The Story of the Girl and Her Mom

Published on October 18, 2015 by beatingcowdens5 Comments

So, four years ago they diagnosed this girl with a rare genetic disorder called “Cowden’s Syndrome.” Soon after they diagnosed her, they diagnosed her mom too.

And the mom and the girl read everything they could find, which really wasn’t very much.

And they asked a lot of questions. Some from the doctors, but mostly from people on the internet who had this Rare Disease too.

They learned a lot. They also learned there was a lot to learn.

They learned about cancer risks, and how very high they are.

They learned about screening tests.

They met lots of new doctors. Some were super awesome, and others were super awful.

They fired the awful ones, and kept the awesome ones.

The doctors sent them for tests, and screenings, and blood draws, and all sorts of poking and prodding.

At the beginning it was pretty much all they had time for.

The girl had lots of surgeries, and lost her thyroid, and then they called her a “previvor” because they said she got it out just in time before it was cancer.

The mom, she had a bunch of surgeries too. In one they found cancer. But she was called a “survivor” because it was all gone. (Thanks to the girl who got diagnosed first and saved her life.)

The girl and her mom ran from doctor to doctor. They sat in traffic for forever. They stayed in hospitals and had surgeries, and tests. Everyone treated them kind of strange. Like they were aliens or something. Their condition was so rare that hardly any doctors even understood what they were supposed to do.

Over time the girl and her mom got a better idea of what really mattered and what didn’t. They started to be more assertive about doctors, and schedules and planning. They started to say, “not right now,” sometimes, knowing that a few weeks wouldn’t matter, but a few months might.

The girl and her mom talked a lot about Cowden’s Syndrome. They talked a lot about Rare Diseases. Sometimes they were really angry. Sometimes they were sad, and other times they were grateful. They saw what some other people with Rare Diseases went through.

The girl and her mom had LOTS of long talks, real talks about tumors, and tests, and cancer, and life.

They worked on some things separately and some things together. But they agreed to get busy living.

That didn’t mean they could ignore the seemingly endless doctors appointments. They all had to be done. It meant they could schedule smarter. It meant they would talk about what symptoms had to be addressed right now and which ones could wait. It meant they had to get really good at communicating.

This isn’t always so easy since the girl is almost a teenager, but they are getting pretty good at it.

The girl had 4 surgeries this year, some more major than others, but she spent lots of time recovering. And she learned that she liked to be busy. She likes to sleep too, but she likes to be busy. With kids. Often. She also likes to be active. A lot.

The girl and her mom still have this Cowden’s Syndrome, and sometimes for reasons no one understands, they hurt a lot. Sometimes the pain makes it hard for one of them to push on. Sometimes the tired almost feels like they can’t go on.

But the girl and her mom, they push each other. They push each other to press on because laying down and giving up is not an option.

Their days are long. The mom works full-time. The girl goes to 7th grade and makes high honor roll.

Their afternoons are full of drama club, the girl’s love of theatre, and lots of swim practice. The days are often 13 hours or more of constant motion.

The girl and her mom, they decided that they might have a Rare Disease, but it definitely wasn’t going to “have” them.

So they decided that whatever comes their way, they are going to be active, healthy, strong, fueled with nutritious food, and built of muscle. This way if Cowden’s punches, they will punch back harder.

Sometimes the mom wonders if life would have been different without the girl. The mom wonders if alone she would have been able to push on.

But she doesn’t have to wonder. Because they have each other. And, because this weekend they spent 3 days at a swim meet. And the girl knocked major time off her events.

And, when they came home, the daddy, who is the glue that holds them together, had warm chicken, and rice and vegetables, the healthy fuel – all ready.

And the mom and the girl were so grateful. For each other. For the desire to fight. For the strength from good food, and faith, and the love of a dad who backs them up every step of the way.

And as the mom drove the girl to youth group at their church, they talked, about the swimming. And about the fundraiser they are planning. So that Rare Diseases scarier than theirs get some attention. “For the Babies,” and so that there can be research for this Cowden’s Syndrome. So that maybe it can get stopped in its tracks.

And as the mom walked home enjoying the fresh crisp air of Fall she was filled with gratitude.

For this story of BEATINGCOWDENS has only just begun. And each chapter holds more promise than the next…

Hyper-vigilance

Published on September 20, 2015 by beatingcowdensLeave a comment

Hyper-vigilance. Although Wikipedia is not my favorite source for all things – it defines this quite well.

Hyper-vigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hyper-vigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion.

When we were first diagnosed, and I had a long conversation with a Mom who had been where I was many years before, she told me we would be OK, but we would need to be forever vigilant. Understanding now, what I didn’t then, is that Cowden’s Syndrome requires more than vigilance, it necessitates hyper-vigilance.

The two are very different. One is a state you may be in sometimes, when it is necessary. The other is a place you never leave. Ever.

I don’t compare illnesses, in the sense of one being, “better, harder, easier, more difficult, more painful…” than another. That to me is silly. I know LOTS of people who suffer on a regular basis. I can’t say I would want to trade places with any of them. And, I can only speak from my lens.

My lens is that of a mother, who is watching her child battle through a chronic (FOREVER) illness with potentially life-threatening, and definitely life-altering ramifications – while battling that same illness myself.

I don’t view us as “sick” people. As a matter of fact we are regularly called,” The healthiest looking sick people…” But, we aren’t “well” either. It gets complicated. Quickly, and often.

Hyper-vigilance requires me to do everything I perceive is in my power to try to stave off the tumors and vascular anomalies looking to create havoc, chaos and confusion in our bodies.

Hyper-vigilance necessitates monitoring food intake. Avoiding food allergens/sensitivities because they cause vomiting and severe GI distress. That means NEVER leaving the house without food. JUST IN CASE. It also means spending weekends cooking so that “quick meals” come out of my freezer and not a drive through window. It means providing the most intense nutritional products I can find to fuel a body that would otherwise be running on empty. It means driving far and long to get the right food at the right stores. It means making sure the sweet treats that are allowed are not full of dyes and preservatives because they compromise further a documented severely compromised immune system.

Hyper-vigilance means watching the medication intake. To make sure we don’t forget an antiviral. Because when we do it sets off a tirade of events that are hard to bounce back from. It means typing the list, and checking it over. It means teaching her to know her medicine on sight. It means avoiding everything we don’t need and willingly taking things like probiotics to help that fragile stomach. It means knowing that when you have chronic viral infections they are ALWAYS waiting for an “in.” It means leaving NOTHING to chance, and having spare pill cases in every bag with extra of everything, especially digestive enzymes. It also means spending HOURS AND HOURS trying to make the mail order medication people get it right. Which I sometimes think is just not ever going to happen.

Hyper-vigilance means scheduling the doctors. All of them. All the time. It means making sure all the screenings, for all the ridiculous number of cancers we are at an increased risk of developing, are done on schedule. It means often following up on those appointments, with imaging studies and more appointments. And then repeating those “unclear” imaging studies, again and again. It means getting blood work done, often. Usually at least once every 4 weeks. It means talking to the endocrinologist and problem solving with him when he admits “it doesn’t make sense” as you strive to help your girl at least feel better. It involves medication adjustments. Making sure it’s taken on an empty stomach, and every single day. It means there is always a list nearby of who needs to be scheduled next. It’s right alongside the pile of bills that have inevitably been messed up by someone, and now need receipts faxed and hours on the phone to be kept out of collection agencies.

Hyper-vigilance is hearing the symptoms every day and trying not to panic. When there is a headache, sharp and sudden, or a pain in the knee, or the back, or the shoulder, or the leg, and you know your kid is NOT a hypochondriac as some others would like to think, you have to listen, sort, and mentally file all of these. Hyper-vigilance is keeping track of which ones repeat and which ones go away on their own. Hyper-vigilance is being very aware, but never panicking. It’s a fine line.

Hyper-vigilance is Physical Therapy. As often as we can fit it in. Because something always hurts. When one foot is 2 sizes smaller than the other because the treatments for the AVM in the knee cut the blood flow to the foot, so the bone stopped growing, you end up “off sides”. The hip, the shoulder, the knee. They all hurt, and it won’t get better. It will only get managed. For as long as we can fit in the PT.

Hyper-vigilance is also finding balance. It’s also searching somewhere for “normal.” It’s making 4 swim practices a week, often on raw nerve. Because she wants to feel normal. She wants to compete. And let’s be truthful, she wants to win. It’s about me never really leaving the grounds of the college 12 extra hours a week because we are always one step away, and sometimes a half-step from “just in case,” and “what if.” It’s getting her to drama, because she’s skilled there. And she fits in. And the teacher is awesome, and the kids know her for who she is. It’s about balancing the schoolwork, and doing her best, while teaching her not to beat herself up. Too much stress is no good for anyone. Especially when you have this random tumor growing condition that preys on extra stress.

Hyper-vigilance is remembering I have this “Cowden’s Syndrome” too. It is making sure I am at my best so that she is at hers. It’s remembering that I sport fake silicone boobs as a constant reminder that I’m not invincible and cancer found me. It’s remembering they were worried enough to take the uterus and the ovaries too. It is working hard, at my job, and my life, and showing her it can be done. But it’s also about letting her know I get tired too. Because in those moments she sees that she is normal. And yesterday when I struggled to even walk up a flight of stairs, I saw the concern in her eyes. And she picked up the vacuum. And she helped. It’s teaching her to take care of herself by some days letting her take care of me.

Hyper-vigilance is walking. Me. Walking 4-5 miles a day almost every day. Because my bones are already crapping out. After 30 years on thyroid pills and 3 years after a hysterectomy, at 41 I’ve been placed on warning. It’s necessary for me to take good care of me. To fuel my body properly. To limit the junk in. To respect this body because it’s already got a lot going against it.

Hyper-vigilance is making decisions in the moment. It is having to say no, we can’t go. It’s not being able to tell people in advance. It takes away from advance planning, even the fun stuff. Because life with chronic illness is day by day. It makes me feel badly, often. So sometimes I avoid making plans. I don’t even like to volunteer for too much because I just don’t know whether things will be ok that morning.

Hyper-vigilance can be very isolating.

It’s hard for some people to understand. And I get it. Because a few years ago it might have been hard for me to understand too. It makes people uncomfortable that this thing we have is never going to get better. People feel better when things can be fixed. But it can’t. We are not going to grow out of it. It’s here. It’s part of us. Like the ‘elephant in the room.’ But, we understand other people’s problems too. We get the myriad of health issues that surround us. And we empathize. And we don’t need to be sheltered from them. As a matter of fact, we might like it is sometimes people shared their worries with us too.

Hyper-vigilance is exhausting. And today I took a two-hour nap. Because my throat started to hurt. And my body was giving me all the warning signs that I had pushed a little too far. I shortened the walk. I stayed in mostly.

It’s like training. For real life. Because there is not an event at the end, that will finish with a medal and a sense of accomplishment, and a new goal. My forever goal will be to keep us healthy, and to keep the Cowden’s Syndrome at bay. The only path to this end is hypervigilance. And even then, just like in life, there are no guarantees.

We remain forever Beatingcowdens!

Mortality

Published on July 1, 2015 by beatingcowdensLeave a comment

The awareness that one day we’re not going to walk this earth anymore.

Not exactly dinner conversation, but, for lack of a more gentle way to say it, mortality is everyone’s reality.

We face this reality at different points in our lives. Some are frighteningly young, and others are blissfully old. But, eventually, that awareness either creeps in or hits us like a speeding train. (Figuratively, or course.)

In my opinion, so much of the rest of your life is defined by what you do with that realization, that understanding that there is no promise of tomorrow on this earth.

For me, my solace, my comfort, and my focus, come from my faith. My deeply held belief in God, and that life does not end, merely changes, as we are welcomed into Heaven.

Whatever your own belief, is, your own reality, my hope is that it brings you comfort, solace, and gives your life on this earth purpose.

As a daughter of a cancer survivor (18 years and counting!!) I watched my Mom grapple with her own mortality at an age I consider very young. (young for her, and for me too!) She got it. She found clarity, but it was a few tough months. And even then as close as I was, I knew the significance of what I was watching, but I did not get it, not really.

I like to say my breast cancer was found, “by accident” or “divine intervention,” whichever you prefer. But, the moment in the surgeon’s office, that day in March of 2012 when I became a “survivor” by default, started my own journey with mortality. I was 10 years younger than Mom was at the time of her diagnosis. I had just undergone what I had prepared in my mind to be a “prophylactic” mastectomy to battle astronomical cancer statistics associated with the new diagnosis of a PTEN Mutation called Cowden’s Syndrome, that Meghan and I had received less than 6 months prior. When the word malignant was read, there it was; laying thick in the air for my husband and 8-year-old child to process with me.

And there was reality. Unable to ignore. Cancer had lived within me. Could it live again? Would it? When? Why was I going to be OK when so many others were not? Was I going to really be OK? What if they missed it, something bigger?

I was fortunate. Fortunate in the sense that a double mastectomy removed the encapsulated stage 1 cancer. I needed no treatment, no medication. But, my status had changed. In the eyes of the doctors, I was now an even greater risk. Every single lump and bump would be scrutinized, scanned, poked, prodded, and usually removed. The loss of my uterus and ovaries weeks later were a testament to this new-found realization that I was a risk. A significant risk.

Cowden’s Syndrome is one of those diagnoses that forces you to face down your own mortality at sometimes alarmingly young ages. An internet friend just made a jubilant post today that her youngest was now 10 and cancer free, a title she did not have herself at that tender age. The things we celebrate…

My Cowden’s Syndrome people are known to me mostly through the internet. We live across the country and across the globe. We navigate through different time zones and support each other through scans, scares, surgeries, reconstructions, and cancer. While this syndrome does not manifest itself the same in each of us, there are alarming similarities that make us kindred spirits. There is that “Sword of Damocles” hanging above our heads. There is that constant sense of not knowing, of hyper-vigilance, of bi-annual screenings, and worry. We stare at our own mortality each time we look in the mirror.

We have an extra bond when it connects to our children. A universal acceptance of the unfair nature of these young ones even needing to understand a bit of mortality. We have juggled the questions, inevitable after MRIs, CT scans, and biopsies galore. We have gently answered questions about family, and future, that have no real answers to date. We ache for them. We wish to take it all away. We have some guilt in the knowledge that in most cases this disorder, (whether we knew it or not) was passed from us.

Mortality will bind you, and if you’re not careful it can blind you. That is why there are support groups, for cancer patients, and others who have come close to losing their lives.

This weekend I spent some time in West Virginia with another group of men, bonded by their grapplings with their own mortality some 48 ish years ago in the Vietnam War.

I will protect their privacy here, and tell their story as generically as I can.

I connected with Alan, about 6 weeks after my father died. Dad had earned a Purple Heart in my mind, for an incident that occurred while he was serving in the United States Marine Corps. The award was never granted, and I wanted to pursue it on his behalf. So, I sent some letters to Marines, whose contact information I obtained from a reunion Dad attended in DC in 2006. I wanted to know who remembered him, and his story.

Alan contacted me first, verified my information, remembered the story, and has been in touch with me since.

My Dad, the "Irish Marine" — My Dad, the “Irish Marine”

I sent 20 letters out. EVERY SINGLE MARINE responded to me. EVERY ONE. Whether they knew Dad or not, whether they could help or not, they ALL reached out to express their condolences. Many shared some funny anecdotes. And as hard as I’m sure it was, they all connected with me.

I had heard about the Brotherhood of the Marine Corps. I could not have fathomed the depth of that bond. One after another, they all left me with the same heartfelt sentiment. “You are the daughter of our brother. We will help you always in whatever you need.”

Now, I knew, or at least I could infer that their lives had not been any type of peaches and cream, on the island of Vietnam, or when they returned. My Dad battled his own demons for many years before our relationship began to form. But the offers of these Marines were sincere, and genuine.

Alan proved that to me through regular conversations, and almost heroic efforts to get someone to listen to the story of my Dad’s injuries. In the end, we lost the battle on a technicality. Although “The statements provided clearly establish that your father was injured as a direct result of enemy action, the available information fails to establish that your father was treated by a medical officer…Wounds not requiring treatment by a medical officer at the time of injury do not qualify for the Purple Heart Medal.” The letter was cold. The case was closed.

We lost the Purple Heart but gained so much more.

I was sad, mad, angry and disappointed. But I was so grateful for the Marines who wrote letters of support. I was grieving the fact that my Dad had carried this close to him for so many years, and lived with chronic pain as a result. I wanted this for him, because he never fought for it himself.

And as things go, it was not to be, but Alan did as he promised and remained in constant contact with me. He heard my sobs as I glanced at Dad’s headstone for the first time. His were the comforting words that started my healing.

So, this weekend I headed to West Virginia to thank him myself. I met a group of Vietnam Era Marines, several of whom had served with my father. I watched them together, in awe an amazement. I was welcomed into their group with instant acceptance. And as I sat and watched them laughing together, I noticed the war stories were sparse, and funny when they were told. Surely a contrast to the realities they had faced as young men years ago. But, the bond between them was unbreakable. There indeed was the Brotherhood of the Marines, but there was something else.

Mortality.

They faced it in the most horrendous of ways. They lived it daily. They buried their brothers. They knew their return home was not a guarantee.

And once you’ve faced that kind of life altering lesson in mortality together, you are bonded for life. As Alan said to me, “If you weren’t there, there are no words to describe it, and if you were, there are no words needed.”

I was among a group of people who had faced their own mortality almost a half century ago. And they have a bond that can not be explained. It is amazing.

And among the most amazing to me was the woman I met. She was not local either, but she, like I, had traveled for this celebration. It was not her first time. She had been around for almost 10 years. About 10 years ago the woman, who was an infant when her father died a hero in Vietnam, met the men he served with. She had never met her father, but here were father figures galore ready to embrace her. And they did.

A bit ago her father’s diary surfaced from his time in Vietnam. She shared it with me and the last entry written before he died was about the thought that so many of them must have had daily. His diary ends with, “When will it be me?”

Once you have looked your own mortality square in the eye, you can not walk away the same person.

But, it is up to you what you do with the rest of your life.

As for me, I choose bonding with people who “get it,” be they old friends or new.

I choose focusing on what we can do, not what we can’t.

I will not choose reckless living, but I will daily live with the knowledge that there is no guarantee of tomorrow on this earth.

Whether facing your mortality is something you endured, something you will live with daily, or something you are yet to face, how it changes you is really up to you.

As for us, in this house, we choose to remain focused on

BEATINGCOWDENS,

WHILE CELEBRATING ALONG THE WAY.

Dear Cowden’s Syndrome,

Published on March 15, 2015March 15, 2015 by beatingcowdens2 Comments

I’ve wanted to talk to you ever since you rudely introduced yourself to my family in 2011. Actually it wasn’t even a proper introduction. It was more like, “I’m here. I’m staying. What are you going to do about it?” In hindsight, you’ve probably been with me from the very beginning, an explanation for the years spent in surgery for random growths all over my body. And you know what? I could have kept quiet about things. I could have plodded along removing lumps and bumps as they surfaced, praying they remained benign. But, you crossed a line. You messed with my girl.

I went all those years not knowing. I never understood why I seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time in doctor’s offices, generally being made to feel like an idiot for things they could not explain and did not understand. But, I’m a mother now, and mothers get over those things because nothing is more important to them than the health of their children.

So when my then 8 year-old was introduced to you at an incredibly tender age, the mother beast in me came alive. Before I could even contend with your existence I had to run damage control and get out in front of the storms you were plotting and planning. I had to read and research and learn, because with an occurrence rate of 1 in 200,000, I typically knew more than any doctor we met. And with our PTEN (tumor suppressor) gene officially listed as broken, the words cancer, cancer risk, and potential malignancy became part of our every day vocabulary.

That entire first year I was sure we had lost our very existence to the routine screenings you require. A doctor for every body part, and a pediatric and an adult version of each no less. Scheduling was a nightmare. It’s a wonder I kept my job and my sanity. And my girl, almost like a deer in headlights, tired of being poked and prodded and treated like a pincushion was getting plenty annoyed. She’d already had 8 surgeries, and a ridiculous number of biopsies and MRIs before we met you. Now there was this road ahead that was just flat out exhausting. There were worries heaped upon worries. And it got old real fast.

Our friends have tried to hang with us. And they are an incredible lot. But, it gets tiresome to hear that things just keep on coming, and that nothing here is “all better.” Understandably, many of them have had to pull back. Their own lives are busy. Things continue, and just because you want to have your way with us, the world can’t stop spinning. We miss socializing. We miss casual get-togethers. It’s hard enough to even visit properly with our family in between appointments, and hospital stays and the few activities you haven’t taken from my daughter.

Let’s talk about that for a minute. Let’s talk about the pain. The unforgiving knee pain that affects every aspect of her life. Let’s talk about having to quit soccer in 1st grade, and dance 2 years later. Let’s talk about her desire to run track that can never ever be. Let’s talk about my girl, born with the heart of an athlete who keeps getting the rules changed on her.

The knee! The right knee. The one that has hurt since birth. The one where the AVM (arteriovenous malformation) was supposed to be resolved in or or two embolizations. Until they learned of you. You would be the reason it continues to plague her, change the course of her life, and cause her undue agony on a daily basis. You would be the reason the 5th attempt to fix it in November after 50ccs of blood leaked into her knee joint essentially failed. You would be the reason we are awaiting a 6th surgery on the knee. This one with the orthopedist and the interventional cardiologist at the same time. One will assess the damage from all this blood, and the other will have another go at this AVM.

The AVM. The likely reason the feet are now a size and a half apart. Continuing to make life easy for my girl aren’t you?

And while we’re at it, let’s talk about the thyroid. The 19 nodules you allowed to grow there, until “precancerous” prompted complete excision. We beat you. We got it out in time. But, it was real close, and I didn’t like it one bit. And as payback, 13 months later, the synthetic hormones still leave her chronically wiped out, and running on raw nerve. The endocrinologist is confused. He offers no explanation as to why it’s not ok. They offer me no answers about the effects on the body. Because they don’t know. You’ve kept them confused, and it’s wearing on my nerves.

But, you know what? You won’t win. Not here. Not in this house. Not with my daughter and I fighting you every step of the way. We like to call ourselves “Beatingcowdens,” because we are. And we will continue to.

See, you messed with the wrong women here.

After we dusted ourselves off and learned to schedule the screenings and tests and surgeries on OUR time, we started to breathe a little. There are so many. But, they don’t OWN us. Plus, I went on ahead of you and got some things removed. That “prophylactic mastectomy” that turned into “thank goodness she got that DCIS we didn’t know was there out in time…” well, that was a HUGE win. And the hysterectomy before the uterine polyp could change its mind from benign to malignant. Winning.

My daughter has decided to become an advocate for rare diseases. Her work has begun small, out of a need to educate the people who judged her for sometimes needing a wheelchair to contend with that knee. It started with some business cards that explain what Cowden’s Syndrome is. It blossomed into assemblies at school, newspaper articles, and a friendship with our Borough President.

She took to the Global Genes Project, and their logo, “Hope, It’s in our genes.” She had a friend make a denim ribbon necklace. And “identity piece” for her. She learned about all the rare diseases she could, and how so many of the babies who can’t speak for themselves need our help.

She embraced the creation of the PTEN Hamartoma Tumor Syndrome foundation in 2013. She carries hope that one day their work will affect change directly in our lives.

She met up with friends through my online connections. She corresponds with Colorado and Australia.

In February, with only guidance from me, she organized a “Jeans for Rare Genes” fundraising breakfast that generated $12,200 for her two favorite charities. Over 150 people attended that event. Community support was overwhelming.

Oh, and the heart of an athlete you tried to take from her… you lost there too. She is a swimmer now. And this year she qualified for Silver Championships in the 100 butterfly for her age group.

So, despite what you may have tried to do to our lives, you are losing terribly. You are something we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives, but you will NEVER own us. You may try to be pushy. You may be downright rude, hurtful and insensitive at times. But, that’s OK. We’ve handled worse than you, and we’ve come out just fine.

As a matter of fact, maybe I should say thank you. Thank you for lighting the fire in our bellies. Thank you for helping us find our self-confidence. Thank you for giving us the fight that forces us to never ever give up. Thank you for teaching us that we can make a difference. Thank you for empowering my beautiful young lady with a forceful strength that WILL change the world.

You’re not the boss of us.

Forever we remain,

BEATINGCOWDENS!

Lori & Meghan

“Cancerversary- a celebration of life BEYOND cancer”

Published on March 5, 2015 by beatingcowdens1 Comment

To some people the idea of celebrating a “cancerversary,” or the anniversary of the day you became a “survivor,” is silly. But, to someone who is date obsessed, it makes sense to celebrate the victory. It’s not about remembering the bad. It’s all about celebrating the good. The reality of the here and now.

This morning my daughter handed me this letter – typed from her computer by her own hand. I am sharing it – as it was written – with her permission.

Dear Mom,

I love you with to infinity and back. You are the best mom I could ever ask for and I am so glad that you found the breast cancer early. I could never imagine a life without you. You have always stood by my side, and protected me. Even when I say, or do some stuff, I hope you know that that does not change what I feel towards you. Love. Compassion. You have been my guardian angel in small ways and big. You make sure my shoes don’t get eaten!, you hold me tight and talk me through tough nights, and you are always there for me when I am in pain. When I am in the hospital you are there when I can’t walk, when I cry out in pain, and when too many thoughts come rushing into my head. You have this unique ability to just make people smile, and you are the most pure-hearted person I know. You do for others, even though often you never get a thank you, or some king of acknowledgment. You are kind to a fault. Mom, you have made such a big impact on my life, I would not be me without you. You know what, if I kept going on, it’d be the year 3001! Anyway, back to the point. I love you more than you could know, and I am so grateful to have you as my mom.

I love you mom,

my guardian angel

Meghan

Really? What more could I want? Except for a LOT more “cancerversaries” to watch her grow up and change the world…

Three Year Old Memories

Published on March 4, 2015 by beatingcowdens1 Comment

It was about 4 in the morning on March 5, 2012. I was laying on the bathroom floor, vomiting the contents of my “nothing to eat or drink after midnight” stomach. I was dizzy, lightheaded and weak. The task looming ahead that morning was unlike any I had ever been through.

As I lay there, trying to gather every ounce of strength in my body, I thought about the whirlwind that had been the last 6 months. Just barely 6 months prior my daughter, and then I, had been diagnosed with Cowden’s Syndrome. I had read and researched and didn’t like much of what I saw. I digested elevated cancer risks in just about every body part – some of them astronomical – as I tried to triage the onslaaught of new specialists taking over our lives.

Cowden’s Syndrome was an explanation. It wasn’t something we had just “caught.” She was born with it, and its likely that I, a “spontaneous mutant” was born with that “frameshift mutation” on my PTEN gene as well. But now that it had a name, and a definition, now that there was knowledge, there was also responsibility.

We had Meghan to the endocrinologist almost immediately and 4 nodules were discovered on her thyroid. Emotionally scarring biopsy followed. We met an oncologist for intake as well. And I, I was set to deal with all those “peak at 40” risks that were now presenting like a time bomb in my own body.

I sat up when Felix came into the bathroom. I don’t remember much of our conversation. Somehow I got myself up and dressed and into the car.

We drove to NYU in a good deal of silence. I am sure I cried a lot. I shook quite a bit too. But it was time. The decision had been made.

Soon after diagnosis I was sent to a breast surgeon to address the 85%+ risk of breast cancer in Cowden’s Syndrome patients. I forwarded her my medical records before the appointment. At the age of 38 I had racked up 7 breast biopsies and had a mother who was a bilateral breast cancer survivor 15 years earlier. We barely had said our “hellos” when she told me, “It’s time to schedule a bilateral mastectomy.” I wasn’t stunned I admit, because I knew it was a possibility, but the matter-of-fact certainty with which she spoke was a bit unnerving.

“You will get cancer,” she told me. “It’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN.”

I asked if it could wait till July. She said absolutely not. March 5th was as late as I could push her.

She ordered an MRI in February “just to be sure” everything was ok. The MRI was clean.

Just a normal “prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.” If there is such a thing as “normal…”

I met with the plastic surgeon, arranged for the implants. I blatantly refused tissue expanders, much to her chagrin.

My mom, during the time of her surgery had once called her breasts “superfluous tissue.” I tried to keep that in mind when I was making mind- numbing decisions.

We got checked in at the hospital before 7 AM. There was a whirlwind of doctors and nurses traveling through. Some had me signing consent, others were checking various things. I wanted to run, and scream. I felt like I was stuck in a bad horror film. But, I sat. And I signed papers. And I waited.

And then it was time.

It was a long walk to the operating room after I kissed my husband. I couldn’t much control the tears. I was terrified. The last thing I remember preoperatively was my surgeon looking me right in the eye and telling me, “You’re doing the right thing. You’re doing the brave thing. There is NO other choice for you.”

I woke up hours later in recovery, and after first verifying that the anti-nausea meds had worked, and I had no urge to vomit, I checked out the bandages covering my chest and I felt… sweet relief!

Even now, as I think back three years later, I am certain that was my first, and most genuine emotion. I felt relieved. I felt empowered. I felt victorious. This was one battle Cowden’s was not going to win. We played on my rules and my time… ok, well the doctor’s time… but still! I knew of too many lives lost to breast cancer, and I would not be one of them. One less worry. More time to be the Mom and help my girl through this genetic mess.

I left the hospital about 28 hours after I got there. The drains were the worst of it all. There was pain, no doubt, but it was all tempered by the peace in my soul. Mom stayed by my side for days, and we had some of our best conversations as I sat in the glider I had used to rock my baby Meghan to sleep 8 years prior.

Pathology was almost an afterthought for me.

That was why I was taken by such surprise when, 8 days later, the surgeon removing the drains said, “you made the right call.”

At first I was confused. I thought maybe she was just advocating my decision. Then she showed me the multiple page pathology that cited 1cm of DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma in Situ) a “self-contained” malignancy. There were all sorts of other markers too. Cellular changes to indicate things were starting to go very wrong. Because the DCIS was so far from the chest wall, I would need no treatment at all. An hour before I didn’t even imagine I had HAD cancer. Now, I was being declared cancer free.

“If you had waited for July to get this done, you would have likely been in a fight for your life.” I will probably never forget that sentence.

I stepped onto the street in NYC with my husband and my daughter. We all took a moment to digest what had gone on. We hugged. Then I grabbed hold of Meghan.

“You my dear, saved your mother’s life.”

Confused, “How do you figure?”

“If it wasn’t for you Meghan and your diagnosis, no one ever would have pushed me into this surgery. I would have found the cancer much later. Possibly too late. I am going to be Ok BECAUSE of you…”

As we let the gravity of that sink in, it was the ultimate lesson in perspective.

The steps that put us in line to have her, and ultimately me, diagnosed were life altering in so many ways.

Every piece of our past is a bit of the puzzle we are forming with our lives. Some of the pieces are confusing, and don’t seem to fit. But, sometimes we just have to wait patiently and watch.

Three year old memories.

Gratitude.

Day One

Matthew West

from the album Day One (Single)

Buy on Amazon | iTunes

Play sample

Well, I wish I had a short term memory
Wish the only thing my eyes could see
Was the future burning bright right in front of me
But I can’t stop looking back

Yeah, I wish I was a perfect picture of
Somebody who’s never not good enough
I try to measure up but I mess it up
And I wish I wasn’t like that

I wish I wasn’t wishing anymore
Wish I could remember that nobody’s keeping score
I’m tired of throwing pennies in a well
I gotta do something
Here goes nothin’

It’s day one of the rest of my life
It’s day one of the best of my life
I’m marching on to the beat of a brand new drum
Yeah, here I come
The future has begun
Day one

Well, every single day Your grace reminds me
That my best days are not behind me
Wherever my yesterday may find me
Well, I don’t have to stay there

See my hourglass is upside down
My someday soon is here and now
The clock is tickin’
And I’m so sick and tired of missing out

It’s day one
And here comes the sun

Every morning, every morning
Every morning, mercy’s new
Every morning, every morning
Every morning, I will fix my eyes on You
Every morning, every morning
Every morning, mercy’s new
Every morning, every morning
Sun’s coming up, the beginning has begun

Starting over, I’m starting over
Starting over, I’m starting over, starting now
I’m starting over
Starting over, I’m starting over
Starting over
Starting over, starting now
I’m starting over

Scars…

Published on July 19, 2014July 19, 2014 by beatingcowdens3 Comments

There are days I forget.

I forget that it’s not just Meghan, but also me with this rare disease.

As a matter of fact, it’s actually uncommon for me to remember.

Maybe it’s survival. Maybe it’s maternal instinct. Maybe it’s denial. Maybe it’s some combination.

But then there are days that it smacks me right across the face. And it ~~stings,~~ no, actually it’s more like a scalding burn.

I post mostly about Meghan. She’s my hero. She’s my inspiration. She motivates me to be a better person, every day. But, if I really want this blog to be transparent, and I really want the truth about our experience living with and beating Cowden’s Syndrome to be out there, sometimes I have to allow my own inner self to be exposed.

I feel good. I really do. Aside from a little lag from my thyroid, I am feeling better and stronger than I have in years.

But there are the scars. They hide behind my clothes like a little secret. Cause people forget. And that’s what I want, because most of the time I forget too.

But then I look in the mirror, and I see the scars across the implants replacing the diseased breasts removed in the nick of time. And my shirt doesn’t sit quite right. And it’s probably my own fault, as I refused the tissue expanders necessary for a proper reconstruction. I didn’t have the time, or the energy, or the desire, or the stamina to put myself through the frequent fills, the repeated pain, and the additional surgery necessary for the sizes to be equal. It just wasn’t worth it to disrupt our lives longer.

I saw the plastic surgeon last week. My two-year follow-up. Hard to imagine. She gently reminded me again that she could even things out whenever I was ready. No cost thanks to the positive pathology for breast cancer, and the genetic mutation. No monetary cost. I’m not ready. Yet.

I saw the breast surgeon last week too. I see her every 6 months, so she can make sure nothing sinister is growing behind those implants. The reality and the reminder that as fortunate as I was – I still had breast cancer. And once you know for sure that those malignant cells had life in your body, you never look at things quite the same. “No lumps or bumps,” she happily reported. “See you in 6 months.”

I can’t wait.

And there are the lymph nodes in my neck. They were checked last week too. Sonogram. As long as they stay stable, we can leave them alone. “But, if they grow…” she reminds me every time. Six months for her too.

And my legs. Fitting into the smallest size they have ever in my life the veins are protruding again. The PTEN diagnosis, known for enhancing vascular issues, perhaps the explanation for the vascular problems that have caused 2 operating room visits and 5 in office procedures since I was 23. But, it doesn’t really matter I guess. The legs start with a familiar heaviness. Then there is the throbbing. The last thing I feel before bed, and the first thing I feel after the alarm gets shut down. And the pulsing – like I can feel the blood moving the wrong way through the broken veins. And the giant bulging, from groin to ankle, that makes it a little less fun to buy the shorts in a size 2. I switch to “Bermuda” length and some sundresses. I wait for the word that GHI has approved another vascular procedure.

Not to mention I saw the GYN Oncologist too. Everything ramped up a notch with the “Cowden’s Syndrome” label. There are no “regular” visits anymore. Even with that benign pathology, it’s a forever commitment to the “Clinical Cancer Center” of the hospital. Two years since the hysterectomy too. Time marches on. You can barely see the scars from the laproscopy. But I know they are there too. A few inches under the implant scars. Reminders of the year that changed my life. Our lives.

The week finished with genetics. Our geneticist – found by an incidental internet search at the recommendation of our physical therapist, is a gem of a man. He greeted me with a hug and a smile, and exclaimed that I looked better than I did at my diagnosis. Then he drew my blood. More genetic testing. This time not because of the Cowden’s Syndrome. This time, it is to fulfill the wishes of my father. Wrapping up a genetic counseling visit I completed in April, and after consent was received from GHI, the vial of blood was drawn to test for the markers for pancreatic cancer, the killer of my father, and paternal grandfather, as well as about 15 other markers I probably don’t want to know about. We both said a silent prayer that the test yielded a whole lot of nothing. We hugged again. It’ll be about 6 weeks.

So this morning my shirt didn’t fit quite right. The indentation on the right side was causing the shirt to fit lopsided. And the vein bulging out of my right leg, especially just above the knee was a little too much for me to take. I struggled with my tears, trying desperately to hide them from my extraordinarily observant soon- to- be -11 year-old.

This is the reality she knows we share. Yet, I want so badly to help her maintain some of her youth. Worry free innocence taken with the words, “You have a mutation on the PTEN gene…” and years of her own surgeries have stripped her of some of the privileges given only to the young. There is something about 11 surgeries with no real end in sight, that can leave you a bit anxious.

It only took a minute. Although it seemed longer. A hug from my husband. My ever patient, loving soul mate, who makes me feel beautiful just by the smile in his eyes when we kiss. And it was time to shake it off.

But not without first acknowledging that maybe that was quite a few appointments for a week’s time..

When we got in the car to head to the doctor, the Christian station was playing one of my favorite songs, “Fix My Eyes,” by For King & Country.

There are no coincidences.

And as we sang along, I looked in the rear-view mirror.

“Fix My Eyes”

“Hit rewind
Click delete
Stand face to face with the younger me
All of the mistakes
All of the heartbreak
Here’s what I’d do differently

I’d love like I’m not scared
Give when it’s not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on youI learned the lines and talked the talk (everybody knows that, everybody knows that)
But the road less traveled is hard to walk (everybody knows that, everybody knows)
It takes a soldier
Who knows his orders
To walk the walk I’m supposed to walkAnd love like I’m not scared
Give when it’s not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you….”

Click the image to hear the song…

We spent Friday looking for sites for a fund-raiser for “Rare Disease Day 2015.” We met a lovely woman who was surprised we weren’t raising money for us specifically. We explained that we were grateful. I feel well enough to work. We have good medical coverage. There are so many not as fortunate.

When it gets to be too much, I know to fix my eyes on things far beyond the mirror. I have a greater purpose right in my own house. And WE have a greater purpose.

We are BEATINGCOWDENS… together!

Champions of HOPE

Published on July 8, 2014July 8, 2014 by beatingcowdensLeave a comment

It’s no secret that we have been followers of “The Global Genes Project” since our diagnosis in 2011. Meghan fell in love immediately with the denim ribbon, and their slogan, “HOPE it’s in our Genes!” That play on words stuck with her, and the ribbon gave her a good deal of connection at a time when we weren’t sure if we’d ever connect with another soul with “Cowden’s Syndrome.” The connection with the RARE Community at large carried us through those earliest days.

The end of 2011 and well, 2012, and… well, you get the idea… held some tumultuous times for our family.

Adjusting to the diagnosis was not easy. Finding balance within the labels, and the risks, and the screenings, and the surgeries, and the appointments was (and sometimes still is) a struggle. In the months when the diagnosis was at its newest, Meghan’s thyroid was called into question several times. We discovered nodules we never knew were there and learned the early risks of thyroid cancer were real, and ever-present.

She soon underwent the most horrendous of what would be 4 thyroid biopsies over the next 2 years. Scarred physically and emotionally, we began to wonder about this beast we were up against.

In February of 2012 Meghan had her 4th knee surgery for an AVM (arteriovenous malformation) in her right knee. Now convinced it’s stubborness could be credited to Cowden’s Syndrome, the fight to control it’s growth took on a whole new meaning, and we were referred for consultation to Boston Children’s Hospital.

While we balanced the screenings for Meghan, I was sent to my own set of initial screenings. Being 38 and newly diagnosed, I was in the battle full on, and I had had no idea. All the imminent cancer risks associated with Cowden’s Syndrome – except for the thyroid which often comes earlier – seem to peak right around 40. No stranger to doctors, I was trying to figure out how the diagnosis helped explain the roadmap that was my own medical history.

In March of 2012, I underwent what was to be a “prophylactic bilateral mastectomy,” to battle the 85% breast cancer risk I had with the PTEN mutation that caused Cowden’s Syndrome, and my own medical history which had already seen 7 increasingly suspicious breast biopsies. Seven days later, while having my drains removed, my husband and daughter sat in the room as the doctor announce it was a “good thing we moved when we did.” My left breast, the one that had never seen a scalpel, had 1 centimeter of DCIS, close to the nipple and clear of the chest wall. I had breast cancer. They found it by accident. My aggressive, intelligent surgeon, who I met because of my diagnosis, and really BECAUSE of my daughter had saved my life. I needed no treatment.

I left the room that day holding the two people I love more than anything. Unaware of the plans clearly in place for us, I was so filled with gratitude, and so in awe of the reality that if I had never had Meghan, I would have likely never known. And the surgeon’s words, “If we had waited till July like you had wanted, you would have been in a fight for your life,” still ring in my ears. Sometimes you have to stop the “what ifs?” and just say “thank you.”

Ten weeks later I was back in the hospital for a complete hysterectomy. A suspicious uterine polyp, enlarged ovaries, and Cowden’s Syndrome combined again for too great of a risk, and the recommendation was for surgery and quickly.

The shock on my body, the trauma to my family at this point was intense.

I had begun to scour the internet looking for places to go. I found http://www.PTENworld.com and its dynamic young moderator, a Cowden’s patient for many years. I found Facebook, and a beautiful support network there. I found a yahoo group, and a mom there who has consistently gone above and beyond for me, simply out of goodness. Finally, there were real people I could talk to.

One day that Spring I received a Pandora necklace with a pink ribbons on it. After years of advocating for my mother, a bilateral breast cancer survivor, holding the pink ribbons that belonged to me felt strange. Yet, so did the new boobs, smaller, but perkier than the old ones, and all the clothes I was learning no longer would fit quite right. So, I took comfort in that necklace and I wore it a lot.

And one day my very obsevant girl, who was 8 at the time, a few months shy of 9, asked me “What stands for me? The gold ribbon is for childhood cancer, the pink ribbon is for breast cancer, the puzzle piece is for autism. What about me? What about people like me who are dealing with this (Rare disease) every day? I NEED something mom. Not to have a thing, but for my identity.”

Stunned, as usual. I realized I had begun to heal myself, to seek comfort for myself, but I was leaving her behind.

So I happened to be retelling the story at lunch. And my teacher friend, whose husband is a jeweler, and who has a son with autism, really “got it” on so many levels. She told me she’d talk to her husband and see what was around. So I gave her a denim ribbon sticker from the Global Genes Project, and they were on a hunt. Which turned up nothing. There seemed to be no piece of jewelry worldwide to symbolize those with Rare Genetic Disorders. And, with there being over 7,000 RARE dieseases, accounting for almost 10% of the population, to us this was silly.

So my friend’s husband offered to make one. For Meghan. Because if she wanted a piece for her “identity” she should have one. So he did. It took months. And it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. And he was so generous in the donation of his time, all to light up my girl’s world.

Typical Meghan, no less that 5 minutes after she put it on, she started with, “Wouldn’t it be great Mom, if these were available all over the world, and then we could see them when we went places, and we would know the people who have, or love people with RARE diseases?’ And the conversation continued to include asking me to reach out to The Global Genes Project to try and make it a reality.

Well two years have gone by. Felix and I each wear one too. Only 3 ever made. Until recently.

There have been lots of EMails exchanged. Lots of conversations. Lots of people. Ultimately they did decide to have the necklace made, and while the decision thrilled me, I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t disappointed that they couldn’t use our friend, the jeweler. But, business decisions are what they are, and this one was not in my control. And, despite that disappointment, Meghan’s dream, her vision, is becoming reality. We received 2 samples this week, and a “THANK YOU” from the team at Global Genes! The necklaces will be on sale through http://www.globalgenes.org in the fall!

Two years have gone by.

I have developed deeper, closer “long distance” relationships with some “kindred spirits” in the Cowden’s Community – globally!

My girl has some of her own friends with Cowden’s now, spread across the world. She will be 11 soon, and is quite the young lady. She understands life on levels deeper than she should. Most impressively she understands that despite our struggles, there are many in the world who struggle in heart, mind, body, and soul. She knows that “Everyone has SOMETHING!”

This past year she organized an assembly at our school. She worked with Student Council to arrange an evening fund raiser. She partnered with a friend in her own class who has a RARE Disease. We sold T-Shirts. We received intense support from faculty, and parents and students. Every child got a denim ribbon to wear for RARE Disease Day. We sent thousands of dollars to The Global Genes Project.

She has already begun to plan for next year, and wants a much bigger fund raiser. “At a place Mom.” We can really get the word out and raise money. For The Global Genes Project http://globalgenes.org/, and for the newly founded PTEN Hamartoma Tumor Syndrome Foundation http://www.ptenfoundation.org/, another organization close to our hearts.

She has a mind that never stops. She has the heart and voice of an advocate. And this year, she was nominated for the TEEN Advocacy Award at The Global Genes Project. (If you scroll down, the teens are close to the bottom.)

http://globalgenes.org/2014-rare-champions-of-hope-nominees/

Champions of HOPE indeed. So proud of her. So proud to see her name with all the others who have decided to “Do Something.”

“HOPE it’s in our Genes!”

We are BEATINGCOWDENS!

State of Mind – Part 2

Published on May 5, 2014 by beatingcowdens1 Comment

There is something about sitting in a room full of pediatric cancer patients that numbs you, amazes you, and astounds you all at the same time.

There was a time when the little superheroes, the miracles walking around us, and the significance of it all may have gotten past Meghan.

She is older now. More weathered at 10 than she should be. She misses nothing. And to a child who has heard the word “cancer” spoken to her, around her, and beside her, her entire young life, she is acutely aware of its presence in the world.

With Cowden’s Syndrome comes cancer conversations. Is a little fancier when you describe a “PTEN mutation, as causing benign and malignant tumor growth,” but the meaning is the same.

Anyone can get cancer. At any time. And certainly it’s almost unlikely that any of the children we saw today have our “Cowden’s Syndrome”

However since Cowden’s Syndrome, and cancer become so closely married – it is hard to consider one without the other, and days like today are especially draining on both of us.

We left the house at 8AM, and sat in traffic before arriving at our destination, (a route Google Maps tells me is 20.5 miles)at 9:40 – 10 minutes late for our appointment. We then sat a good deal more, until almost 10:40, with plenty (read way too much) time to observe.

The facility is clean, and neat and tries to be festive. Children were celebrating Cinco de Mao among chemo pumps, bald heads and IVs. I watch and try to think nothing. Because it is fortunately IMPOSSIBLE for me to know how they feel, or what they are going through. But, an adjacent conversation involving a thin, beautiful, bald 5th grade girl and her dress for the dance was difficult to avoid completely.

We were met with the familiar and friendly surgeon who wasted little time before examining Meghan’s neck. He felt and thought and asked questions. “Has she been sick, any fever, trouble eating…?

“No, no, no.”

“Well, I don’t think there is a problem. I think it is probably OK. But just to be sure we’ll have you come back in 2 weeks. If it’s not gone we will scan it then. Oh, and you should see why her salivary gland is enlarged. It’s not just the lymph node.”

“With whom would I check that? Because for 6 months I have been talking about incessant throat clearing and all I get are theories. The last ENT told me to see a GI. Have you ever heard them laugh when you bring in a 5 foot 2 100 pound 10-year-old? I have. Any suggestions?”

Silence.

“Ok then, we will get you set up with an appointment 2 weeks from today.”

I had come in hoping for an all clear, or perhaps a 3 month review. 2 weeks had its pros and cons, and Meghan and I weighed them, silently and independently as we headed back to the elevator.

We arrived home at 12:20. Four and a half hours. Insanity.

This afternoon I was stressed. Over nonsense. When I am anxious I have an incredible need to control nonsense. I have been stressed a lot. I need a new outlet. This one is making me not so much fun to be around.

I heard myself today. My tone, my body language. All so negative. Not like me, and not the person I strive to be.

I was brought back on track by my own superhero. Only the strongest can share what’s on their mind and in their heart. That’s why I love her so.

Wise beyond her years. Worried about things she should never even have to think about. Yet still able to find the simple beauty in the world around her.

I took a “time out” tonight to regroup. She nestled up with Daddy. Warms my heart to see her in my bed.

My nighttime prayers include the many who had their own medical adventures today, and my girl. That she may know the joys of childhood… and for me, that I will remember to enjoy watching before they pass me by.

Happy Birthday Dad

Published on April 17, 2014April 17, 2014 by beatingcowdens8 Comments

** I rarely go off the topic of Cowden’s Syndrome, but this is just so necessary. Tomorrow April 18, 2014 my Dad would have been 66.**

Dear Dad,

It’s hard to imagine a year has gone by since you sat at my dining room table. We shared pizza, and red wine, and ice cream cake. And you, who had eaten in some of the most gourmet restaurants around, were so gracious, and thrilled to enjoy a simple dinner with Meghan and Felix and I in honor of your birthday.

You even tolerated coffee from my Keurig with a warm smile.

I still remember that night as if it was yesterday.

"Don't take out the knife!" — “Don’t take out the knife!”

And here I sit a year later… in awe of all that has gone on. Stunned that you aren’t here to celebrate.

Thinking back your year is proof positive that we need to live each moment with the knowledge there is no guarantee of tomorrow.

But, you knew that. You learned that lesson many years ago as a young Marine in the jungles of Vietnam. Then, you lived it. And you learned, and you grew, and you learned some more. But, you lived each day without malice in your heart, and with the never ending desire to do the best you could with what you had where you were.

We didn’t always have it quite right, Dad. There were years where you weren’t around too much, and I missed you. And I’ll admit to even spending some of those years a bit angry. But, I grew up.

And Mom, she did the right thing. I got to work through it all, and come out better and closer to you in the end. Heck. I made out like a bandit, because when Mom married Ken, I got to enjoy all the benefits of two Dads. Not a replacement – either one, but two! What a lucky girl…

When you came back to Staten Island a few years ago I was thrilled. Now, a mile away from my house, I got to see you more than I even had before. You got to see Meghan. And I watched a relationship blossom between you.

You were there for her dance recitals, and some swim meets. You watched her on days off from school. You taught her chess.

You got some time to get to know her during years when life had kept us apart. I felt so much closure. So much love.

You smiled all the time when you were with her, and that smile is what she carries with her each day even now.

Even when we didn’t see each other, we spoke. A lot. I loved bouncing ideas off of you, and even when we didn’t agree, I loved hearing your point of view. You always HEARD me. You never JUDGED me. You listened intently to mine and Meghan’s medical issues, and I valued your perspective. I looked forward to talking to you. Especially on the cell phone (hands free of course!) on my way home from Whole Foods. Your voice always gave me energy after a long night.

Except for that one night. When I called you on a Friday from the road back from Whole Foods, and you told me you were in ICU. Stunned, I told you I’d see you in the morning. You said I didn’t “have” to come.

We spent a lot of time together those days as they ran test after test. You were getting edgy. A caged bird.

I took you home after the answers stayed sketchy. But I was worried.

You who could walk miles. You who could work countless hours. You who was always busy. You were tired.

Your skin told the tale of jaundice. Your eyes were tired.

Meghan asked and asked to see you. You put her off. You wanted to feel better.

Then on Halloween we got a 5 minute visit…

And even though she was worried about you, that hug carried her for quite some time.

There were appointments. Back and forth. I was so grateful to be able to take you. And I was so thankful for the time we had – to talk about everything and anything.

We had some easy conversations, and we had some of the hardest conversations I will ever have in my life. But I am grateful for every one of them.

You see I always loved you – but not until those last months did I really get to know you.

“I always wanted to exclude you from my pain, never my love. But the two became one in the same.”

And in that moment there was peace. You spoke what I knew. In very few words you elaborated on the Marine who returned from Vietnam, forever changed. You told me about the hurt, and the heartache, and the fear. I learned later the scope of the losses you suffered through, and the horrors you experienced. No wonder. No wonder at all.

The months got all garbled up. There was Shane, in to stay for a while, at exactly the right time. There was Lisa, at the ready to drive anywhere we needed to be. your “team” converged, got our acts together, discovered our skill sets and became unstoppable.

Road Trips to Columbia Presbyterian. Gut wrenching diagnostic testing. Your strength – surreal. Your focus – laser sharp.

You were back to survival mode. A Marine in the jungle. We were in awe.

That last week at the VA was torture, and therapy all at the same time. You had made your wishes clear. We knew the mission. We just didn’t like it one bit.

And when the angels grabbed hold of you on December 4th, and we knew that you were finally able to rest, there was a painful peace among us.

The days of your funeral were surreal.

The days after it just as intense. So many people had to be notified. Somewhere in your 6,000 contacts we found the strength to reach out to those who loved you so.

Perhaps if I had one wish, one regret- it would be that you didn’t know how much you were loved. By your family, and by those whose lives you touched on a daily basis.

You changed people. Your impact was intense.

You suffered too much Dad, with the physical, and emotional traumas of a war fought as a young man. For 45 years you bore burdens too intense for the strongest to process. You were tired.

You told me once about Cowden’s Syndrome to never let it define Meghan and I. You told me to listen to my heart and my gut, just as much, if not more than I listened to the doctors. No worries Dad. I haven’t forgotten.

I am sad that the cancer reached up and snatched you away – with no warning. I am at least in that way grateful for the warning system that is Cowden’s Syndrome. But, don’t worry Dad… I will never forget.

You know in the months after you died I reached out to your Marines. The few you spoke a little about, and the ones I had never heard of before. There were photos, and then names, and then long conversations. They, each of them a gentleman, called me upon hearing of your death. With some I laughed. With some I cried. With all I felt a bond. They were also your brothers, each one. I learned the meaning of “Semper Fi” in those conversations. More than 45 years later they wanted to know what they could do. And they meant it.

You would be so proud to know. You are remembered. Not as a saint, but as a good man. A man who made mistakes, and owned up to them. A man who loved, deeply. A man who desired to make the world better. A man who taught by living. A man who saw beauty through his camera lens.

You made a difference; to your Marine Brothers, to your parents, to your children, to your grandchildren, to your siblings, to your nieces and nephews, to the friends form all walks of life who loved you so, to the people you worked for, to the people you worked with, and to the people who worked for you.

We played music the day before you died. You smiled. We laughed. That is the spirit I hold close in my heart – even through my tears.