arm on both sides. I looked at it for a while. Then I realized it was my ribs. It just looks weird. And wrong. There should be some kind of tissue there hiding my ribs. I am sure of it.

I took a few deep breaths. I reminded myself that I would have the luxury of drying my large head of curly hair – because the cancer that was hiding in the left boob was gone. For good. No treatments. No worry. Just have to get used to the new landscape.

I put on my bra. One of the new ones with the A cup. I tightened the straps. I wiggled this way and that. Still there were these huge gaps. Even the bra people don’t figure on what you are supposed to do to cover ribs where they shouldn’t be.

I did manage to get it together, and get out the door to work. I am sure no one noticed any of my insecurities as I went about my day, but they were there. Nagging me.

Since I am somewhat of a masochist, I decided today would be the day to try on the bathing suits. There were 6 in all in my drawer. Four of them literally fell off of me. One was full of “extra fabric” as my husband put it, and the other one – well that one wasn’t so bad at all. A relief I guess that when I get the OK from the hysterectomy surgeon, at least I have a suit to put on.

I went tonight to the mastectomy section of an online retailer to buy myself a real suit. I was so confused. Unsure of my own size, and which will cover enough, I settled on a (way too expensive for my taste) tankini. It should arrive in a few days. Maybe it will even fit.

Summer is coming, fast and furious. Whether I like it or not, the new body is making its debut.

Look out world – with a slightly flatter belly, and some perky new boobs – here comes the new me.

At least I don’t have to worry about my nipples sticking out at all the wrong times!

I am getting more ready – one day at a time!

Back to work, back to reality!

Published on June 6, 2012 by beatingcowdens1 Comment

Elementary school kids can be really cute. Sometimes. I have been out more than I have been in these last few months, but since I have been at my school a long time I have a relationship with many of the kids and their families. So, when I walked back in on Monday I was accosted by small people, all of them waist high. Hugging my belly and telling me how much they missed me.

Um, thanks… and OUCH!

I smiled as I tried to slip away from them without offending anyone. They are so innocent. Not a single one thinks to ask why I was gone, they are just happy to see me.

I walk to my classroom, carrying my extra light bag that weighs 6 pounds. I know this because I was told to carry nothing over 10 pounds, so my overprotective – God I love him – husband brought down the scale we use to weigh our luggage, and checked on my bag.

He knows I like to drink a LOT of water during the day. He brought a case to my room, so I wouldn’t have to carry it. He is a pretty good guy.

I sit and look around. It has only been a few weeks again, but it looks strange. Different. I get the sense I am not too sure I belong.

Then I look at my schedule. Classes are coming. Real classes, expecting me to have lessons for them.

You mean I have to teach too? Wasn’t getting here enough?

I made it through – thankfully my days were shortened so I could deal with other issues.

I was OK with coming home from the hospital right after surgery, but did this doctor really know what she was doing sending me back to work in less than 3 weeks? Probably.

My surgery site barely hurts, and aside from some light bleeding, things are getting better. I have to keep behaving, and that is hard. Very unlike me.

It was probably good to get up and out of the house. To be around people. To be reminded that life isn’t just about me and life goes on while you are home recovering from surgery.

I am just so incredibly TIRED!!!!!!!!!!! The deep, bone crushing kind. I need my energy back.

Tomorrow there are no kids in school. Staff development for the teachers. I am starting to feel like I have a purpose again. Less wallowing, more working.

My clothes are all picked out. Let’s see what they make of my favorite breast cancer ‘survivor” T shirt. I may be exhausted, but I will be sure my sense of humor follows me to work and wherever else I go.

If we can’t laugh at ourselves, and our own lives, we are in a LOT of trouble.

Healing well…

Published on May 31, 2012 by beatingcowdensLeave a comment

After she stopped laughing at my Tshirt,

“No, they’re not real (the real ones tried to kill me)”

the surgeon who two weeks ago did my hysterectomy did a wildly uncomfortable internal that brought back memories of the one when I was 41 weeks pregnant.

She then declared that I was, “healing well.”

I laughed and reminded her I am a “professional at recovering.” At least she has a sense of humor.

That is what we Cowden’s patients do, isn’t it? Surgery to surgery, procedure to procedure, happily enjoying the time in between. Knowing it will end. We recover. And we darn well better recover stronger and wiser and with our humor in tact – the alternatives are frightening.

She did tell me, because nothing should ever be quite “normal,” that she has never actually seen internal stitches come out so fast, and in pieces so large.

I told her in the hospital my body didn’t care for dissolvable stitches. She laughed at me then too. Come on, almost 20 surgeries later – I know my body.

So, it’s essential that I don’t lift anything over 10 pounds for at least another 3 weeks. I need to avoid bending any more than necessary. No swimming. No pushing. No pulling.

When I left the hospital they told me I could drive in 2 weeks. I lasted 6 days. I am an overachiever. I also asked them when the chauffeur was coming to drop off, pick up, and all that other stuff.

Now, since I know the stitches are loose too early I will try to be good. But really, when are they sending the housekeeper, preferably one who cooks allergy safe meals? My husband is working all day Saturday and Sunday. There is a bit of an echo, or occasionally an attitude when I ask for help.

So, my girl and I will make it through. Ticking the time away until her appointment June 14th. This time its my turn and she is awesome. Next time it will be her turn to be “healing well.”

Dear God, please remind me to ALWAYS be there for her, and support her, her whole life, no matter how tired or busy I may be. AMEN

Silicone sweats!

Published on May 29, 2012 by beatingcowdens1 Comment

Silicone sweats.

AND I have to find a bathing suit.

That was what I realized yesterday.

In the midst of Memorial Day celebrations, and honoring our veterans, I was somewhat consumed by the those thoughts. I have to admit.

Silicone sweats.

AND I have to find a bathing suit.

I know the mercury was at about 90 degrees in New York. We opened the pool so my daughter could swim. Usually I would be right there with her, but that is a no-no on my hysterectomy recovery list.

: My bathing beauty taking a swim in the Disney hotel pool. She LOVES to swim.

She is plenty tall enough to swim alone. So I watched her from the deck, and I sweated. It wasn’t my normal sweat either. The sweat was actually pooling through the skin around my silicone implants. I don’t think it was a hot flash. “The new girls” were the only thing hot. But boy oh boy do I need a few more bras to get through the summer!

I could check the internet for some mastectomy recovery site. I could ask if that is normal, but there really is no need. Normal or not – in this body silicone sweats. Plus, by that time I was too consumed with my other reality.

I NEED A BATHING SUIT!

Now, I haven’t gotten the all clear to swim yet, but even if it is another week or two, it will come. Then what? My old suits are now from about 15 pounds ago, and my boobs are a full size smaller than they were last May!

When I refused the tissue expanders as we were laying out my mastectomy in March, I knew I would end up with smaller boobs. I wasn’t even worried about going from a b/c cup to an a/b. It seemed to match my recent weight loss. But I never expected the impact this would have on my shirts! I have had to replace almost every top in my closet for some reason or another. I bought great bras (although with the sweat factor, clearly not enough) but they couldn’t help the shirts. My T shirts had to be sized down, and many of my “fancier” shirts had to be removed. It was a pain, but I finally got a working spring closet that I can live with – for now.

Of course a bathing suit is a whole other situation. My implants are rounder, perkier, and smaller than my other boobs. They are also a bit uneven, (courtesy of the 7 biopsies I had on the right prior to the surgery.) You can see my ribs under my arms – there isn’t any breast tissue there any more. I used to just buy my suits in Costco. Yep, Speedo right off the rack. There was no way I was putting this body into anything fancy. But now what do I do?

Mom will have some advice on this one. Her mastectomy was 15 years ago, but with no permanent implants, she has to find bathing suits to hold her prosthesis. And, she always looks well put together.

Silicone sweats, so I definitely need a bathing suit before we get too far into summer. And this hysterectomy recovery CAN’T go on forever!

I think I’ll call Mom!